Okay guys... so this is it, the "confession". ;P
Oh and important to point out that you don't get EVERYTHING about Blake here... just FYI. Oh and it's going to continue a bit in the next chapter, but I'm getting tired and you guys wanted to have a chapter soon right? ;P
Also, sorry for the wait, but as shocking as this may seem I have a life, and well I was out yesterday, and then I wanted to finish writing it last night but kinda passed out in my bed and then I was juggling between sleeping and unclassified alien experiments all day today ;P
So I hope you enjoy this.. I personally found it kinda sad when I wrote it for the first time, but when re-reading it tonight while finishing it all I wasn't that affected.. but I laughed during Titanic (don't take it the wrong way James Cameron, I still think you're a genius!!) so I might not be the best judge for what is or isn't sad.. and I tend to kill my characters all the time... just a FYI ;P So if you're a sentimental person you might find this kinda sad.. just to warn you beforehand...
Oh and I don't know.. would you guys like to have like a page with questions and answers? If you do, just put like Q&A and then write the question you might have after.. since I'm giving info, I might be more willing to answer some of your questions now.. though not all of them..
Anyway, hope you enjoy this one...
Oh and the song I put there... 23 by Jimmy Eat World... listen to it, over and over again. I just love this song... and it's just has that vibe, well every song by them has that indescribable vibe.. and it think just fits... in my mind, that is...
So read, enjoy, vote and comment!!
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"Is this..." I started to talk but my voice couldn't carry on.
I read it again.
"Here lays Jayden Eaton. Loving son. Loving brother."
"Yes, it's my brother..." Blake whispered beside me, taking a deep breath "Guess that's all the family now..." he said so quietly I barely heard it.
Oh god...
My voice got stuck in my throat.
Oh god...
Why didn't I know that? Why hadn't I realized it?
But in my freaking defense, Blake had been living in my town ever since I was in 5th grade! Wouldn't that sort of thing be known? I mean, no one had ever mentioned it! Wasn't it normal that I didn't jump to that conclusion? Wasn't it more normal to think that maybe him and his brother didn't see each other because they didn't get along because they liked the same girl or something like that? Wasn't that a much more plausible theory than his brother is dead? Or any other theory! Or no theory at all!! I didn't have to jump to bad conclusion!
And now what the hell was I supposed to say? Whatever I said it would be wrong, it would come out wrong!!
This was his BROTHER! His brother that he obviously loved!! And I had no idea what to say, what to say to try to make things alright for Blake, to erase that sad heartbreaking expression his face now held...
Because there was nothing to say, really nothing to say. Unless I was God and told him I could bring his brother back, anything I said wouldn't be enough. Anything I say would only sadden him more, or make him angry or...
I wasn't good with death... but honestly, who was?
I wanted to hold Blake's hand, say I was sorry, but if he had never mentioned it wasn't it because he didn't want pity? He didn't want to hear me say I was sorry?
I was but it wasn't good enough, good enough for Blake who in a weird twisted way always knew exactly what to say, who always knew the perfect words, whether it was stupid or serious... Strangely, Blake was wise, in his own Blakey way.
He would know what to say, if the situation were switched, he always did... he always had...
But then I looked in his eyes, in his eyes who were now staring, boring into mine, his grey eyes, greyer than ever, so sad and heart wrecking, that were almost tearing up on the edge... and without even wanting it, even without thinking about it, I took a step closer to him and then I raised my hand and place it on his arm.
"You won't always be sad..." I whispered to him, pressing my hand, getting closer, trying to make him understand I didn't know what right words to say, that I couldn't even begin to comprehend his feeling but I was here... I wanted to be here for him, like he always was lately...
Blake raised his eyes to the sky, almost like he was trying to hold tears in and then he looked down on me again, and ever so slowly, his right hand, the one I wasn't holding, rose to my face, pushing a strand of hair that had escaped my tidy twisted bun, out of my face.
I just stared at him in amazement, completely paralyzed.
What was he doing to me?
Our gazes were locked, his hand almost cupping the side of my face, over my ear, but then he whispered "Will I?" and dropped his hand.
