We ended up moving back home. His last job was well paying. And he already had it open. He had friends who didn't care if he's gay. Friends who accept me into their group. His mom was there.
We didn't have a lot in Massachusetts. All we really had was each other.
We managed to buy our old house back. It was more expensive than before, but it wasn't too bad. Our budget was just a little tight for a bit. But it was nice to be back. Our house felt like ours again. The only issue was that being back at house, the memories were harder to differentiate from reality, and they happened more easily. This was the house the events happened in, after all.
It was nice to be down the street from Kevin's mother again.
And Kevin was glad to have his friends back. After his first day of work, Kevin had all his friends over. All of them. It ended up being a little like a party. I'd never been to one. But it was cool. I was worried I'd have nobody to talk to, but Kevin was by my side as often as he could be, checking on me, and just making conversation. And when he wasn't, his friends talked to me. It was nice. I'd like to say we weren't drinking, but we were. People drink when they get together. It's not like anyone was wasted or anything. But we were drinking.
Eventually, people started to group together. They were all in conversation, and I wasn't. I was just standing there stiffly, trying to not seem like the odd one out. I finished an entire beer just trying to seem busy by doing so. Eventually, I gave up and went to the bathroom to just spend some time away from the people. I brought my beer with me, and sat at the edge of the bathtub, drinking. It was a nice break, I'll admit. I like his friends, but being around more than three people at once stresses me out.
It's not like I was hiding in the bathroom or anything.. I was just taking a breather. Away from everyone. Alone in the bathroom.
As I was getting ready to go back out, I set my bottle down on the edge of the counter. Unfortunately, it slipped when I turned around. The bottle shattered on the tile floor. I'm all too familiar with the sound of a bottle breaking. I'm all too familiar with the feeling of a broken bottle.
I stumbled back to the corner of the bathroom, letting myself fall to the floor. It hurt. Why did it hurt?
I remember the day my father broke a bottle on me. I remember the sharp glass in my skin. I remember my father screaming at me. All I'd done was talk to Kevin. And because of that, I had broken glass in my side. I could hardly even see, tears blocking my vision, the sting of the cuts incredibly intense.
All you'd be able to hear was yelling. My father screaming. My own shouts in pain. It's terrifying, truly. He derived pleasure from my pain. Like he was teaching me a lesson. He had no sympathy, as he beat me senseless. His eyes were filled to the brim with anger.
"Don't you ever talk to him again!"
"I won't! I-I promise..! Please, I'm so sorry!" I'd sob
"You're not sorry! Sorry's not good enough!"
"I'm so sorry, I swear! Please stop, I won't talk to him again!! I promise, I won't!"
"You said that before, nothing's changed! This is the only way you'll learn!"
"Please, I learned my lesson, just please stop!!"
He'd continue to scream at and batter me, as long as he felt justified.
"...Connor, what's happening?!" Kevin asked, slightly panicked, due to how unresponsive I was. Fortunately, this snapped me out of it a bit.
I could feel tears run down my cheeks, but I wasn't able to dry them. I was still in pain. I could breathe easier than last time, but I was sobbing so heavily that I would choke on my tears.
Presumably, my switch back to reality was visible to him, as he looked a little calmer. Not calm. But calmer.
He was on the floor, in front of me, the door closed behind him. He had his hand on my upper arm.
"What's going on?"
"My-My father.. t-the glass!" I managed to get out
"Hey, you're okay.. I'm right here. What happened?"
"The.. The glass! I broke it! And-And he'd.. he'd smash it against me! He-"
"Shhh, Sweetheart, you're okay..."
"Why does he hurt me..!?"
"Connor, he won't hurt you again. He's long gone.. you're okay now. I'm right here.."
"H-How did you get in..? Did-Did anyone see?"
"I heard glass break.. I knocked on the door a few times and all I could hear was.. Crying. I came in. Nobody saw you, I promise."
"I-I'd be so embarrassed.." I whimpered, essentially panting to catch my breath
"It's okay. It was only me.. just breathe okay?"
I nodded, trying to steady my breath. And stop crying. I focused on his touch. His eyes. He would make brief eye contact, before breaking it to observe the scene, before looking back into my eyes. He had beautiful eyes. They were real. And they were his. The longer I watched his eyes, the less I felt the fear of the anger in my father's eyes.
His hands were gentle on my arm and face. He'd gently run his fingertips over my cheek, reminding me that he was right here with me. That nothing bad would happen. That I was okay.
