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Confession #20

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Confession #20: I hate serious conversations.

        I really do. That's something I hate to do. I hate starting a serious convo because you never know where it is gonna go you know? But there is something that I need to have a serious conversation. The more I hold it back, the more painful it will be, the more awkward it will be. It's something I am crossing my fingers and hoping that person doesn't hate me. I hope he understands.

        You see, if you remember me telling you that I broke up with my boyfriend (I should say ex), it's been about a month now... I have done NC (no contact) with him for a long time. I only texted him twice for things that I needed his input or that I needed his help and it was neccessary. I thought back then, that he wants us to be friends. I understand that. I think I am as ready as I can ever be.

        You see, you never can get over someone 100%. There will be those sudden moments, those heartaching realizations that you cannot be with them. That will always be there. Although us breaking up was something imminent and that we cannot really do anything about it, it hurts the same. The fact that it was my fault, for making him sacrifice so much, just hurts me so so much.

        This whole relationship was amazing. He helped me see some beautiful things about me. I don't think I am ready to talk to him about being friends. But I have to. We will have many interactions with each other since we are both on the executive team on robotics as well as robotics team members. I may have to be on the programming team again.... and if no one else joins the programming team other than him, then I am left to be in programming team again. We need to get over this obstacle and move on.

        Frankly, I need to move on. I have been crying and alone for so long, I need some part of him, even if it is not the part that I want or wish. One of my friends that I made has been ignoring me for the longest time on facebook. I think she hates me or is avoiding me. I have no one to talk to about this. My friends are for the most part single.

        I hope he doesn't hate me for explaining my feelings to him. I really want to say "I love you." One last time. I should be the one to say sorry. 

        My phone is right next to me. My anxious fingers are shaking as I am typing this. As soon as I finish this, I will text him and have a talk with him. That is, if he doesn't hate me.

        This is my first relationship so I have to experience some things alone. Otherwise I will be to lenient on others, making people thing I am clingy. It was nice to have him, a real person, not a random person on the internet, to be on my side and hold my hand when I cry.

        I really hate serious conversations, I always either smile or try my best to joke about the situation.

        But it's something that has to be done. It cannot be left like how it is. I need to pick up my pieces and glue them back together. I need to stand up and take responisibility.

        For I am a young lady, and young ladies must get up from time to time and do what they are afraid to do.

        This is it. Wish me luck <3

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