And he had the look he always had, the one when at the library and in his room, like he was realizing what he was doing later, realizing what was happening and freaking out, like what he was doing was wrong, and then he walked fast away, leaving me there.
I gasped for a second but then turned around and ran after him.
I wanted to call his name, tell him to wait but there was a burial going on, it really wasn't the time to draw attention towards me.
But my shoes were slowing me down, the heels digging into the ground, and for one second I kinda freaked about the fact that it was dead people's ground they were sinking into... real people... and I got self conscious, trying to not walk over where the coffin would be buried, but Blake was almost out of the cemetery now.
I was about to take off my shoes and spring after him, but then a perfectly manicured hand claps around my arm, nails digging into my skin.
"What the hell are you doing?!" Anna hissed.
"Just freaking let go of me!! I have to go!!" I said, pulling and trying to squirm out of her grip, but all I got was skin tearing off my arm.
Bitch!!
"Oh no, you're not going after that sexy football male model god to score him while I have to freaking endure this torture! You're coming back to enjoy the end of this!!" she said, her voice, though staying under the hearing range of the people attending the burial, getting higher and higher
I wanted to slap her right now, I would have had if it wasn't for the fact that it was an inappropriate place and time.
She could freaking shove my apologies up her ass!!
"Look!! Let GO! I have to talk to him! This is important! You just DON'T understand!! You don't KNOW him!!"
"And you do? You think you'd know a guy like that?" she snorted.
Oh that was IT!!
I elbowed her, right in the stomach with the arm she was holding, and she automatically let go of it.
And then without even caring about the damaged looked back to where Blake had been headed, but then saw his car, the car he had been in with his parents, drive away.
No!
No, no, no, no!!
Was he mad now? Was he sad?
Had I screwed up everything as always?
I looked at the car, drive away and then for some reason my eyes filled with tears that I had to brush away with the back of my hand. This was why make-up was completely useless at funeral...
And then Anna pushed my back, trying to make me trip.
"What the hell is wrong with you!?!" she hissed, her hands curled around her stomach.
"Just shut up! Wouldn't want to make a scene now would you?" I told her, emotionlessly and then walked back to where Ty was standing, and stayed there, until the ceremony was over looking at the coffin at the bottom of the whole...
Once, that was Blake standing there... and it was his brother that was being buried...
We went to eat to Pizza Hut but I wasn't hungry anymore, I barely touched my bruschetta's entry, which were more like pizza slice with only cheese on them, if you didn't put the mix in the bowl in the middle with plenty of dice of tomatoes and the special ingredients that made bruschetta's taste so good, though I really couldn't enjoy it today. Not at all.
I tried to call Blake, but got the answering machine again, meaning he still had it closed...
And for some reason this didn't feel right on the phone. I needed to see Blake, I needed to talk to Blake.
But why?
I mean, he hadn't said anything wrong, we could have just went on like this... right?
There really was nothing more I could say to him, nothing I knew could make things right.
It was more like a selfish thing probably. I wanted Blake to trust me, I wanted him to talk to me.
I wanted to make him feel alright.
I felt so bad and sad for him.
That was why he looked sad. He missed his brother...
He was still mourning...
How long at it been? I hadn't check the stone... was it before or after he had came to our town?
When we drove back to the motel, Ty came to sit beside me and let Anna drive shot gun.
"What's wrong Lex?" he asked quietly looking back at Anna, making sure she wasn't listening, which she wasn't. She was talking to dad about some completely futile news on fashion.
"Nothing..." I whispered back.
"It's Blake, right? What happened at the cemetery?" he asked, concern deep in his voice.
I looked at him, unsure.
I mean, I shouldn't be sharing this right? I shouldn't be screaming this around to everyone... If Blake had kept this out of the public ears there was obviously a reason, right?
So I just answered, whispering "He's hurt... and I don't know what to do..." and then turned my head and looked out the window.
We started to pack up when we got back to the motel. Annabelle was ignoring me, which was fine with me.
That stupid bitch!
I realized that if I didn't see her, ever again, I would be okay with it...
Our flight left during the night, but Anna's left sooner, so she took a cab and left.
