The Advice Column IV

669

Advice Request
This person feels unwelcome by their boyfriend's grandmother.

Answered Submission
Hello,
I hate hearing how you've been treated, especially since it's been going on for so long. I know it hurts. And I completely understand you feeling like your boyfriend isn't defending you enough, but we'll get into that later. First, we need to take a look at the big picture view of the problem.

So your boyfriend's grandmother isn't exactly being friendly towards you. For whatever reason, she has some stigma against mental illness that has turned into something more personal, something she has no issue expressing. This is a bit of a tough scenario. It's a battle between the part of you that wants to belong, and the part of you that doesn't like being disrespected. And that's exactly what it is. She is being entirely disrespectful, and if I were you, I'd be absolutely livid. Now, the question is, how do you want to deal with it? Let's take a look at our options, shall we?

1) First off, I think it's a good idea to talk about it with your boyfriend if you haven't already, or again to reiterate the situation. He needs to be in the know, and how he responds will hopefully give you a clue as to how you could. For example, if he continues on the same route as he has been so far where he doesn't want to take action himself, then you know it's up to you to take the next step in solving the problem. If he goes the other way, you can decide where to go from there.  Either way, I think the first thing you need to do is disclose your feelings and concerns to your boyfriend.

2) If your boyfriend wants to stand up to his grandmother to uphold your "honor," that brings us to this first possible course-of-action scenario. Here, I'd suggest going at it together rather than letting him defend you alone. It's one thing for him to do it on his own, it's another to essentially send him on your behalf. Given what we know of the woman in question, she would most likely see that as a coward's move, and that'll be another strike against you in her book. She may keep her mouth shut around you for a little bit after that, but chances are it wouldn't last long, and it would absolutely not stop her from making you feel unwelcome in other ways. 

3) Your next option is to confront her yourself. Now, this one has it's own set of pros and cons. While it is definitely a valid option, if you are anxious or tend to clam up around her, then this one probably isn't for you. I wouldn't want to send you into an overly anxiety-inducing situation, but if worst comes to worst, it may turn out to be your only option. You need to confront her in some form or fashion. Whatever her issue with you is, it isn't just going to go away, so it is best to do something about it rather than let it fester. But if, for example, your boyfriend isn't comfortable confronting his grandmother, then you can either talk to his mom or siblings or anyone else who can go with you, or you're on your own, at least for the time being.

4) My next suggestion, and probably the best option for you in my opinion, is to confront her with someone by your side. Talk to your boyfriend or another member of his family who is fond of you and would be willing to act as a mediator between the two of you. Be there to offer support so you're not feeling like you're going into this battle alone. I think this is the best option because A) she will be much less likely to lash out if it's not just you alone, and B) there is a higher chance of you getting your point across if someone is there not just as a support system, but to keep her from interrupting as well.

Now, this brings me to my biggest piece of advice here. I have said the word "confront" a number of times within this piece. I want to make it clear, I do not mean it in the negative, emotional confrontation. Sit down in private and tell her how she's made you feel, and what you want to come of the conversation.  Let her know that whatever she may feel about you, she has no right to treat you the way she has been, and that you will not stand it any longer. Now, this is where the mediator comes in handy. I can't imagine she'd take well to being called out, but putting her in a position where she is at a disadvantage (two against one) will make it much harder for her to fight too hard without making herself look bad. Now, that won't matter if she truly thinks she's in the right, and that everyone else should or already does agree with her, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

As for why your boyfriend isn't as proactive when it comes to defending you against her, that's a fairly simple answer. She is an imposing, demanding woman who has probably been a pain in the neck his whole life. He has learned that it's best to "let her have her way" and try and redirect the conversation to less flammable topics. It has nothing to do with how much he cares about you, and everything to do with learned behavior. She doesn't sound like an easy person to get along with. I'm sure that's all there is to it.

So in conclusion, talk to your boyfriend. Confrontation is best with a buddy in this situation, and this is going to be difficult, but I know you can get through it. I hope this helps, hun, and I wish you all the best! If you have any other requests, don't hesitate to visit us again!

Stay strong,
The Advice Column Team