Roses And Thorns (UNDER HEAVY EDITING)

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- People are storms, so am I.

I remember vividly the day my heart was shattered into pieces by your hands. The weather matched the feelings roaring inside of me. Two storms raged together on that night, life was poetic that way sometimes. 

I was sick of the arguments that never ceased between us. We were a heartbreak song playing on repeat. No matter how much I wanted to save us, I was crashing from the high. That wake up call gave me no other option than to stand up for myself. One of the hardest things I had to do for myself was stand up against the people I held close to my heart. 

I was filled with rage after your betrayal and that moment awoke my dark side. I saw the world differently in that moment. Nothing gives you clarity like being stabbed in the back. I acted strong to defend my own name, to bring shame to your games. The darkness became a part of me, empowering me to face my fear of losing you. 

Even though I only knew how to see life through my rose colored glasses, I had to face reality with a new lens when you shattered them. It felt like going to war against you, as well as the old version of myself that only wanted your validation. 

I only knew anger all of a sudden, because it was the only emotion giving me the strength to fight back, to fight my way forward in life. Only anger made sense for a long while after you. I wanted you to suffer with my heavy absence. We were constantly crossing paths, and showing weakness wasn't an option for me.   

That wasn't how I imagined completing my high school years, but I didn't have another option. The anger eventually turned into a new found confidence, a fierce love I felt towards this new version of me. I wasn't allowing people to tear me down anymore. I felt invincible with my new theory, I wouldn't let people close the way I used to anymore. I was expecting the hurt before it even happened, convinced that people were all temporary, meant to teach lessons. 

I was fueled and ready to thrive, mostly to show the same people that hurt me that they couldn't get to me anymore. If they couldn't respect me, I would make them fear me. I found the first time I saw results to the new way I presented myself was the most empowering. Having the people to hurt you look down as they walk by you was all I needed. They wronged me and were seeing the consequences of their own actions. They were obviously ashamed and frustrated by the way they wronged me, and I was satisfied by this turn of events.

I had learned the hard way that no matter how much you pour into others, humans were only good at one thing, destroying each other. The fact that my dreams had all turned to nightmares, and that I couldn't show the vulnerable side to my healing was hard, but I had anger to shield the pain brewing inside. The people who hurt me were never seeing my kindness again. They were filled with pride, and I was filled with anger. 

I found solace in my solitude, after deafening weeks of silence. I had less hope in humanity, friendship and love, because heartbreak, hate and bullying was the only reality I saw. I saw the only window of survival to make myself a predator, rather than a prey. 

I eventually understood that I wouldn't get closure from you, because you were filled to the brim with pride. I had to silence the part of me that wanted answers from you, that wanted to understand why you hurt me. You were too proud to give me an explanation, and I was too realistic to expect anything from you anymore. 

The only truth was that you showed me your truth, and I had to believe it for what it was, reality. Humans were flawed, and only knew how to project pain and hurt onto others.