Confession #71

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Confession #71: I feel like giving up

Everything falls apart so fast in my life and it just gets harder to get back up each time. 

My first day of school was yesterday. I got to visit all of my friends and all of my classes.  So far, I like all of my classes. All of my teachers seem to be pretty nice and I like them already. The reason my day was ruined (kinda) was my social anxiety. As soon as I arrived school, a huge lump was stuck in my throat. I was scared. Immediately I was conscious of everything. The sharp eyes staring right through me, the clothes that I'm wearing, the eyeliner and mascara that is peeking through my glasses, everything. I felt like everyone was staring, everyone was talking about me. I pushed through it and managed to get through most of the day, telling myself to be social and talk and be polite. And then I ran into someone.

I HATE talking to you guys about this. I know all of you are probably really tired of hearing this. I AM already tired of thinking about it. But it's my life, and my diary, and unfortunately I need to let this go before starting my homework. So anyways, I ran into my past significant other and my social anxiety reached to another level. He was a blessing and a curse. I regret breaking the rules of my religion and lying to my parents everyday about this, but at the same time he helped me to be happy, genuinely happy and make me laugh everytime. I saw him walking (driving) right past me and I kinda just stopped talking to my friend. EVERYTHING that I regretted rushed back to me. HE is the symbolism of MY screwed upness my fault, my regret, my gift. I saw him again after school waiting to get picked up. I pretended to be lost into my phone (something he probably figured out already) and watched him drive by in the corner of my eye. 

I was contemplating really hard of whether I should talk to him, or not. Half of me was telling me FUCK HIM JUST GO OVER AND TALK LIKE A BOSS. The other half was telling me, no, you aren't ready yet. I ended up not talking to him. I'm not ready, I thought I was going to have a panic attack. Just because I liked someone means lying, being a religion betrayer. I am already screwed up, I don't think I need to go to my regrets just yet.

Another thing is that my mom is getting more strict over my dress code. And I wish I could open up to her and tell her about my self esteem problems. About how people are staring at me because I wear modest clothing and a scarf to cover my chest. I wish I could ask her to maybe give me some leeway to my clothing because I have no confidence in what I'm wearing at all. I feel like any moment someone is going to laugh at me (ppl already did) and it just is going to make things feel even more worse for me. I just want to be like anyone else. I want to fit in and be modest at the same time. Sometimes the clothes that I'm wearing just make me feel ugly. I want clothes that will make me feel happy and confident.

I should go and do my work. I don't want to run into another argument with mom. Right now I'm pretty emotional and scared about the school year.

See you all soon

I love you. <3

Taz xx

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