Kevin continued to talk me through it. It helped quite a bit. It's so good of him to help me through this. He's so kind.
"..Sweetheart, you're bleeding...." he said, beginning to get nervous again.
"What..?"
"Okay, stay calm. It's not bad. Blood makes you nervous, though. So don't look, okay? You don't need any more anxiety right now.."
"How bad is it?"
"It's not bad. I think you may have gotten a little cut on the glass, is all.. Don't move, I'll clean everything up, and take care of the cut.." he sighed
"I-I can do it, it's okay-" I stuttered, trying to push myself up
"No, Babydoll, just relax.." he insisted, setting his hand on my shoulder, keeping me down. He let go when I finally sat back down.
He got picked up all the broken glass from the bottle, wiped up any spilt beer, and returned to me. He removed the splinter of glass from just above my ankle, wiped off the cut, and put a band aid over it. It was a little embarrassing, but at least Kevin was the only one who saw what happened.
"I-I think I want.. to sit out the rest of the night..."
"I think I'm going to end the night, after this.."
"No.. no, people are having fun.. I'm just going to stay away, though.."
"I should stay with you.."
"I'll.. I'll be fine.. this happens.. I'll be okay. Just go have fun with your friends, okay? Please.. I want you to.."
"..you'll let me check on you however often I need?"
I nodded
"Okay.. you go rest."
"Alright.. I don't want anyone to see me.. if I go to the bedroom, they'll... they'll see me."
"How about the spare room? It's right down the hall where nobody'll see you, and it's got the guest bed."
"That'll work. Thank you.."
Kevin helped me up, making sure nobody was in the hall, before we went to the spare room.
He left me for a minute or two, bringing back a red plastic cup of water.
"Here.. this one can't break" he chuckled, setting it on the bedside table for me
"Thank you" I said, chuckling back. It felt good to laugh.
"Do you need anything else?"
"No, I'm alright..Thank you....Go have fun. You deserve it." I smiled, reaching for my cup
"Sunshine, you're shaking.. are you sure you-"
"I'm fine.. Go on. They're.. They're wondering where you are."
He let out a sigh to show that he was dissatisfied with leaving me, followed by a soft 'thank you' smile, and a kiss on the cheek, before he exited, closing the door behind him. I leaned against the headboard and shut my eyes, focusing on calming myself down.
He checked on me several times that night. Well, sometimes to check on me, and other times, he'd come back, sit down on the bed and say that he just missed me. I'd entertain him for a bit. Make him laugh, play with his hair. But eventually, I'd send him back out.
"But I like it better in here with you.."
"You-You have people over."
"But I miss you.. you're so much more fun..."
"We can have fun together.. anytime. You haven't seen these guys in a while.. go hang out with them. I don't want to see you for at least an hour. Well- I want to see you constantly, you're the light of my life, but I want you to go have fun with your friends for one more hour. Or until t-they leave.. whichever comes first."
"Oh, alright.. so bossy" he teased, going back to the living room.
I presume Kevin spent the rest of the time with them. I fell asleep after twenty minutes.
I woke up partially, four hours later, finding Kevin asleep in bed with me. I wrapped my arms around him, setting my head back to the pillow, glad to have him with me.
He wasn't under the covers. I think he may have flopped down on the bed and waited for me to wake up so we could talk, then go to our bedroom, but he had fallen asleep too.
I pulled a blanket up over him, and closed my eyes.
I woke up before Kevin that morning. His head was on my chest, his arms around my waist. He looked calm while he slept. Peaceful.
He woke after a few minutes of me running my hand through his hair. He had this gorgeous dark hair that I couldn't help but admire.
"Hey.. did I wake you?"
Kevin shrugged, pulling himself up closer to my face.
"How are your friends?"
"They're good.. they were glad to have us back... they were bummed you couldn't join us."
"What did you tell them?"
"You weren't feeling well."
"I wish I could've joined you too.. I was just.. having a rough time"
"I know. I understand. I'm just glad you're okay now.."
"Me too.. that was scary."
"I bet.. is there anything I can do when that's happening? I want to help.."
"I-I Don't think so, really.. you were great, yesterday. I think just do what you've been doing. Reminding me that I'm alright.. just try to keep me grounded."
"I wish I could do more.. I hate seeing you so afraid.. I'd do anything to help you. You don't even look like yourself when it happens... you're just.. filled to the brim with fear."
