Confession #50

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Confession #50: I think that I am just a social outlier, who everyone wants to talk to but no one wants to be seen with me.

I am. I really am xD I am not sure whether I should laugh or cry about it. I just have to accept. It doesn't matter whether I am the president of something, or just a badass. People just don't really wanna be seen with me. I see everyone getting mad at me, or don't even care. It's sad.

I continue to be myself, laugh, give presents, be nice, and be myself, but there will never be a place for me in this society. Ever. I will be shoved down, pushed around, and dead.

Take student government for example. How do people running for positions win? POPULARITY. Not the content of the speech, the quality of their words, their hidden actions as well as actual actions. WHY? Why is it like that? FUCKING SOCEITY.

This is how I am beginning to feel in robotics. I am just a number. No one seems to be happy that I am there. They are just like hi. I hate it. I wish it was last year. i wish that because back then even if I still had my troubles, I still was happy. Yes, I was happy. I was happy at the thought of how I was a smart person who had A's without even trying to hard, who was a pretty good kid that everyone loved.

This year, I am not happy. Every single thing that I say no to, people don't like. I haven't found a balance yet, and I don't know why people are tacking stuff on me, expecting me, telling me, pushing me, and when I say no, I am scared. Scared of what they will say.

I try and tell myself that I am not selfish, I just can't go because of reasons. I hate this.

My robotics mentor knows how horrible I am. I wish that no one knew anything about me.

I am horrible. No matter what people say about how nice I am, i  am horrible. It doesn't matter how hard I try, I fail so much.

I just want a breakthrough.

I gave gifts to teachers. People think that I am a kissass. wth. I hate it. I ain't a teacher's pet. Why does soceity automatically consider that?

Teachers work their butt off all day and all ngiht, hep you in many ways, are always here to talk and to help. They are like your parents, because they are putting YOU as their priority. I wanna be a teacher one day and that is why I wanna give them little things.

I have to go to this food bank to help out tomorrow and just remembered. I told my mom, and she said no but will think about it. BUT IT IS MANDATORY and I need a legitamate excuse, and we don't have one.

Why was I even born.

Well, hopefully I will have a better time soon.

Hopefully my mom will let me go.

I want a hug an actually good long hug, something I ddin't get for ages.

Well it is time to make me happy again :)

I will be okay. I will have my days these are my days. In fact all or most of my entries are about those days. 

It feels amazing to write down, and have tears wiped away from my eyes. The tears and the sadness that dwells in me for so so long.

I got to go.



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