The Advice Column IV

628

Advice Request
This person is struggling with their very first relationship.

Answered Submission
Hello!

Commitment issues can be a very difficult thing to overcome. I mean, any fear can be difficult to overcome, but don't worry, we're here to help!

The first step to fixing a problem is acknowledging that you have one, so the first thing you need to do is accept your emotions and feelings and try and figure out the root of this fear. Why do you struggle with commitment? It could be anything. It could stem from negative relationships in your home life. Perhaps observing your parents' relationship formed a layer of doubt and mistrust in others. It could be a fear of getting your heart broken, or maybe you have trouble letting your guard down due to past emotional traumas. It could even have no reason at all and that’s okay as well. That's for you to think over. From there, you can decide if you are ready for a serious relationship. You need to understand that sometimes you aren’t mature enough for some situations and sometimes you’ll feel frustrated in relationships. Sometimes you’re ready to give it up on impulse and sometimes you’re scared of losing the other person. Such feelings are completely valid and okay in a relationship. But don’t give up just because of these momentary feelings. Think of the good times with the person and you’ll be okay. It’ll be okay.

Next, you mentioned that you feel closed off from yourself. It seems to me this is because you are trying to swallow your problems instead of face them head on. You want this to work, but at the same time you don't want to feel caged by your relationship with him. That is a common and understandable fear. You're young! You want to be wild and free and not bound by the metaphorical "shackles" of commitment. Maybe, you're afraid of losing control. Either way, this is just another layer to your commitment issue, but it's by no means impossible to deal with. I found this quote and I think it fits perfectly here. "It’s not an easy journey; it’s not something that changes overnight, but with conscious efforts, we can get closer to letting go, closer to surrender. After all, a fear of commitment is nothing more than a fear of letting oneself go."

Here's the deal. You can't go into a romantic relationship with the hope that maybe if you just suck it up, your fears and insecurities will go away. It doesn't work like that, so ignoring your commitment issues is only going to hurt the both of you in the end. The only way to grow past that is to work for it. You have to be willing to acknowledge that there's an issue, and take the necessary actions to work through it. And that's not something you can do on your own. Honey, you need to be honest with your boyfriend about how you feel so you can work together to grow. You need to work past them. So if you just break up with him because of it, you're not dealing with your problems. They will spring right back up the moment you take romantic interest in someone else.

So my advice is to talk to your boyfriend. Give him a chance to see your true self. Give him a chance to help you through it. Maybe it'll turn out to be a great thing, and you'll fall in love, or maybe it'll just be a good learning experience. Either way, I think it's important that you try and resolve this issue. Fight through it like I know you can, but most importantly, TALK ABOUT IT. No one can help you if they don't know you're struggling.

I hope this helps, sweetheart. Come again if you have anything else!

Stay strong,
The Advice Column Team