"Yeah, It's... it's scary.." i said, trying to downplay the fear I experienced.
"If you ever think of anything else I can do, please let me know.. I want to help.."
"I will... thank you. You're a good man for putting up with me."
"Connor, I care about you. And i love you. You're having a difficult time, I want to be there for you. And I want to help you. And I want to love you."
"... I love you so much."
"I love you too, Sweetheart."
"..Can I tell you something? And you won't be upset?"
"Yes.. of course.." he assured me. His hand still on my chest.
"..Do you remember.. a long time ago.. when I would.. when I would want to hurt myself?" I asked, staring ahead at the ceiling
"Yes.."
"I've been having those feelings again.. those urges..."
"...have you done anything? You haven't done anything, have you?"
"No.. no, I haven't" i put my hand over his to help reassure and comfort him "I just.. I think it comes back when I'm really stressed... And, not only have I been.. terribly stressed lately, I've also kind of been back in the mindset of.. when I lived with my father. I mean, it's almost like being back. Same fear, same memories, but.. just less physical damage. It's better, obviously. But being in that same mindset.. even for a short period of time.. it brings back a lot of difficulties from that time.."
"Are you afraid you'll do something?"
"Not really.. a-a little...I...It mostly just.. hurts to feel, more than anything, really... it's near.. painful to keep it silent.."
"You can always talk to me.. I'm glad you didn't hurt yourself.. it'd just break my heart.."
He whispered the last bit, realizing if I heard him say that, I may feel guilty.
"Yeah.. I think I'll be fine. And if not, I will tell you.. I just.. I couldn't say nothing. Keeping it silent is so draining.. I don't know how I used to do it constantly.."
"I'm glad you're able to be honest about it now.. I used to always get so worried about you.. I never knew how you were feeling. I would just wonder if you were okay or not. When I asked, you'd always say you were fine.. I just had to.. hope you were okay. And try to help you when I suspected you weren't.."
"I'm so sorry I put you through all that" I sighed, gently squeezing his hand, which lay on top of my chest, beneath my own hand.
"It's not your fault. At all. You were going through a lot.. you're better now, that's all I want for you."
" 'Better' is a loose term.."
"You are better. You still run into problems, but you're way better. You tell me what's bothering you. You don't hurt yourself. You eat consistently. You're happier. You've come very far, you should really give yourself more credit.."
"....Perhaps."
"You really should.. I'm proud of you. You should be too."
"You're so nice to me.." I sighed, lifting his hand off my chest, and bringing it to my lips.
"I love you.." he said, almost pouting. He wasn't saying it as justification for his kindness, though it is why he's so nice to me. He was just commenting. He just wanted to tell me. His eyes were slightly big while he focused his gaze on me. Those big, beautiful brown eyes.. he's absolutely perfect.
"I love you too, Baby."
".....this bed's comfy, we should switch it with our own" he muttered
"It is rather nice. Our bed sucks. Probably because we've had it since our first apartment"
"That may be why."
".....I don't ever want to get out of bed."
"We must at some point.."
"I'm exhausted.. just drained."
"I can imagine.. you went through a lot last night."
"I just feel dumb for being so tired because of that. But truly, I hardly have the energy to get out of bed as of now.."
"Don't feel dumb. You had a panic attack. You.. had a severe flashback to your father's abuse, you couldn't differentiate between that, and the present reality.. anyone would be exhausted after that. That sounds awful.."
"I once saw a program about a guy who could do... amazing things, all with sheer mentality and willpower. H-He could slam his hand down on shards of hot glass, and it wouldn't hurt, because he was able to fully convince himself that he wasn't feeling any pain.. pain is primarily in your head. Of course, physically you're feeling that damage, but your brain is what actually senses it and processes it and feels it.. when I have.. "memories".. I can sometimes feel what I felt back in that moment.. like when he whipped me with his belt.. I could still feel that when I had the issue a while back.. And last night. When I was fully immersed in that memory of him breaking the bottle on me.. I could feel the shards in my skin.. I could feel it. Even though it's all in my head.."
"That sounds terrible, Con.."
"It's... not great. But that's not the point. It's just.. insane that my hallucinations are so.. vivid that I can feel it. It's all in my head, but the pain is so real.. the mind is such a strong thing. We'll never be stronger than our minds.."
"I think we can be, in some circumstances.. but yes, I agree, our brains are.. powerful."
