Roses And Thorns (UNDER HEAVY EDITING)

38

-I don't want my heart to be consumed by hate.

I made myself believe that I could hate you, and so whenever I was reminded of you, I let the fire spread through my system.

I eventually grew tired of watering these negative emotions towards you, and I slowly started seeing strength in not being affected by your existence. I was tired of constantly letting the past rule my present, and I wanted to look forward to my own future, regardless of the fact that we went our separate ways. Life had to go on without you, and I deserved to get closure.

It took a while for me to register the reality of you and people around you. You were better off out of my life. And then slowly but painfully, I found myself able to slowly get you out of my system. Time made a difference somehow.

I still had low moments where the first thing I did was gravitate towards you. I looked at pictures of us that used to transport me into old happy times, but instead of focusing on you, I started looking at my old self, not recognizing that version of myself.

I felt empty, picture in hand, wishing for a different ending, yet registering that it was an alternative that wasn't likely to happen. You were out of my life for different reasons, and everything was working for my own personal growth. I used to be too naïve and innocent for my own good.

The cut you left in my heart was deep, which made it hard to start again on my own terms. I had to find myself again. I had to be happy for myself, not to make you see that I was capable of happiness after you. I had to stop fighting my emotions, to sit with them but let them go.

I slowly learned to stand up for myself, feeling for the first time in my life closer to that strong version of myself I was always aiming to become.

I refused to let my heart be consumed with hate anymore, leaving you in my past to return to myself.