I didn't listen to her goodbye. I didn't care about her! She could burn in hell for all I cared... I just turned the volume up, listening to Jimmy Eat World, biting my nails.
I hadn't bit my nails for years now. I had stopped after a visit to the dentist because he had said my teeth were wearing out because of it, which made me freak.
What was I supposed to do now? Try to call him again? Wait till I saw him at school? Try to find where he was staying here and stalk him?
That last one was pretty tempting... but I shouldn't do that... I shouldn't impose my presence on him... If he wanted to talk he would tell me right?
Oh god...
What the hell was I supposed to do??
I wanted to cry...
I was definitely close to having my period that much was freaking obvious! Freaking emotional wreck!
So I just bit my nails and listened to music, staring at the beige walls, thinking and worrying.
I didn't enjoy the flight. I usually enjoyed it. I usually like to fly, but I was just too keyed up, stressing over everything. And I couldn't sleep. And we were at night.
When we finally landed and then reached the car and drove back home, it took all my self control to not ask dad to drive in front of Blake's house when we'd get in town, to see if he was back too...
When would he be back? Would he stay on Sunday? Would he miss Monday and stay there? That was a possibility... and if he did I would just be freaking out more.
I thought about Ty. If Ty died I don't know how I would react... I would get into a freaking depressing... I had really no clue how bad I could get, how low I would sink...
How bad had at it been with Blake? Was there a moment when Blake seemed sadder then ever? Was there a moment when he missed school?
I couldn't even tell... Blake was so not important to me before that I hadn't noticed... How low of me!
Was it before he had arrived?
When we finally got home and to our respective rooms I took a shower and then tossed and turned all night long worrying about Blake...
How could he have hid this from me? How could I have been so unobservant...?
He was hurting, that much had been obvious... Why hadn't I freaking realized that!!?
I wasn't the only one living through hard things... and there were things worst than what I was going through... much MUCH worst...
Why was I so selfish?
This was completely ridiculous... When Josh had told me about his mom I hadn't freak that much... why was I freaking so much with Blake?
Because it was Blake... Because I cared more about him, than I did about Josh...
Because how Blake felt, meant more to me... Meant a lot actually...
I didn't want him to be sad... I wanted him to be happy and smiling and smirking and kidding around, and calling me Pumpkin, heck even Pooky... I didn't want him to sulk... it didn't fit well with him... Blake was meant to be laughing and making jokes and sexual innuendos... Blake wasn't mean to be hurting...
When I fell asleep, the sun was beginning to rise.
I woke up in the afternoon, with my cellphone ringing.
I almost fell off my bed, and ran to my purse to get it.
I sulk when I saw it wasn't Blake.
"Hi Van" I greeted, my voice still thick with sleep.
"Hey girl! Oh MY GOD!! Okay seriously, you have mo freaking clue how much I love you and your future boyfriend right now!!" she beamed in the receiver, her feelings completely opposite with mine.
I wasn't beaming, I was worried and sulking and all in all on edge.
"You mean about the singing thingy at the end of the month?" I asked, remembering back at Blake's talk about his sword and trying to study math and screaming at the chick cop...
I didn't know... how had I gone so long without knowing?
Vanessa said something back, but I didn't catch it...
God I was such a bad friend! To everyone!
"You alright Lex?" she asked.
"Ya... I just woke up that's all..." I trailed, not wanting to get into details.
"Okay, I'll let you get back to sleep then!" she laughed "Just, thanks again! Oh and thank Blake too!"
"I will..." I whispered and then hung up.
I had to see Blake...
I had to talk to him...
I called his cellphone again, but still got the answering machine.
Maybe I should just leave a message...
But what?
"Hey Blake, so wanna talk about your dead brother?" ?
I needed to SEE him.
I dragged my feet downstairs, and found dad, who was already putting the chicken in the oven for dinner...
"Are you okay kid?" he asked frowning.
"I'M okay..." but Blake isn't... "Where's Ty?"
"Gone to play soccer with his friends..."
"Good..." I answered and then poured myself some orange juice and sat at the counter.
Again I wasn't hungry, and I found myself biting my nails again.
