Touch Me

Die For You

I'm not letting him get caught up in another one of my stupid fucking problems.

He walked with me, still obviously concerned. He put his arm back around me, and I stiffened up again. I'm going to keep this distance. If I'm not with him, I can't hurt him any longer. I'm doing him a favor by leaving his life. Hell, I'm doing it for him.

We walked into the school, and I left to my class without saying goodbye. He looked hurt, but shook it off and walked to his first class. I avoided him the rest of the school day.
After the bell rang I walked past his locker, trying not to acknowledge him, but as I passed him he grabbed me by my tie. Not enough to hurt me, just enough to stop me. He lead me back to him.

"Connor, did I do something to upset you?"

"No... You didn't do anything."

"Are you mad at me?"

"No. I'm not mad at you at all" I sniffled slightly

"Then why are you acting like this?"

"Like what?" I feigned ignorance

"Icy. All of the sudden you've been acting all cold towards me. What did I do wrong?"

"It's nothing. You didn't do anything wrong, it's me. I-I just don't want to hurt you, is all.." I started walking away again before he held onto my shoulder, turning me back towards him, keeping intense eye contact.

"What do you mean you don't want to hurt me? How would you hurt me?"

"....I just don't want you to be upset."

"Upset by what? Sunshine, you're upsetting me by acting like this.."

"Just... trust me... okay? It's easier if we're not as close."

"What's easier? ...Connor, what are you talking about? Why are you acting like this?"

"...I gotta go home, okay..? Goodbye..." I gazed into his eyes one last time before heading off

I'm going to miss those eyes.

But it's better this way. It's better for him, it's better for my parents, it's better for everyone. He's safer, this way.

I finally reached my house, Kevin far enough behind to give me the necessary space I had fought him so hard for. Heading straight up to my room, I grabbed a bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet. I had no idea what they were. I just knew that the more I took, the better. The more I took, the less chance I had of waking up and keeping him trapped in this fucking mess.
I unscrewed the lid, staring into the bottle like the barrel of a shotgun. Naturally, hesitations petered in. I was scared, no doubt. I felt sick. But I didn't have a choice. It was bad enough to have nothing going for me, no escape, but to drag the boy I love into it was far too much. I refuse to put him through one more moment of this.

Of course he'll be hurt at first. But it's better this way. He'll move on, he'll fall in love again, and do so with somebody who won't destroy his life the way I have. Somebody who didn't drive his father away, whose own father doesn't attack him. He deserves better than this. Things are better if I go.
But that doesn't mean it's easy. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to leave him. But I don't have any other choice.

And maybe it won't be so scary, after all. I'll fall asleep, and the next thing I know, I'm free. Away from my father, away from the shackles of my life. Away from the heartache, away from the pain. I'll be safe. And I can wait for Kevin to join me when his time eventually comes. He'll live a full life and when he's old and gray, he'll come back home to me. And he'll love me just as much as he does today. Somewhere safe, somewhere my father can't hurt us.