".....I guess I should get out of bed soon."
"We don't have to.."
"Yeah, we do.." i sighed
".. I hate responsibilities" he chuckled, setting his head down on my chest.
"Doesn't everyone?"
"I suppose nobody's ever really been a fan of obligation.."
"I suppose not, no.... did you tell any of your friends why you're back, yet?"
"I told Jack.. not anyone else yet.."
"What's the wait for?"
"I just wanted to have a fun night with them first.. I'll tell them, I will. Just not right now.. I'm a bit embarrassed of it."
"Why are you embarrassed..?"
"I got fired because everyone found out I was gay. The things they said about me, it's embarrassing.."
"You have no reason to be embarrassed, Kev. It's not your fault."
"I guess.."
"So how is Jack?"
"He's good. Glad we're back."
"I like him.."
"Yeah, he's pretty great."
"What about Gabe? I saw him, but I didn't get a chance to really have a conversation.. just a hello and such."
"He's good. He's gotten over Jack, which is great. He's got himself a boyfriend. I don't think it's anything serious, it seems more like a 'see how long this lasts' fling type of thing. They don't seem incredibly compatible, but he seems happy. That's what really matters."
"I'm glad he's found somebody.. he was just absolutely crushed when he had that run-in with Jack."
"Yeah.. this is his first relationship he's happy with. He was never happy dating women. He's happy. Why not go crazy with it?"
"That's true. My relationship with you became serious very quickly, but at first, it was.. thrilling. I'm glad he can experience that. I'm lucky I was ready for a long term relationship with you, but I can't imagine he's ready."
"I wouldn't think so. He's twenty three and only now entering a relationship he can be at all happy with. I'd imagine he wants to have fun with it"
"I'm glad he's happy. He sure deserves it."
"That, he does... Are you glad our relationship got serious so quickly? Do you wish you'd met more people first?"
"No. I'm happy with the way our relationship turned out. I always have been. I didn't want to screw around. I didn't want to get myself in a position where someone could hurt me again. I trusted you, and not really anyone else. I wouldn't have ever wanted to be with someone I don't trust completely. Even if it were to be just some casual thing.. I wouldn't want anyone I didn't trust to have been with me. To have seen my body. To have that power. I'm glad it's only been you."
"You don't regret anything?"
"Not a bit."
"Good.."
"Do you?"
"No. All I regret was being with someone else before you" he chuckled "I know exactly what you mean about trust. The man I was with before you, I wish I hadn't been with him. I gave him my body and my trust in him, neither of which he deserved. I regret it. I wish it had only been you."
"Well there's nothing you can do to change that you were with him. It's just how it happened. Perhaps in the long run, it's a good thing. Maybe if you weren't with him, you would've never known. You might not have ended up with me."
"I'm sure I would've.. even before I knew I liked men, I knew a handsome boy when I saw one."
"You think I'm a handsome boy?"
"Of course I do. You're the handsomest man the universe, I tell you."
"Really, the handsomest?"
"Yeah!! You're so stunning, it's crazy. I don't understand how you're even real. I didn't used to think people this perfect even existed.."
"You're just being nice. Perhaps I'm just fine, but I'm certainly not perfect."
"Yeah right. Sometimes I just.. stare. I can't even help it. It must look strange, but I just get lost staring at you. I'm the luckiest man alive, I swear.."
"I am. I'm lucky. My husband is the most kind, smart, generous, beautiful, funny... sexy, admirable man I've ever met."
"Well so is mine!!"
"It's like you were handcrafted by God himself in his perfect image..!"
"That's how I feel about you!!"
"...I love you so much."
"I love you too, Sunshine. How about we get some breakfast, yeah?"
"I guess."
"What do you want?"
"Anything."
"How about the old diner?
"That sounds nice..."
"It does. Come on, let's get dressed."
We drove down to the diner and ate breakfast together, before I dropped Kevin off at his work. He would only be there for an hour to go through retraining, but he was excited to be back. He got to say hi to some of his coworkers again. Some of his friends.
I picked him up again in an hour, pleased to a wide smile on his face when he got in the car.
"Hey!!"
"Hey, how was work!!"
"Oh, it was so nice.. I really took for granted being able to be at work without being relentlessly harassed about being gay. It's nice to not have everyone hate me."
"That's not something you should have to take for granted. That's just how it should be for everyone.."
