The Advice Column IV

671

Advice Request
This person is skeptical about her current relationship with her girlfriend.

Answered Submission
Hello,
I'm glad to hear that our advice has been helpful thus far, and even more so that you've chosen to come back and follow up! It's always nice to know that we're doing a good job. Now, onto you. Let's briefly summarize your situation shall we? So your girlfriend, also your previous best friend, wanted an open relationship—an arrangement you agreed to out of fear of losing her—and she is now cyber-dating this guy who may or may not be lying about their true identity. Meanwhile, your girlfriend is starting to drift away from you, you have a friend feeding you information about her that doesn't exactly put her in a positive light, and you are still keeping this from your family because you aren't comfortable outing yourself completely just yet. Sound about right? It's the sparknotes version, of course, but this way we can get a look at the "Big Picture." We'll worry about the little details later. For now, we need to confront the larger issues.

First things first, let's take a look at your relationship with your girlfriend. Since agreeing to the new "open relationship" situation, she has steadily become more distant from you. She's spending more time with her text boyfriend than she is with you, and she's seemingly ignoring your messages, and she has an excuse for all of it. Darling, one can only blame the wifi for so much. This leads us to what is probably the biggest issue we have to tackle: what to do about your girlfriend. She is not treating you fairly or kindly. She is certainly not acting like a girlfriend with you. If anything, is looks to me like she is slowly nudging you back into the friend zone. It doesn't appear she wants to openly break up with you, but it doesn't look exactly romantic either. Of course, this is all speculation based on what you've told us, so take it with a grain of salt.

My suggestion here is to talk to her about it. Tell her how you've been feeling these last several months, and be honest about your opinions on the open relationship deal. I know you don't like confrontation, and I know it will be hard, but it needs to be done. Nothing good will come from waiting around hoping she'll do something. She can't read your mind. Communication is so, so  important in any relationship, as cliche as it may be, and you need to remember that. If they don't know how you're feeling, nothing is going to change.

I also want to take a look at what your friend has been telling you. And yes, flirting with someone else over text is cheating. Not knowing what all she's been telling you, I can't make a solid statement, but I can say that in my opinion, her information is not helping you or your side of the situation. If anything, it seems to only be making things more complicated for you, and honey, this doesn't have to be complicated. I'd suggest not asking her for information on your girlfriend anymore, not because it's wrong to ask or wonder, but because it's not helping you in any way. It's not making it easier for you. You are stretched between loving your girlfriend, and doubting her loyalties because M gave you less than pleasant information. That's not to say she's lying, or anything like that. I'm sure she just wants what's best for you, but you need to be the one to decide that. Having several conflicting opinions on top of your own is not good for you.

As for the GSA club, that is entirely up to you. I think it is important to have a support system behind you, and if you think they have the potential to become part of that, then go for it. Put yourself out there, and make some new friends, but if not then move on.  

So, to recap, talk to your girlfriend. I know it will be hard, and you will feel like pushing it aside again, but you need to move past your fears of losing her and the opposition to confrontation if you want anything to change. You need to figure out exactly where you stand directly from her, so you can figure out where to go next. And be prepared. You may not like what you hear, but you need to hear it. Don't overthink it, just talk to her. Lay it out for her exactly how you feel and what you are looking for in the relationship, and see where it goes from there.

Lastly, don't apologize for requesting our advice. You are not a burden to us, and believe it or not your situation is not as complicated it looks from the inside. Besides, this is what we're here for. I hope this helps, hun, and if you have anything else don't hesitate to ask us!

Stay strong,
The Advice Column Team