The Advice Column IV

617

Advice Request
This person wants to have a serious conversation with someone but does not know how to approach them.

Answered Submission
Hello again!

I'm sorry to hear that this guy's giving you trouble. I know this can't be fun for you.

So, you want to talk to him about the situation that occured between you. By all means, if you feel like that's what needs to be done, then do it. You did say, however, that he gets angry, and also that he can be violent. These are serious red flags in my book, so I think it is in your best interest to keep your distance from him. If you really want to talk to him though, I'll do my best to help you.

Here's the deal. This is not a conversation he wants to have. Chances are, if you bring it up again, he's going to get upset, and you'll have to either drop it again, or institute some sort of conflict de-escalation protocol. Perhaps not quite like that, but you'll have to bring him back down so you can try to talk about it. You need to be prepared for that. Let's start there, shall we? If/when he gets mad, try using these tips.

1) Don't get defensive! This is one of my biggest pieces of advice here, and it goes for both de-escalation and the conversation itself. If you are reacting to him and getting upset, the entire talk is going to fall apart and you'll be back at square one. If he gets mad when you bring it up, make sure you are calm before you try to reenter the conversational arena.

2) Control your tone and body-language. Body language and vocal cues are a major part of conversation. A large portion of the message is going to be received through this, so you need to look as non-threatening as possible. Speak softly and gently, and put your hands where he can see them (Not like you're being arrested, but like you're reassuring someone). These small motions can make a difference in how people act.

3) If all else fails, give him space and try again later. Preface it by saying that you really need to talk about it, and that you just need him to listen. Tell him that you're not attacking him or anything, basically.

When it comes to actually talking to him, there are a few things to keep in mind. For one thing, make sure to focus on the issue at hand. Bringing up issues or complaints related to other topics interferes with healthy communication about the current issue that you most want to talk about. This is not the time to start talking about another grievance. You should try and focus on just the main topic.

You also need to go in prepared for it. You know this isn't going to be fun, and it most likely won't be easy either, based on his pattern of behavior. I suggest writing out how you feel about the situation. Just write. It doesn't matter how long it is or if it even makes sense. This exercise is just meant to help you get your thoughts together. If you can get all of the emotions out onto that paper, then you can read over it and at least have some sort of an idea as to what you want to say.

As for when to talk to him, you might not get a chance to do it in person anywhere but school. You said he lived far away, so this appears to be the only option for face-to-face. If you can't do it there, then maybe try calling him on the phone. I only ask that you don't try to have any important conversations through text. You just have to be conscious that he might hang up on you, and the only thing you can do about it is try talking to him again later. Really, I think it would be best to have this conversation in person, but you might have to make do with technology.

I have to be honest, hun. I still think that you don't need to be around this guy. He's hurt you enough both in the past and as of late. It is so wonderful of you that you want to look out for him, but girl, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. Either way, I hope this helps. Come back if you have anything else! We're always here to help.

Stay strong,
The Advice Column Team