"What's on your mind kid?" my dad asked, after cleaning up the counter.
"What do you do when you can't seem to find the right words..." I trailed, not really making sense.
"You know kid, words in a way, they don't really mean anything... you know like pineapple or bungalow, we just decided that it meant what it meant. You're making them take the sense you want them to. And it doesn't matter what you say, what matters is what you feel. They don't mean anything, if you don't really feel it... You understand?"
"Strangely, yes..." I frowned at him and took a sip of juice.
"Sometimes, you don't need words kid, you just need heart" he said and then patted my shoulder, smiling.
I ate in silence, well basically dad spoke to me, telling me all the latest gossip about everyone in the family.
I laughed at some things, but had a hard time finding amusement in those stories.
All my mind kept repeating was Blake Blake Blake Blake...
Over and over again...
And it was unhealthy and obsessive I knew it, but I had to do something!! I had to SEE him!
I couldn't wait until tomorrow! If he was even coming to school tomorrow. Was he even back in town?
He had to be right?
I found myself almost praying for him to be back.
I had to drive to his house and see if he was there. Worst case scenario, Anita's there and she tells me when Blake will come back... I mean she'd do that right?
So after cleaning up the dishes and everything, I put on my jeans and simple white t-shirt, my dark-red hoodie over it and after explaining quickly to dad that I had to go see Blake to clear up something I jugged to my car and drove away to Blake's house.
It was already getting dark, and as I reached his house, I could see light inside... but that didn't mean anything, Anita could be the one lighting them...
I was scared for one second...
What would I say? What the HELL was I supposed to say?
Breathe Lexi...
I parked in front and then, walked up to the door and rang.
Sophia opened the door.
She looked sad...
Oh crap...
"Hi, okay, I know this might be a bad time, and I know it's kinda getting late and..." I started to rant but she stopped be.
"He's not here..."
Damn it!!!
"Oh... alright..." I mumbled, ready to leave.
"You know right?" she asked me before I could.
"Ya..."
"You should go see him... he's at the cemetery, you just have to follow the path right to the house, takes you to a fence, I think... well anyway that's what he explained once..."
"Thank you" I beamed, ready to jump in her arms.
He was here... and I was going to see him and talk to him!
"You're welcome... I think you're the only one he'd talk to right now... he was just so happy lately... I was sure he was finally okay with it... but I guess I was wrong..." she whispered.
I felt my eyes tear up just then, by looking at her.
She had lost a son... she was hurting too...
So then, without thinking, I hugged her, saying I was sorry, and then thanked her again, and left.
As I walked to the small path, which wasn't really lighted, I started to be scared a little.
Alone in a cemetery at night. What the hell was he thinking?
The grass was long, and still filled with rain, damping my jeans.
It was dark, except for the house lights and some bugs that flashed now and then.
The moon wasn't full, barely a quarter and I could already see the stars.
After a while, when I was sure I was completely at the wrong place, and going to get lost, I finally got to the fence, in wood, and then climbed over it.
And I was in the cemetery.
In a cemetery for the second time in two days.
I was about to call for Blake but then I heard sound, faint music I recognized and so I followed it.
I walked around the stones, cautious about where I walked, trying to NOT think about the fact that I was in a cemetery, at night!
And then, when I finally reached a big stone, some sort of memorial, that looked almost like a tomb and Blake was laying on the grass beside it, his hands under his head, looking up at the sky.
With the small light from the moon, reflecting on his face, he didn't look real... he looked like some kind of apparition... too perfect to be true.
But then I think he heard me, because he turned his head, slightly, and his gaze rested on me.
"What are you doing here?" he asked me, his voice low.
"You're mom said you'd be here..." I whispered back, and then walked closer.
Would he want me to leave? Did he mind me being there?
"She asked you to come?" I asked, frowning a little.
"No... I've been trying to call you all day..." I trailed, and then heard how stalkish that sounded.
"Could have left a message..." he trailed, and looked up at the sky again.
"I suck with answering machine" I chuckled a little.
"People usually do..." Blake half-smile faintly, but it disappeared as fast as it came.
"Blake..." I started to say, serious now.
