Confession #58

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Confession #58: I am a warrior

To be honest, I work my ass off day and night and I really want to be acknowledged, because I have been fighting a lot of things in my short 15 years of life. I have been fighting the monster inside me that grows stronger each day, but some days it shrinks rather than grow. I fight my thoughts, I hold back tears, I stand tall, while everyone controls me, uses me, and plays with me like a voodoo doll. Because later they know what I am capable of.

I like to call myself a warrior because I really need a pep talk about myself on here since I have been taking things a bit too seriously. I have been working hard and hard, been building the blocks that I so tentively and spent years to build up, only to be broken down again. My walls are not as strong as others but I know what it's like to bully yourself. And it is hell. I bully myself all the time. It ain't right. To be honest. But how can you tell that to the monster inside you. I have done shitty things, but that doesn't mean I'm a shitty person.

Every day, I have to see someone that I love so much and act like there was nothing between us. Every day I am forced to communicate with him and feel the "something" in the atmosphere when we are texting. Every day I have to talk to him and smile even if I want something better.

Everyday, I deal with the monster. Every day it tells me the littlest things like "you are stupid" "everyone can do it why not you?" "you are disgusting"

My own mom doesn't believe me at all. Because of the damage I have done in the years past. We all have our hells and all of ours are painfully excruciating.

I'm pushing through my tears, my anger, and my lonliness.

One day I will show them.

I will show everyone that this quiet girl, the one everyone hovers around with power, will get orders from her.

I have never fit in the crowd, never have, never will. But it is the ones that have known me through thick and thin are the ones that matter. I got two amazing people who have been on my side for a lot of everything, stayed up late talking me out of jumping the edge, about everything that was bothering me, no matter how silly or stupid it is.

That is all I ever need. 

I am going to push through the pain and not let ANYONE BRING THE FUCK DOWN.

And if I have to limit things out, I will use YOUTUBE as an escape. I will find something for everything.

I should be doing my homework right now, but I need to get this out of my head.

Now I got yelled at xD


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