Confession #68

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Confession #68: Sometimes I wish I wasn't a good person.

I just wish I was a bad person sometimes. When you're bad, you don't care about what others say, you can walk around flipping people off and telling them to fuck off when they correct you. You don't have to worry about responsibilities (no one will ever give you one anyway) and you can just do what ever you want without ever regretting anything.

Being a good person is a much harder task. When you screw up, you feel as if the structure you have building for years gets torn down somewhere or some part and you have to rebuild that section all over again. Also, when you screw up, no matter how many fucking times people are open to forgive you, you don't and you can't forgive yourself. And so it's going to weigh you down. When you are a good person, you are given responsibilities, things you really want to do, but when you can't do them, or get in trouble with them, then you don't want to do them anymore. That's another thing that weighs you down. 

Honestly, I feel like complete shit because I sent something to a teacher via email that came off to her as rude and disrespectful. She told me off (it was her right to do so) and I apologized both via email and in person. She accepted it but like I said being a good person sucks and I can't help but be guilty. This whole week has been both stressful and depressing. I really don't want responsibilities and I wish I was just a child.

Whenever I have a responsibility, I feel so anxious and upset and worried that I will screw it up, that guess what? I screw it up. And that loses my confidence. I lost everything around me. I feel lost and alone.

Sometimes I wish I could just scream to everyone my worries, my pains, my thoughts, and my feelings. Not to ask for pity, but for someone to understand that I am human. Sometimes I feel as if people think that I am just a fine human being and that I'm always so happy, have a perfect life. But I don't. My dad has coronary heart disease, my mom is always stressed, upset, or a bit unfocused. My brother isn't here, he is busy doing work in Michigan. I'm the only teen. And sometimes explaining my logic to my parents comes across as illogical.

Sometimes i'm tired of smiling and being happy when all I want to do is scream and shout. Sometimes I just wanna be quiet and done. I wish I had never opened my mouth. I wish I could have stayed in my room sheltered from all the things I have been exposed to. I just wanna stay in my room, snuggled in covers, staying quiet, being unknown, being unnoticed. Sometimes I wished no one talked to me at all. Like I wished I didn't care about my voice so much. I wish it was buried within me. Sometimes I don't even mind if I'm buried in too deep since the deeper I am the less noticeable I will become.

I wished people didn't raise their hope for me either. Disappointment and upset behaviors always tear me down when I don't fulfill their expectations. I just want to be a better person and I'm changing slowly. I'm not happy with myself. Sometimes I just want to walk away from myself. I'm the hermit crab trying to find its home. I'm far away from it and my life is trying to find the path of home. I have been just bumping into rocks or dead ends. I just can't find it.

It's really hard to just keep all of this in. I wished I wasn't so clumsy, so fragile, so quiet. I want to be a change, but I can't be that. I really really want to start youtube, but my inspiration is just gone. It's withered away into darkness, a dead leaf. Hopefully it will come back again.

I really just don't know what I want any more. I'm just tired of everything. I want a break from everything I guess. I want a break from me. But how is this going to happen, I do not know...

I love you all,


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