"If you're just here to say you're sorry for my lost, thanks Pumpkin, I appreciate it... now you can go... you don't have to worry about me..." Blake trailed, his voice sad.
Oh god...
How to say sorry didn't even begin to cover it? How to say sorry would never be enough?
How to tell him that I wanted to worry about him, that I cared about him that much, without sounding like some obsess stalker?
Like dad had say...
No words...
Just heart.
So I walked right beside him, and then sat on the damp grass, wrapping my arms around my legs and looked up at the sky too.
The music was still playing. It was just instruments, and it come from his iPhone, resting on his stomach.
It was open now, I thought...
"You see there?" Blake asked, pointing to the sky, his hands making a trail "It's dim, cause there aren't a lot of bright stars in it, but it's Ophiuchus' constellation. He was the god of medicine. He learned how to bring people back from the dead... Hades asked Zeus to kill him because of that... Zeus did but then put this in the sky to honour him... I think it's one ass of a sorry card, don't you?" Blake said beside me.
I looked at him, my cheek resting on my knees "Well at least everyone remembers him now..."
"He gave him sucky stars..." Blake snorted and then looked sad again.
I wanted to stroke his face, brush the sadness away...
"Touché..."
"So, is this the moment where you say "Wanna talk about it Blake" and I tell you to butt off?" Blake asked changing the song, to another one... they were all sad...
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.
"Well I think it's kinda unfair that I talk about everything and get nothing from you" he said, and laughed a humourless laugh.
I frowned for a second.
What would he want to know from me that he didn't already know? I mean I did't think anyone had gotten as involved as him, outside my family, about the whole "my mother left" deal... and the only secrets I knew weren't mine to share...
But then it hit me.
"I don't love him..." I whispered.
"What?"
"I don't love him anymore... Alex I mean... I don't even know if I ever really loved him in the first place... I think I liked more the concept of loving someone, you know having a crush to talk about with the girls... I don't know... I liked the concept more than Alex, but Alex is and always will be my friend, and nothing more..." I trailed, my voice low.
Saying this, I knew it was true.
"What are you trying to do?" Blake asked, his voice a murmur.
"You wanted to know... I told you..."
We were both silent for a while, the only sound being our breathing looking at the sky.
"Everyone loved my brother..." Blake started to whisper "He was always the favourite you know, always making jokes, fooling around, smiling all the time... Of course he always got himself in trouble but for some reason he always got out of it easily... he just had a way with people... he knew what to say, how to say it, and wasn't afraid of saying it... My parents loved him... he was the funny one, he gave life to our family. He had his opinion, and he stuck with them... He wasn't the artsy type... like not at all... he didn't like books either... I mean he could read, he actually read Journey to the Center of the Earth by Jules Verne, in French, the copy you saw in my room... but that's only because I dared him too, told him he couldn't... he did... he admitted he liked it... but he wasn't going to read stories just for the kick of it... that just wasn't him. He read my mom's book though... told her what to change... he had a pretty big imagination... he was really critique about them... I mean I was just there, staring at my mom in awe with what she was writing and than Jay would come and say "No boy would ever do that mom, it's freaking lame!" and my mom would agreed to it and she'd change things... And then there was Kendall. We grew up with her. She was like my big sister. And she loved Jay, of course she loved him, she was in adoration before him, like everybody else... And my brother loved her too... but he liked to torture her a little, get her mad. You know the picture you saw... well there was a yard behind the house we had back in England. We used to play there all the time, but the thing is, since it rained so much there was always a lot of mud. When Kay came to our house, and she came often because her parents were friends with our family, we'd go play there, and Jay would always push her in the mud and piss her off." Blake slightly smiled at the memory but continued on.
"And I tried to hang with them, you know, little annoying brother, and they played with me, but you just felt out of place with them... Evelyn, my cousin, well I'm so close to her, because she used to tag along with me, and she actually enjoyed my company which was nice for once... but I mean my brother and I were close, he was my best friend, but when it came to Kay I didn't stand a chance against her most of the time... And I didn't really mind you know, because I saw them look at each other and it was like my mom and my dad... they loved each other... even though they were so young... And then one time, I hadn't seen my brother all night, and I was worried, my parents were out at some charity event and then Jay showed up in my room in the middle of the freaking night and he woke me up, and he could barely stay put for two seconds... He kept grinning like a freaking idiot, and saying "You're just too young to understand, but man when you're going to be older scamp you're going to understand" and I understood later..." Blake snorted a little but went on, his voice still low.
