Confession #34

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Confession #34: I AM JUST SO TIRED OF THE WORD NO.

gtkehruitgoehrtIORHTEIOHTEURHTRFJKTGRHTGJKDFROUIHTR FUCK THIS.

I'm tired of hearing no.

Tired of being reminded

tired of relapsing.

so

fucking

tired

and fucking 

stressed.

I really wanted to go to the homecoming football game. It's only 5 bucks and I want to pay it with my own money, so my parents won't have to pay a thing.

Guess what they said?

no.

why 

the 

fuck

do

you 

always

say

no?

I"m not going to the dance because of you, i'm not going to any other games i just want to go to this one. The only one where you have to pay 5 fucking bucks

And i am going to pay it with my own money...

oh wait i'm sorry. my money isn't mine anymore. I'm sorry i just realized.. 

THAT I CAN'T EVEN BUY THINGS WITH MY OWN MONEY BECAUSE YOU JUDGE ON MY USAGE OF MONEY.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU SAY NO TO THAT TOO.

Tell me parents, you want me to be responsible but you are literally controlling every aspect of my life??

how the hell is that gonna ever fucking work.

WANT

TO 

BE FREE

AND EXPLORE.

I have grown. Let me explore and have some fun. I had one hell of a school year, and can't i relax and just be me?

Because you judge when I be myself too.

See, in front of you, I have to be perfect, dress perfectly sit up striaght, always prompt and always listening.

Get with the program. I'm not perfect. I'm not a perfect muslim. and i bet you most girls who wear a hijab aren't perfect either. it's time for you to accept me for who i am not who you want me to be. 

Because you don't know how happy I would be if you would just be proud of who I am now.

Now my mother is acting nice, thinking that she won with the argument of the homecoming game. NOpe. She didn't. I will push a little bit further. 

My mother has been diagnosed with high blood pressure, so now whenever she is angry, she blames it on me. Yeah right, mom. YOu have a short temper and when I point that out, you get mad really fast.

I'm going to try and be able to go to the game. I want to live a little caz I'm a teen. I want to hang out and have a lot of fun with my friends.

My parents dislike the word fun. 

I"m done. This is where I relapse because I desperately just want someone to say "yes honey, you can go! :)" I don't want to argue every fucking time. Just let me go. It's at school, there will be teachers and security. Bam. Safe.

I just want them to understand.

But they never will.

Nor will my brother.

Nor will anyone.

This is when I feel like dying and just killing myself.

What's the point to live, when your whole entire life no one understands you?

But I stay, caz maybe that's not the case in the future. 

Maybe.

I'm not perfect, but i'm working on it.

I'm sorry mom and dad if i don't live your expectations.

I"m not like that.

I want to be free, to be independent.

I want to fly and feel the wind all around me, comforting me as I can finally stretch out of my body.

instead I'm cooped up in my own fucking room.

Today is monday i will ask them again on thursday or wednesday. Maybe even on friday. I will make sure I do things where they won't have to yell at me this week.

I want to hang with my friends because I just want to chill without seeing my family member's face. It helps me relax and have a lot of fun.

I will work on every flaw I have and see that maybe I will get a yes at something else too. I have been working on it. I really am, someitmes i just want to take a break and relax and be a teenager. 

Being a teenager is all i wanted to be, to be a lil rebellious, nice, kind, and just happy.

Wish me luck on asking them again on thursday. hope i don't fuck things up again.

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