You're My Everything (Septiplier)

"You better drive this car like you stole it!"

Jack handed me the phone and my face fell. Felix was in the hallway of the upstairs and playing with Chica, who was oblivious to his evil plan.

"Chica seems to be distracting him from heading to the bedroom," I said, feeling slightly relieved, "Come on puppers, charm the internet for Daddy. Stall him like your furry heart depends on it!"

"Babe, you're screaming at a video. I think this is how insanity pleas begin. If you kill Fe, you have an out now."

The cars in front of us finally lurch forward and we are off again. Jack looks like it is taking everything he physically has to not start to visibly panic. I begin to make a list in the back of my mind as to what we have in the bedroom that I'd rather not have the whole world to see.

There was all of the lube.

Jesus Christ, there had been a sale online and Jack had lost his mind buying lube. At least 20 different small bottles were all nestled into the end table right next to the bed. A prime spot for Felix to zoom his curious blue eyes on.

"Fuck," Jack said quickly, face palming hard. "I think that I left the handcuffs from a week ago right under the bed!"

"The bright red ones with the fuzzy material?"

Jack nodded at me, his face horrified.

"FUUUUCK!!!!!"

With another quick turn we were on another side road, and about ten minutes away.

"Is he still in the hallway?" I asked, my focus fully on the road.

"He's playing fetch with Chica, and the chat room is cooing like crazy," he replied. "We owe Chica like all of the dog treats in the world."

I agreed, but we needed to get home first. The chat room and Felix could only be delayed so long by a cute golden retriever. I took another back road before I tried again for the main way back. Thankfully the traffic had finally lightened up enough for us to be traveling at a fair speed. Jack was typing on the phone as I glanced over, my face showing extreme confusion.

"Trying to buy us a few more minutes," he said, noticing my expression. "I just went into the chat room and asked Felix what hair products he uses to get his hair looking so great."

"You are a genius," I chuckled, "Did it work?"

He glanced back over to me. "What do you think?He's in the guest bathroom showing off about ten bottles of hair gel and shampoo right now."

"If I wasn't driving right now, I'd kiss you."

We got to another red light and after stopping Jack passed me the phone again. I rolled my eyes as I saw Felix demonstrating a hair gel.

"Now the best way to comb your hair," he said happily as he talked into the mirror, "Is to make steady motions with your hand. About 90 strokes will do it. Just think about it as hair masturbation."

The chat line was eating it up, but some people were starting to ask about our bedroom again, and at some point Felix would be back on the hunt for things to embarrass us, and our bedroom was the next door down the hall.

"He may go into your office," Jack said, his voice somewhat hopeful. "That would buy us another 5 minutes."

I shook my head sadly as the light turned green. "Nope, he didn't go to your office downstairs which is a lot more interesting. He's going to the bedroom next, unless we can think of another was to stop him. Is he running out of hair care tips?"

Jack gave a dark laugh. "He'd run out or memory on his digital camera before that happened, but I think the chatroom is getting bored. They are starting a "Show us the bedroom!" chant and Felix looks like he's wrapping up the hair talk."

Jack turned up the volume on his phone and I could hear Felix's delighted voice. "Ok, ok, the natives are getting restless.I'll show all you bros the room where all the magic happens in just a minute. I have a few things tell you about the upcoming wedding. You all know that I was asked to be Mark's best man. We are going to have a kick ass bachelor party. Lots of boobies will be around. Sorry Jack, but I gotta take car of my bro."

"Fuck you, Felix!" Jack screamed at the phone.

"Babe, you know that he can't hear you, right?"

"Oh, yeah, I forgot."

Then behind us I heard the sound of a siren, and looking into the rear view mirror there were flashing blue lights.

"Fuck," I groaned, and I pulled over. We were less than four blocks from the house.

A burly looking officer came up to the car, his face looking serious as I rolled down the window. Trying to look as polite as possible, but inside my head Felix was already gleefully reading off the different types of flavored lubes that we owned.

I smiled as the officer got to the car.

"Is that supposed to be a smile," Jack hissed next to me, "because it looks like you're constipated instead."

I adjusted my smile slightly as the officer looked at me, his dark brown eyebrows raised.

"You ok there, buddy?" he asked. "You look like you're constipated."

I chuckled. "No officer, just trying to get home."

He removed his mirrored sunglasses, his dark blue eyes peering down at me. "Just trying to see where the fire was. You were driving a bit over the limit."

Jack groaned. "He's made a stop in the hallway again to play with Chica. The chatroom is demanding he take selfies with her."

I nodded quickly and turned back to the officer. If I could just get the ticket and go we might just make it back before Felix got to the bedroom. Chica saved the day again.

The officer was still peering at my face. "Hold up, are you Markiplier?"

I breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe this guy was a fan. "Yes, that's me."

The officer leaned into the car and saw Jack, who gave a smile and a shy wave.

"Well, what the hell are you two doing here?" the officer asked, putting back on his shades. "Pewdiepie is about to livestream your underwear and shit. Come on, I'll give you an escort!"

The officer ran back to his car and turned on his lights. Jack and I looked at each other and gave a grateful sigh. Within a few moments we were flying down the road right behind the police car. Jack kept a play by play of the video and by the time we got back to the house, which was in just a few minutes with the help of Officer Paulson.

Once I stopped the car I shouted a thank you and we headed to the front door.

"He's opening the bedroom door," Jack called behind me.

"And now, here is where the magic happens!" Felix said.

"FELIX!" I called as loudly as I could.

"Oh shit," I heard his voice echo back, and heard the bedroom door slam shut.

I was already heading up the steps with Jack right on my heels, and zipped by Chica who was wagging her tail happily that we were home I banged loudly on the bedroom door.

"Felix," I shouted, "Open the door."

"Nobody in zere named Felix," came his voice in a really bad French accent. "Vous zould go away, I think."

"Don't make me take the door off the hinges, ya meatball!"

"Ok, fine," Felix groaned, sounding defeated.

Opening the door both Jack and I looked furious at Felix, who was smiling happily as he held the camera. "Welcome home, you lovebirds! So, tell the Bro Army how your suit shopping went!"

"Mark, your left eye is twitching," Jack said behind me, sounding a bit concerned. "Remember you can't punch him in the face properly if you can't see him clearly."

Felix nervously chuckled, his light blue gaze widened in slight alarm as I walked towards him. "Now, Mark I was just having a bit of fun. I wasn't going to actually show off your bedroom."

"Look at the bright side Fe," Jack chimed in. "At least your murder will be livestreamed. Just think of the views."