Touch Me

Fever

I remember every moment of if. Though I tried to forget, and though I've blocked it out. I cannot ever truly forget. I can distract myself daily, and push it back as far as I can, but I can never truly forget. Nobody can. I remember the hand over my mouth, and the soulless chaos in his eyes. I remember every excruciating moment. I like to pretend it was all a horrible nightmare I had. But deep down, I know it was all too real.
That bastard took so many things from me. Things that weren't his to take. My trust for my fellow man. My sleep. My happiness. My body. Any ounce of relaxation I could have had for the longest time, following. He stole my innocence. Or at least what I had left of it. Before then, I could still see the world as a good place. I'm getting there again, and I do believe that people are mostly good. But he took that from me for the longest time. I was afraid to be alone, I was afraid to go to sleep, I was afraid to be touched. He stole years of my life that were not his to take. I can only pray he's never hurt anyone else like that. To think of another kid in the same situation as me, is heartbreaking. Nobody should have to experience that. And for someone so young, it's especially traumatizing. It takes away your ability to see the good in strangers. It wasn't only physically violating - it kills a part of you. I wish nobody else would ever be subjected to something like that. But I know they are. And my heart aches for every one of them. I feel robbed. Robbed of a piece of who I once was. I'll never get that back. I'll never be whole again. I may be able to work my way back to the things he stole from me, but they will be broken. I will never be intact again, no matter how much I retrieve. Once something's broken, it can never go back to being untouched.

I can go about my day to day life normally, and ignore what happened. But it will always be there. Looming over me. Haunting me. In the back of my mind, reminding me of the day I was nothing left of myself but the shattered pieces he'd left behind. I hate him. I hate anyone who can willingly make a person feel that way. So helpless and pathetic and small. So ruined. Even though you know it's not your fault and you know you've done nothing wrong, it haunts you. The feeling of self disgust. That there was something you could have done. That even though I struggled and fought with all I had, there was still some way I could have made him stop. I know I did all I could. But I don't feel like I did. And I'm just stuck, wondering what I could have done differently, years later. How I could have saved myself , And who I would have been, had that man not hurt me.
I can never leave it behind. No matter how much therapy and how much I do to try to forget it, I can never change what happened to me. He didn't just assault me. He took a part of me and ran with it. A part of me I can never get back. And I will always remember every last minute of it. I always thought I would shut down in a time like that. That I would just shut down, and I wouldn't even remember it happened. But I didn't.

In a way, I was right. I was frozen. But I knew exactly what was happening to me. I could hardly even move, but I was fully aware. And I remember everything. From the moment I was grabbed on the sidewalk, to the moment I hit the cold cement, and forced myself to vomit, just to get the taste out of my mouth.

The dozens of showers I took just over the next few days weren't even enough to make me feel clean. I know I did everything I could. I know I am not wrong. I know I did nothing wrong. But I will forever be plagued with self disgust because of what happened.

"Darling..? Are you alright?" Kevin asked, interrupting my train of thought as he closed the front door behind him.

"Oh- uh.. yeah."

"You sure?" He raised an eyebrow

"Yeah..I was just thinking about something.. how was work?"

"It was good.. my boss is making me oversee the quarterly reports which is so ridiculous- it's his job, he's getting paid to do the job, so he needs to do the job."