Confession #31

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Confession #31: I just don't understand.

I just don't understand. I just don't understand how the only person who could make me happy when I am fighting myself from breaking down in front of my family, does not want to deal with me right now or even ever. 

I just don't understand how my family tells me that it's okay to cry and express myself in front of them, when they judge me.

I don't understand how my family calls me different and rude and unladylike, when they do the exact GODDAMN THING and get away with that shit.

I HATE THAT I AM THE ONLY TEEN IN MY FAMILY. It makes everything ten times harder because you try to make me become a mature adult, when I'm still a kid at heart.

I tell myself that to move one and the next day will be better.

But it's getting worse. 

Each day, there are those little things that have been stored in my heart.

Meaningless

Painful.

LIttle.

Things.

Guess What?

Those

little

things

add

up.

And god. Do they fucking hurt.

You see, one little thing feels like a paper cut. It's a slight gasp, a little blood, a little pain, no biggie.

More than one little thing is like cutting yourself in half, feeling the blood loss, those big shuddering gasps as you take your last breaths.

Before you die.

Suicide is an option.

I am not going to lie and tell you that it isn't.

My mind is sick enough to make up disgusting scenarios where I kill myself and how I did it, and what I wrote as my note.

I just want to be hugged. I want to snuggle against someone, and have that person whisper to me, "I love you."

I WANT SOMEONE TO LEAN ON AND CRY ON THEIR SHOULDER.

I GOT A C IN MATH

I HATE IT

I AM SUCH A FAILURE.

i WANT TO BE INVOVLED MORE IN SCHOOL.

BUT 

I

FUCKING 

CAN'T.

NO

ONE

SUPPORTS

ME.

NO

ONE

CAN

DRIVE

ME 

TO 

SCHOOL

FOR 

FUCKING

MEETINGS.

DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKED UP THIS IS?

I can cry, and my mom will ask if I'm crying.

I tell her, (with a fake smile) "Oh mom, it's nothing. I just have stupid allergies and watery eyes."

AND

SHE

FUCKING

BELIEVES

IT.

ALL

OF

MY

FUCKING

FAMILY

BELIEVES

ALL

OF 

MY FUCKING

LIES

USE

TO 

TELL THEM

i'M FINE.

I really wanted to be a really happy girl, getting incredible experiences, doing incredible things inside and outside school. Some people just are able to drive out and do amazing things. I want to be talked about as the girl who did something.

I don't want to be a girl who no one knew about. I want to stand out and be legendary in a good way.

hahahaha no way in hell that's gonna happen.

I'm in excruciating pain right now. I wish I was brought up normally. Instead all I ever face is rejection.

no.

no. 

NO.

no is all i ever fucking hear from my family.

NO.

"LET'S BREAK UP.

NO.

YOU ARE A FAILURE.

YOU ARE A NOBODY.

I HATE YOU.

"I love your brother more than you. He was much easier to raise. You are a handful and are selfish" - MY OWN MOM SAID THAT

I just want someone to fucking love me for eternity.

But there is no one.

who 

would

ever

do

that.

I am going under. relapsing, caving in.

Idk what the hell I'm going to do when I do cave in too deep.

My hand is reaching out as I sink down into darkness.

I'm fighting, I really am. But darkness's tug is stronger than light's.

Someone please pull me into the light before I fade into darkness.

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