Touch Me

What Would I Do?

The school bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. I rushed to Kevin's locker to catch him before he left.

"Hello, Handsome " I greeted him, in an admittedly flimsy attempt to cheer him up.

His father left only a week or so ago, and he's still fairly crushed. I just want to see him smile.

He gave me a slight smile out of the corner of his mouth, before coming in and placing a quick kiss on the top of the head.

"So how are you feeling?"

"I'm alright, I guess.. I'm still upset, but I mean, there's not much I can do about it, you know?"

"Yeah, I get that.. It's a dreadful situation to be in, but it'll be okay in the end, I swear. I know it more than anyone."

"Yeah... I guess you're right." He said, starting to walk with me.

He reached for my hand when we exited the school, finally granted a bit of privacy. I'm not gonna lie, seeing him be the one to ask to hold hands felt nice. I've always been the one to start the hand holding. In a way, it made me feel wanted. It was a nice feeling. I took his hand, intertwining our fingers, shooting him a quick smile. He gave me one of the biggest smiles I had seen from him since his dad left. It wasn't the same smile that he had beforehand, it was still weak. But it was the best I've been able to get since this slump he's been in started. I was elated to see Kevin happy again, Seeing that smile made my heart swell.

"Hey, I uh, I got you something this morning.."

"Really?"

"Yeah!" I set my backpack down and unzipped it, pulling out a couple of wilting flowers.

"They were a little prettier when I first got them.. Sorry" I handed them to him. He let that same smile from earlier make its way onto his face.

"Thank you, Sunshine.." He beamed, pulling me into his arms

"You actually like them?"

"Of course I do!" He replied, letting go

"They're kinda dead, though."

"That doesn't matter.. the fact that you thought to do that for me is more than enough. I love em'."

There was no trace of any sadness or discontent left on his face. Thank god. If I can distract him from that situation even for a second, then I'm happy.

"Hey, Kev?" I asked

"Hmmm?"

"..Can I kiss you?"

"Of course you can, why are you even asking?" He chuckled

"I dunno I just felt like I should ask you first... m'sorry."

"Don't be sorry! ..it's sweet of you. Of course you can kiss me."

I smiled and stood up on my toes a little to kiss him, for only a few moments, before we continued walking, his hand keeping mine warm in the cold air.
By the time we reached my house, we were practically huddled together for warmth.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" I asked as we turned the corner

"For sure.. One quick question, though."

"Yeah?"

"Can I kiss you?"

"Shut up" I giggled, kissing him on the cheek before walking into view of my house.

"See ya tomorrow, Sunshine" He waved me off

I opened my door, to find my dad blackout drunk on the sofa. Not surprised. I crept quietly to the kitchen to see if I could get myself to eat something, considering I hadn't had much of anything in the last few days. I grabbed an apple and quickly retreated to my room. I locked my door behind me and sat down on my bed, taking a small bite from the apple. Eating it felt wrong somehow. I ignored it and simply kept trying to eat, but after five minutes of trying to swallow the same bite I gave up and spit it into the trash can. I sighed, irritated.

Sometimes it's hard not to get angry with myself.  For lots of things; for not being able to finish something as small as that bite of apple. That's not normal. Normal people can swallow a bite of a fucking apple. I put the apple on the bedside table, hoping I'd be able to eat it later. I know it's not gonna happen, but I'll feel worse about myself if I don't at least try. I unlocked my desk drawer, pulling out the notebook and pen, documenting everything that had happened since last time I wrote. It had been at least a month since I had remembered to write in it, so there was a lot to catch up on. I don't think I've written in it since that fight with my father. I decided to start keeping track of my eating habits in the notebook as well. To try to motivate myself to eat more. I suppose that spitting out a bite of an apple doesn't really count as eating, so I just didn't write it in. I think the last thing I ate was a few celery sticks a day ago

I shut my notebook, placing it back in my drawer. I wanted to weigh myself, but I know I shouldn't. I'm not gonna be happy with it. I'm never happy with it. It's too high. No matter how low it gets, it's always too high. But why? I know I don't weigh enough, I know that weight is not bad. I'm not sure if it's even the number itself, or just the simple fact, that I want to control the number on the scale. Nothing will ever be low enough to satisfy my brain. Because any gain simply makes me feel as if I'm spinning out of control. I've learned it's better not to look, no matter how badly I want to. The need to do so eats away at me, but I find it essential for any remnants of my stability to avoid weighing myself. I was about to try and reach for the apple for a second attempt, before my phone started ringing. I answered it to end the notification as quickly as possible, to avoid waking my father.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Hotshot" Kevin's voice came through the receiver

I smiled

"Hey, Price... What's going on?"

"Not much. I just wanted to talk to you. See how you were doing."

"I'm doing good! How are you?" I disregarded the problem I had eating today, focusing the subject on him.

"I'm pretty good as well! My mom saw the flowers you gave me, and insisted on putting them in the nicest vase she could possibly find." He chuckled

"Aw... Your mom seems nice."

"She is... She would love to meet you, ya' know."

"Really?"

"Yeah.. She was talking about wanting to have you over for dinner."

"That would be fantastic!"

"Would you wanna come over this Friday?"

"Definitely! Is there a specific time you want me?"

"How's 5pm?"

"That sounds great. I'll have to lie to my dad about where I am, but that'll be easy enough."

"You sure?"

"Yeah! I'm really excited!"

"Alright! Can't wait! See you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow." I replied, hanging up

I'm going to have to eat when I get there, I know that. And I suspect it'll have to be more than a couple bites. Hell, I can barely eat at all at the moment. I can't eat more than a few bites without feeling sick. Screw it, I'll just throw up and deal with it. Whatever. At this point, I don't really care anymore. I'm just excited to see both Kevin and his mom. I set my phone down, closing my curtains and lying stomach-down on my bed. It was only four in the afternoon, but It didn't matter all that much. I don't have anything else to do, really. What else could I do? I can't be with Kevin, I can't eat, I can't do much other than sleep and read the same books over and over again. I didn't bother with blankets or even a pillow. My pillow might as well have been non-existent. It was like cement with a cloth over it. I sleep better without it. I shut my eyes, distracting myself from the stress of the day.