Roses And Thorns (UNDER HEAVY EDITING)

6

-Make me feel alive.

My loneliness is sucking the life out of me. I crave the type of connection that would satisfy my soul. I need a friend if I'm completely honest. I want the type of solid friendship where we'd have each other's backs. But the reality is that I am all alone.

The ones I used to stand for became the ones I had to stand against. My world started to crumble and taking me down with its ruins. I felt so powerless until all was left was numbness. If I couldn't get their respect, I wanted them to fear me. 

I stood my ground on my own to be able to do so and had to pay the price of loneliness along the way. I was no longer the naive girl I used to be that used to put her trust in others. I only could rely on myself.

 But the only connections I made were superficial ones, that served my own benefits. These acquaintances were far from the friendship I needed and could not make me truly move on about the failed friendship I had to go through. 

If I had to be honest, pretending to be happy when I wasn't and making everyone around me believe that I was okay on my own protected me, but put a distance between me and others. 

I seemed to be rejecting the idea of closeness and intimacy but craving it at the same time. The irony was unmistakable in my situation, and all I could do was stay strong and be my own rock.

I couldn't deny that I was drained from the last people I let in, and I sure as hell wasn't ready to open up again. Loneliness became my only companion, and a genuine friendship was merely something I wished to be able to have one day.

I wasn't really living, but at least I was surviving.