Confession #75

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Confession #75: I'm numb.


You know when you say how can things get any worse and they just happen to get worse? This has happened to me. Over the course of a few days. My parents found a random letter part of my diary that revealed my relationship with my ex. I freaked out and lied about it when they asked and now they found out. It's been days. Each day there is something that pulls me down. I feel like all the possible insults have been thrown at me and my soul is bleeding out the lightness inside of me. Although, my mom is alright now, I know she is still bitter inside. And I feel ashamed and I wished I had an environment where I could express my love for others without her being shocked and upset. That was the whole reason why I hid it. I hated it. I didn't regret dating him because I was 10 TIME happier than what I was on a normal basis when I was with him. But my parents, since they are religious, are appalled that I committed a sin that is equal to adultery. I honestly have no regrets, but the insults and the shaming have gone a bit too far. It's been hard to focus, even if it has stopped now. All I can remember is Wednesday. The day when everything has turned.

I KNOW I have to change. And I'm working on it, but I am always feeling so despised with myself. And I'm afraid. Afraid of what other things I have and will screw up. I'm so scared, my anxiety is up ten notches than usual. I can't sit still and I can't focus. I'm overwhelmed with emotion, guilt, and pain. I've hurt my family so so many times and everytime when I'm set on changing, it goes haywire. I put a list of things I should do each day and I've been writing down things that I should be doing and the things I should change. I hope I can change this time. I'm feeling like all of my energy has been drained and I'm fighting to live all the time. My heart is sinking and sinking and sinking and idk what to do about it.

I'm fighting.

 I swear.

But i'm scared.

I want arms to catch me when I'm falling.

I feel like I'm always going to fall, get hurt.

I feel like there's something wrong with me.

I feel like loving someone you aren't supposed to is hell.

I

FEEL

LIKE

AN

UNWANTED

MONSTER.


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