"Well, it's not. I like these guys.. they're nice to me. They don't care. They treat me like everyone else and they ask about you, just like they ask about everyone else's wives or girlfriend.. it's nice. They.. like me for who I am. They couldn't care less whether I was with a man or a woman. They're real nice guys."
"That's awesome.. you should go do something with them.. go get drinks or something.."
"That'd be fun. Would you want to come with?"
"I wouldn't want to force my way into your group. They hardly know me"
"You don't have to come, but I'd like it if you did."
"I'll think about it. Call them. Or email. Or.. something."
"I will.."
He sent them all a text on his phone, inviting them out to the bar after work.
We drove to the grocery store, the pharmacy, and the pet supply store before we went home, almost out of my medication, and Frida's food.
Kevin spent his remaining free time reading a book, while I played with the cat. I love that cat. Soon enough, it was time to head out to the bar to meet his friends. I drove him there, but I didn't really feel like going in. I wanted him to have some time with his friends.
I took myself out to dinner at the local cafe, actually reading my new book while I ate dinner. I even got myself desert.
I love spending time with Kevin, but it was fun to just go have a dinner by myself. Not have to worry about conversation. I love talking with him, but something trying to come up with something to say in any circumstance can be stressful for me. This was nice.
I had about forty five extra minutes at home, after an hour at the cafe, before Kevin texted me
'Hey!! I'm ready for you to pick me up whenever you're 'readey' xxxxxxxxxxxx I love you so much'
I sent him back
'I'll be there soon. I love you too.'
I drove over to the bar, going in to find Kevin. I found him at the left wall, talking to a few guys, a beer in hand. I flagged him down, his eyes lighting up when he saw me. He called me over, greeting me with a hug
"Hey, Bear!!"
"Hey!!"
"You know Rob and Drew, right?"
"I do! Nice to see you guys again." I smiled, giving them each a quick handshake
"You too. I hope you'll be here next time."
"Oh... thank you. That's very nice. You guys have a good time?"
"Yeah. It's great to have Kevin back. He's a fun guy"
"He is.. Kev, are you ready to head home?"
"Yeah! It was so good to see you guys again. I'll see you on Monday, yeah?" Kevin asked, giving both his friends a hug. Kind of. It's not a hug really, it's just an arm around the shoulder to pat you on the back. Guys don't tend to hug properly.
"Yeah! Have a good night, you two!" Rob said
"You too, guys!"
Kevin and I headed out to the car, Kevin taking my hand, and leaning against me slightly, before we even left the building.
"I wish you came.. I missed you"
"I'll come next time, I promise"
"You will?!"
"I will"
"That's great!!
"I'm glad you guys had fun.."
"They're so great!! They're so fun!! I love those guys, I really want you to hang out with them soon. You'd like them a lot."
"I'm sure I will. They seem great. I just didn't want to intrude. You haven't seen some of these guys in a long time."
"You wouldn't be intruding!! They like you! And I like you a lot."
"I promise I'll be there next time"
"Good. I missed you. What did you do while I was out?"
"Not much.. got dinner, read my book."
"Sounds nice.."
"It was!! You sound tired."
"I'm not tired."
"Are you just drunk?" I teased
"I only had a beer and a half, so I'm definitely not drunk. Maybe a little.. happy" he chuckled
"It takes three to get me fully drunk, sometimes more.
"That's crazy. All It takes for me is like.. a beer and a half, actually."
"Cause you're tiny."
"I am."
"Even a drop of alcohol gets to you" he chuckled
"Nuh uh!"
"Yeah! One beer and you're already trying to get in my pants"
"Alcohol makes me horny, Kevin!" I chuckled, justifying myself
"I've noticed. And you're always so absolutely devastated that I don't want to have sex with you when you're drunk. When you're sober, you completely agree that both of us are only comfortable screwing when we're both sober or both trashed. And you feel the same way about when I'm drunk. But when you're drunk you seem to forget all about it, and see my dismissal as complete and utter rejection."
"You do the same! You sit on my lap and make out with me.. your ultimate goal is to get laid"
"Wow, men really are the worst, aren't we?" He giggled
"Yeah we do kinda suck.."
"Only when we're drunk!! Well, us at least.. other than when you're drunk and horny, you're always a wonderful, proper, good man. And I mean, you still respect my boundaries when you're intoxicated, you just tend to forget them at first" he chuckled "you're a very nice guy"
"Well that's just basic human decency"
"Some boys aren't so respectful and understanding. And you are. Always. I really appreciate that about you."