"But I mean I was ten then and Jay was fifteen... and then few days later, I wanted to go see and exposition, but my brother didn't want to... he told me that he was supposed to go see Kay and said "You'll understand when you're older" again, but I really wanted to go to the exposition and it was the last night it was on, so I begged my parents to come with me, and they agreed, but they didn't want to leave Jay alone, but he said he was alright and he could always have Kay's driver bring him to the restaurant to meet us later so my parents agreed..." Blake stopped for a few seconds, swallowing hard, and then his voice was lower again.
"We got the call at the restaurant... Jay and Kay had an accident... I learned just few years back that it was a drunk driver... anyway, the guy lost control of the car, and crashed into the one with Jay in, that was waiting at a red light. You know it's ironic... my brother always said that when he'd get a car he would cross all the red lights all the time... my brother was still conscious after the crash... he had a few broken bones actually... but Kay was stuck... the crush metal was squishing her... and gas was leaking and Jay probably knew everything was going to explode... so he managed to drag Kay away... we don't know how he did... adrenaline probably... so he dragged her out, but the driver was still in there, so Jay went back to get him out... and that's when the car exploded... when the paramedic finally arrived they couldn't even recognized his face... it was burn on third degree... he died before even getting to the hospital... I never got to say goodbye to my brother... and he died because of me... he died because I was a freaking artsy kid, because I wanted to go to the fucking exposition! I should have just stayed home with my book!! He shouldn't have died! I should have died instead of him! People loved him! They could have managed without me... It's unfair... he should be alive and I should be dead..."
By then I hadn't realized I had slid closer to him and I was holding his hand.
"Don't say that... don't ever say that Blake, you shouldn't be dead..." I whispered, but he ignored it.
"And you know what? Kay's never going to be happy because of it. She's never going to love anyone as much as my brother. Because of me, because I went to the fucking thing she lost the love of her life! And she'll never be the same, and she blames herself too, when it's all my fault!! Jay and Kay, they weren't supposed to be separated! Ever! And you want to know why Josh said he had to leave town the other day? When we talked about her coming here? I say it in your face... well it's because they both just look so alike... She never met Josh. Josh lived in the States and she lived in UK. If she saw him... I don't know how she would react... it would crush her... and I don't want her to be sad... People wouldn't have been as sad if I had died instead... they'd have gotten over it..."
"That's not true Blake... people love you too you know... a lot..."
"Nice try Pumpkin..." Blake snorted.
"I mean it! I wouldn't want you to be dead! And whatever you say Blake, it's not your fault! It's the drivers fault more than yours! You had nothing to do over this! And it was who your brother was, right? He cared about others? He wouldn't leave anyone behind? He cared about you Blake, I'm sure, and he wouldn't want you to think things like that, I'm sure of that too."
Blake didn't seem to believe my words...
"You know... I have this dream all the time... I'm in the car with Jay, not Kendall... and then we have the accident together, and he drags me out of the car... and I scream at him to not go back and I scream at him to just leave me there... but he never does and he always go back... and then we're in our yard and he's burning in front of my eyes and I see his skin turn black and I hear him cry and shriek and I can't do anything, I'm just paralyzed... all I do is stay there and watch... and he's in pain... but right before I wake up, every time, it's like I can see his eyes, and they're looking at me just like I'm the one burning him... so you know what? I'm sure he does feel that way too..." Blake said lowly.
"But that's just a dream..." I said and then saw the painting in my mind.
That was the scene he was describing...
"But it feels real every time..." he whispered, closing his eyes.
"But it isn't Blake, and it's not your fault either..." I told him, squeezing his hand.
Blake opened his eyes and then just looked at me, straight into my eyes, a look of desperation almost...
And I wanted to stroke his face again, and wanted to kiss him right now...
But I didn't...