Confession #90

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Confession #90: My mental health matters.

Okay, so it's almost 2 am, and I haven't started my oodles of homework that is due (Today) but it's okay because I have a late start. I get to school at like 11:20. I slept right after school. Right now, I'm sipping on coffee and writing down things I have to do in my agenda.

I decided to take it chill. I had one of the shittiest days in my life. My teacher was being a butthole by making me take a quiz I was completely unprepared for because I wasn't there when he announced it. I brokedown in class. This whole mental pressure thing is killing me. There are so many things that have contributed to this pain, but I don't think I have the mental capability to even tell you everything. I'm supposed to be the "mom" who has her shit together. Now, I'm like a child, crying and messing up all the time.

The days and nights have been so long, and I'm just existing. Too many decisions need to be made. I just wished people would respect them, instead of hinder them. For example, I was nominated for President and Secretary for robotics. Cool, I know. But my self-esteem is so low, I don't think i would be able to win tbh. I'm just kind of scared. Also, my parents don't want to deal with robotics anymore. Which I hate, because robotics isn't really the problem. The problem lies within me, because sometimes I spend too much time dilldallying than doing homework. 

With that being said, I need to tell them that I've been nominated and intend to run. But i'm scared they will get mad and be like "we won't support you" I have checked and talked to everyone who had the classes I am going to be taking next year. All of them said they were manageable and not as bad as APUSH (the class I am taking now). 

I honestly want to try out because it is my senior year and I want to make the most of it. I know my grades are dwindling, but it's not really because of that.

Fml.

That's why, I was a hot mess today. With these stressful decisions in my mind, stupid inconsiderate teachers, tests, AP exams that are coming up, all piled onto me. They unsettled me, caused me to throw up the uneasiness inside of me.

I took a break today. I texted my best and close friends, held them close to my heart, and they got me. I feel better now and am willing to work.

Math test and chem test on wednesday? I WILL FUCKING ACE THAT SHIT

APUSH TEST ON THURSDAY FUCKING BRING IT. I WILL MAKE MY TEACHER REGRET NOT BEING CONSIDERATE TO ME.

I GOT THIS.

I WILL TALK TO MY PARENTS AND TELL YOU WHAT'S UP.

IT'S ALMOST 2:30 AM HERE. GOTTA START WORKING.

I LOVE YOU ALL.

Love,

Taz xx

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