Touch Me

Lovely

It had been about a month since the assault had occurred. I was feeling better gradually, improving on what felt like a daily basis, after a strenuous battle with the fear. It wasn't easy, but I was getting better. Even if it was just a little bit.
I will never be the same again. I will never be who I was before. But I count any progress I can get.

Kevin made the decision that I should go to the doctor. Now that I'm at my grandfather's house, now that I'm safe, and now that I can be covered by his insurance. Of course, it was ultimately up to me. He has no plans on forcing me to go. But he's right, it is a good idea. Even just to go get a physical. Especially when I've struggled with eating enough in the past, it's important to be sure I'm not undernourished. And it's even more important to be sure I'm ... 'clean' of anything. After the incident.

Don't get me wrong, I'm scared shitless. I haven't been to a doctor since I was very young. I wasn't allowed to go. I could have a million things wrong with me and not know, until I go and they tell me everything. And what does a physical even involve? What do tests involve? I have no idea what I'm supposed to be expecting. Honestly, I just pray to god they won't make me go in, alone. I don't think I can do it without Kevin, I don't want to.

"Don't worry, you're going to be just fine.." Kevin held his hand over mine as we sat in the waiting room

I nodded rapidly, my leg shaking at a pace that could probably rattle the whole building

"Connor McKinley?" The nurse walked out into the room with a clipboard in hand

Kevin stood. I stayed in my seat

"..You coming, Sunshine?"

"....yeah" I gulped, following him up

He took my hand and the nurse lead us into the hall, to the office at the far end.

"Have a seat on the table, okay?"

I nodded and followed her instructions. Kevin was told he could sit down in one of the chairs, but he was pretty firm on his resolution to stay by my side.

The nurse asked me about three hundred questions. About medication, health history, my height and weight. Taking my blood pressure wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, it wasn't bad at all. 'Taking blood pressure' sounds pretty intimidating, but they only wrapped some rubbery thing around my arm. Taking my pulse was weird, though. I don't see how a little piece of plastic on my finger like a chip clip could count my pulse. But it wasn't too bad, either. I didn't like when the doctor used that stethoscope, though, I don't like it when people touch me. People other than Kevin. Frankly, that was a nightmare. When she put her hands all over my back and chest and stomach, I hated it. It took everything I had to get through it, and I didn't get through it easily. The entire time, I was essentially squirming out of her touch, I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't even help it, it was instinctual, at that point. Every touch made me flinch. Kevin had to hold me against him just so I could be still enough to get it over with.

"You're doing great, Sunshine.." he whispered, rubbing my shoulder up and down as I hid my head in his chest while the doctor held the stethoscope to my back.

Being touched on the back, being touched by someone I can't see, that's the worst of it. I have to be able to see who's touching me, I have to be able to see it. Kevin's the only one I let touch me on the back. Even still, he warns me first. He never surprises me.

The entire exam took about an hour, with all the tests they had to do for me. I hadn't been to a doctor since I was in early elementary school, they had a lot to make up for. Though there were a few things I wouldn't do. But I won't sugarcoat it, it was rough. Even before they sent me to get my lab tests done.