Roses And Thorns (UNDER HEAVY EDITING)

33

- Can't take the ache from heartbreak.

I was a hopeless romantic, playing out a story in my head about a romance that was never meant to come true. I dreamed of the prom experience you see in romantic comedies, of cute dates full of laughter and love. I fell for your dark eyes and imagined myself growing up to only drink black coffee, that would've reminded me of your empty orbs. 

The possibilities seemed endless with you, and I was more than willing to fix your wounds, so that I would be deserving of your love. Life was awfully dull without the prospect of that challenge I was more than prepared to make happen, or so I thought. 

I didn't think much of the negative consequences would have, how it could potentially all blow up in my face until it did. I wasn't your hero, I was a means to an end. As I started to pick up the broken pieces of myself, I had little choice in my next chapter. I was suddenly the main character of my own story, with no idea of what my next line would be.  

I started getting to know myself the way I so religiously got to know you. And to my surprise, we turned out to be very different. I had different values, and as someone who had a lot to give, I couldn't give my all to people around me. I had to lick my own wounds, to heal from the hurt you left me with. 

I started drinking coffee as a teenager, much to my own surprise. I had always imagined I'd start to like it as an adult. I discovered that I liked my coffee with milk and sugar, only because it felt like a drink that represented me, that made sense to me. 

I moved on as the days went by, slowly but steadily. My healing journey wasn't really something I could see as picture perfect. It was raw, painful at times. People were never instantly meant to overcome painful emotions. The hurt found a way inside of my heart and claimed the seat I saved for you. My heart would ache at time, I'd see my own emotions have a physical impact on me. There were lows I never thought I'd survive, until one day, where things started changing for the better. 

The hurt wasn't consuming my whole being anymore. The ache wasn't overwhelming. The pain didn't control me. I was outgrowing the pain slowly. It felt like a dim sunlight finally found it's way to my dark cave. I was underwater still, but I finally could see the surface getting closer, a long waited way to start feeling alive, to move beyond the pain others have caused.