Confession #39

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Confession #39: Sometimes I don't know if I'm better off dead or better off a quitter.

Today was generallly a very fun day with my family, but it ended with me crying. So my family and I planned on taking a daytrip today to a city down south about an hour and half away from our home. It was fun! We went to an airplane graveyeard where dozens and dozens of airplanes, fighter jets, air force, and some comercial planes were on display, both inside and outdoors. That was fun, going up and discovering plus learning new things about planes. It was really reallyt fun and we had a blast together as a family.

But then in the middle of it all, there was some slight mishap between me and my mom and she just told me "you never think of these things, and that hurts me the most. you never care." That was really hurtful to me. To be one hundred percent honest, I do care. I am different in showing care to my family than typical people do. You see, I am more of an internal person, keeping all my emotions, my thoughts on the inside, and although it may seem more often than not that I do speak my mind than not, I keep all my fears, my thoughts, my desires to myself. I always scold myself, and think of ways to better myself. However, by the time I do think of saying sorry, or calming down and just planning on making up things, they knock me down with insults, mainly from mom. Yes, I know that I deserve them, (frankly because my brother just two days ago told me, "you disgust me"), but sometimes I wish they gave me an hour or two to figure things out. By now, they should know that I am different.

But even if they do, they don't even ask me what ways help me cool down. They think I'm like everyone.

I'm tired of letting people down. I really am. Sometimes I really do wonder whether I should just quit everything and run away, or literally just die?

See in my way of thinking here is the process I go through:

1. Calm down (which may take about 15 mins.)

2. Closely analyze the situation like what I have said, what she has said in an unbiased way (may take about 20-30 min.)

3. Put that situtation into the other person's shoes (probably about 10 min.)

4. Think about my flaws (maybe about 15 mins.)

5. Think about how to incorporate my flaws into an apology (maybe about 5 min.)

6. Apologize

That is how my brain thinks and analyzes every single problem in my whole entire life. This is why I like to close the door, shut lay on my bed, plug in some earphones, and then comtemplate of my situation.

However, that never happens. About three minutes into my calming down zone, I get yelled at causing me to snap even more. Sometimes I will regret the things I say causing me to analyze TWO situations instead of one.

See, when it comes to problems, I like to focus everything one at a time. Although I am a multitasker, when it comes to life's problems, I find it easier to go through and analyze my steps one by one.

See, as I am typing this, I am already on the fifth step of my situation analysis. Now I will apologize for the fact of my mother who has accused me of lying when really I did not lie but instead was subconciously answering the same question she asks all the time and the typical answer for that question is no.

Of course, I won't tell her that she is wrong. I learned the hard way that if you do that, this argument will go on forever. xD I am trying to learn to keep my mouth shut, but the problem is, I despise injustice and injustice is all I have been getting in this family.

Don't get me wrong, I would not switch this family for the world. They understand me in weird ways; not entirely complete but not entirely wrong either. They are raising me harshly so that I can enter the world and not cry at the harsh realities of life. I appreciate them for it. However my appreciation is always shown silently, in prayers, and with others instead of in person. 

What can I say? I am extremely different from everyone else. I am fighting a mental battle and struggling for peace. Someday I will be able to be open with them, but not now.

Someday it will happen. Maybe being different won't be bad.

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