Touch Me

The Great Pretender

I know I've been a bad boyfriend. A bad husband. I don't think I am one. There's a difference. Doing something stupid doesn't make you stupid. I know I'm not a bad husband. But I have done things that were bad. I've hurt Kevin indirectly so many times. He's a good man. He's an absolute angel. But I've put him through so much. I'm shocked that he stays with me. He's a trouper, if nothing else.

Sometimes it's hard for me to understand how other people feel towards me. It's hard to feel loved. I generally know I am. I can feel the overwhelming love my husband and grandfather had for me. But sometimes something gets in the way of that.. something clouds it. And I make dangerous decisions because of it. I hurt other people when I'm only aiming to hurt myself. And it brings up the endless moral issue of whether I'm selfish, or just troubled. Kevin insists I'm not selfish. But sometimes it must be like talking to a wall for him. I desensitize myself to the concept of people actually caring for me. Even him. Which is ridiculous. The man would walk to the ends of the Earth just to give me a temporary, meaningless feeling of happiness. Just for even a moment. He loves me so much. And I feel like it must be difficult to give someone that love, and not have them accept it as genuine. The love is reciprocated, undoubtedly. I cannot stress what he means to me. But I find myself not understanding that he feels that way towards me to the same degree. I know I'm not a bad husband. But I have been.
And I want to make it up to him. I'm not sure how. Even to just try not to shrug off his love as a pity gesture.
The man married me, for goodness sake. We've spent the last ten years together. I know he loves me, and I owe it to both of us to let myself be loved.

"McKinley, I'm home!" Kevin called out after walking into the house

"Baby!!" I cheered, running up from the kitchen bar-counter, and greeting him with the tightest hug I could muster without hurting the man

"Gee.. someone's happy to see me" he chuckled, before hugging me back. It was a strange kind of hug. He hugged me very gently, but he put his heart and soul into it.

It was gentle, but so loving. Like he wanted nothing more in the world than that hug.

"I'm so happy to see you.."

"Man, what did I do to deserve this?" He sighed happily, giving me a squeeze, before letting go, though leaving his hands on my shoulders

"I just like you, is all..."

"Oh, I like you too.. how was your day?"

"It was pretty good.. I missed ya, though.."

"Awh, I missed you too!! I was thinking about you all day.."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah.. speaking of which, I got you something"

He walked to the living room, setting down his briefcase on the coffee table.

"So, a while back you were talking about why you like the snow and the stars.. and why you like them when you're panicked or overwhelmed, so.. I thought this may be good."

He took something in a box out of his briefcase, and handed it to me, giving me a moment to inspect it before he explained further.

"It projects stars and constellations on to the ceiling and walls.. there's even a setting for what ocean waves would look like if you were underwater.. I don't know, I thought it was cool, and I thought of you the moment I saw it. It may not help much, but.. I hope it can."

"Kevin.. thank you, that's so sweet..!" I smiled

"Now when you get overwhelmed, or sad or scared.. we can do this. You get the stars and the stillness and serenity, but.. you can be safe. And I won't worry so much."