Roses And Thorns (UNDER HEAVY EDITING)

27

-We all have our breakdowns.

I am a bit lost in terms of the way my days are passing by. Each day seems more challenging, with sadness waiting to take me with its waves at random times. I lost hope countless times trying to fix things. It feels like nothing is ever getting any better, and existence is only a cruel joke.

All that my heart wants are all the things I can't have. I hear other people talking about their goals and aspirations, and I feel on a very different boat. All I wish for is something to fill the emptiness inside of me, something that would make my heart feel whole again.

At times like these, I feel outnumbered by my demons, and wish for help of any kind. I always had to rely on myself and wanted to share my burdens with another person.

I hide my broken spirit behind a smile that convinces everyone I'm strong and doing okay. I can only admit on paper that I've been losing the war against my mind and giving up sounds like peace. I never asked for all of these bad things to happen to me, nor did I ask for this mockery of a life. 

Life feels like a giant illusion, a robotic dance where nothing is real, and everything is meaningless. I've grown tired of faking smiles and engaging in conversations that don't interest me. 

I feel guilty about losing some of my spirit and admitting the intrusive thoughts out loud. I want to be more than a whining teenager that can't get her life together after it all fell apart. 

Some days feel better, easier to pretend, and some feel like a big burden to mask. I get tricked on the better days, convincing myself that the nightmare is over, only to go back to square one.

All I feel is deep sorrow, that kills all hope I have left in my heart.