Touch Me

Dead Man Walking

"Are you sure you're ready for this..?" Kevin asked, tying a tie around his collar.

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be..."

"Okay... I'm proud of you."

"Thank you.."

He threw on one of his old jackets, looking the exact same as he did when I met him, the only difference being I was no longer intimidated by such a lovable man.

"You look nice.." I smiled softly

"Well, thank you. As do you. But... may I ask, why are we getting dressed up for this..?"

"I want to look nice for my grandfather. You and I always made an effort to look presentable for him. I want to do it now."

"That's understandable..." he nodded, slowly walking over to me, tying my light blue tie for me, as I still couldn't properly tie it, myself. Even if I could, he enjoyed doing it for me. It was our thing. I would poorly tie my tie, and Kevin would have to do it for me, marking his territory with a kiss on my forehead as he finished.

"Are you ready to go?" Kevin asked, kissing my forehead.

"I guess..."

"You can do this." He sighed, his forehead against mine, staring deeply into my eyes.

"You think so?"

"I know it. Come on. Let's go talk to your grandfather. I'm sure he wants to hear from you." He smiled, setting his hand on my back.

He walked me out to the car, driving me out to the graveyard, where my grandfather was buried. The grass had just begun to grow at that point, over his grave. Kevin walked me there, sitting us in front of the headstone, i spent quite a while staring down at the ground, where the man that resembled a father to me was buried. Alas, I spoke, staring ahead at the stone.

"It's me...Connor... I miss you. I miss you a whole lot...... i'm sorry I didn't come to the funeral. I-I couldn't do it. I couldn't handle it. I broke down when I heard you had passed and... I couldn't afford to feel that way again. I hope you understand.... i know you're watching over me, so there's no need to explain what happened the night of your funeral. I'm sorry for that too. It was wrong of me. But.. you don't have to worry. Kevin's taking good care of me. He's not gonna let me do it again.... right?"

"That's right. I'll take good care of him for you... you don't have to worry about this one."

i gave a small smile, taking Kevin's hand.

"I'm doing well now... I wish I knew how you were. I hope you're good. You're probably good. I hope you're good..." i repeated. "I hope you can forgive me for not being there when you passed. I can hardly forgive myself.. if I had any idea, I would've been there. I would've stayed by your side......I wish I could see you again. I will someday. I wish you were here. Maybe we would be going out for lunch today.." i chuckled, sniffling "we could go to your favorite restaurant and get some soup. I know how much you loved soup. I wonder if they have soup in heaven... for their own sake, they'd better have soup in heaven. You can't go a day without it..... I'm getting off track here.. I uh.... I guess I just came here to let you know I'm... I'm thinking of you... I know I'll never be the same now that you're gone, but... I'm hoping to one day be happy again.... have you seen grandma yet? I bet she was glad to see you again... i miss her too.. could you tell her that? I never really got to visit her, but.. that's my own fault."

Kevin had to wipe the tears from under my eyes for me, as i refused to do it myself.

"I should probably get going.. but uh......kevin, is there anything you wanted to say?"