"..you're just as good to me. You get handsy, but if I seem uncomfortable, you take it back a step."
"Good. If one day I go too far, fucking smack me, honestly."
"I don't think that's something I have to worry about with you."
"I doubt it. But still."
"...you're very kind, you know."
"You are too."
"Thank you.. you know, I know it's not a big deal, but I'm really glad you didn't drink a lot.. it's stupid, but when you used to go out and drink with friends, you'd come home drunk.. It kinda worried me that one day you'd have a problem. But now that you've gotten older, you seemed to have toned that down. You can drink casually without drinking too much."
"Well I've matured. Don't get me wrong, being intoxicated can be.. fun, but I also enjoy drinking and not being wasted" he chuckled "i had a casual drink with my friends, and I still feel just fine. It's a fun activity."
"It is. I dunno, I think it's pretty cool.. when you were younger, you'd overdo it every time."
"Well, I've grown.."
"I'm glad."
-
-
-
It was a rather hot day that day. Unexpectedly warm. We didn't have any air conditioners in our home, only dying fans that push around hot air.
It was one of those 'too hot to even move' days. Kevin was sprawled across the carpeted floor on his back, dressed solely in his boxers and nothing else. He let me have the couch, but his spot was honestly better. The fabric of the couch was only making me sweat. I was in my boxers and shirt, as I'm less comfortable than Kevin.
I'm comfortable with him of course, but just not super comfortable with myself.
My shirt was thin, though. I couldn't wear an even mildly thick one, not in this heat.
Kevin wanted to read his book, but didnt even want to move enough to get himself at an angle in which he could read. Instead, he just watched the television, his head barely tilted upwards. He couldn't even wear his glasses, as they made the bridge of his nose sweat too much. He also refused to wear his contacts today, worried that they'd melt into his eyes. I assured him that won't happen, but he won't do it. So, he's stuck with blurry vision today. He was essentially squinting all day.
We didn't use the oven, it was too hot to use the oven. We only ate food we didnt have to heat. I wanted badly to cuddle with Kevin most of that day. Heat makes me feel sick, and when I feel sick, all I want is Kevin. But it was far too hot to even hug. Occasionally, I'd request he reach up and hold my hand for a bit, but that was the extent of it.
"Nice thighs, Mister" I teased, as he rolled onto his stomach
"Shush.. I reserve the right to not wear pants in my own home in hundred and four degree weather"
"I'm not kidding, you have nice legs!"
"It's just this underwear, it makes my thighs look smaller" he chuckled
"Does it also make your butt look better; because your butt looks good." I giggled, reaching down for him
"Get your hands away from my ass, McKinley" he chuckled, swatting my hand away
"You're no fun" I booed
"I'm plenty fun, it's just a million degrees out. Once it's cooler outside, you can touch whatever you want, as much as you want" he chuckled
"Is that a promise?"
"Sure is"
"I'm gonna grab your ass like there's no tomorrow" i giggled
"You're so juvenile. I love you."
We only got up that day to go out to places that had air conditioning. The library. The stores. We just sat in the car for a while with the air on, as well.
Frida wasn't a big fan of the heat either. She laid in front of the fan all day, looking grumpy. Who could blame her, really? It was hot as hell.
I'm not so sure I even believe in Hell anymore. I know 'hot as hell' is just an expression but I've been thinking a lot about Hell.
I know I believe in a Heaven. I think it'd be like some sick joke to allow people to fall in love so deeply on Earth, and to one day separate them. And they'll never see each other again.
I believe in Heaven, but I'm not so sure about the other stuff. I mean, it seems complicated on how you judge a person based on their actions. Is it based on their actions, or who they are? It seems unfair to judge someone's worthiness solely based on action. Perhaps those who were truly even just don't experience an afterlife. I don't know. How could I know for sure?
But I do believe that I will one day be with my grandfather and grandmother. With Benson, and Kevin and everyone we love. Perhaps even my father will be better by then, and we can see each other then. I think I'd like that. I'd like him to get better. I'd like to have a father.
I truly do believe there's no way that God would separate people from each other forever. That seems cruel to do. To create life and love and.. so much.. and keep them apart after it all.
It would be insane to keep me and Kevin apart. We can hardly go a few hours without each other.
I can't imagine a world in which I never see my grandfather again.