Touch Me

Once In A While

"What are you doing here?" His tone was flat and cold

"I needed to talk to you. I needed to see my father..."

"I'm not your father."

"...Okay. That's okay. If you don't want me to be known as your son, I understand.... But I want to talk to you. Can I come in?"

He silently opened the door for me.

"Thank you." I walked inside, the stain of blood still on the wall by the stairs, never cleaned.

I sat on the couch, leaning forward with my elbows on my knees in case I needed to get up quickly.

"...Dad, I-"

"No."

"Right.. sorry. You're not my dad.... Okay... Look, I know it's been a long time. But I-I really need some closure, here..."

He sat still, not replying, waiting for me to continue.

"...Why did you do what you did?" I finally asked

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm referring to.. Why did you throw me out? Why did you hit me? And beat me, and burn me and-.... Why?"

"I don't need to tell you shit."

"You don't.. But I think I deserve to know."

"I don't owe you anything."

"Okay... Maybe I don't deserve to know.... But I want a relationship with you.. I want to be family, please.. I just want a father..I'll do anything, I just want to have a relationship with you.. anything you want, just dont be angry.." I groveled, desperate for some sort of approval from him. I'm tired of not having a family. It was pathetic, I know. Delusional. But I really was desperate.

"You don't deserve to know anything, you don't deserve any relationship. You don't deserve to talk, you don't deserve to live here, not after that shit you pulled with that little fuckin' queer!"

"..maybe not." I conceded

I was an idiot to think this could go any other way. I was an idiot to think I could force a relationship after years of trying. I just... wanted a family. Was that so much to ask?

".. maybe I'm wrong for what I am.. But there's something you deserve to know."

"What?"

"You're ill. You're very ill. And you need to get help. If you do, maybe one day, you'll allow me back into your life... Maybe you'll allow anyone back into your life.. I don't want to see you sick, I want a relationship with you.. we all do.. it doesn't have to be like this"

"Who the fuck is 'we'?" Aggression grew in his voice

"..me and Grandad."

"You talked to your grandfather?!"

"...I did."

"What the fuck gives you the right to do that?" He stood up, beginning to pace. This was a bad idea.

"You're his son.. He deserves to know. When you kicked me out, I moved in with him."

"Excuse me?"

"I live with him now."

"Why?"

"B-Because you hurt me.. repeatedly! you kicked me out. Where else was I to go?"

"Not running off to tell on me like a child and freeload off your grandfather!"

"I'm sorry. W-We just want to see you get better... No matter what you do, we're still going to care about your wellbeing. You're our family."

"You're not my family!"