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Confession #81

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Confession #81: I don't think I will ever be able to expose myself in front of someone

There is a lot no one knows about people. You don't know what they feel, how they feel, you only know a sliver of their life if not more. This book doesn't even cover half of my feelings, thoughts, situations, past regrets.

And man, my mind is complicated. Sometimes I just wanna tell it all to someone. Everything, all my life struggles, bumps, bruises, all of that. I just wanna let myself exposed and know that there is someone there accepting me for who I am.

But then I don't want to. I'm afraid. I'm damn afraid. What if they don't care? What if I'm clingy? What if they think I'm the shittiest person on earth?

I wanna run away with a stranger, tell him/her everything and run off. I wanna be reckless I wanna be open.

I'm tired of tying this sadness, my regrets inside tightly under the feigned happiness. I hate how my own house makes me breakdown each time. Everywhere is triggering me to feel unhappy. At this computer, is where my mom found out about my ex. The dining table is the place where I've gotten yelled at for other troubles, same with the living room. The kitchen is the place where I was weak and pathetic enough to slice my own skin, my room is where I cry on sleepless nights. My parent's bedroom symbolizes my parents' disappointment in me.

And hell, I'm disappointed in myself.

I know I have many years left. But sometimes I wished someone would just kill me.

I fucked up. Many times.

DO

YOU

KNOW

HOW

FRUSTRATING

IT

IS

I'm trying to fix it but I screw up in the middle of it. I'm a mess, my life's a mess, and I'm tired. of this.

I lost my parents' trust. I don't know how I feel about it. I feel shitty.

I'm at the point where if someone comes up to me and hugs me and tells me I'll be okay, I'll break.

Time for me to stay up late and finish some crap.

Love,

Taz xx


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