My birthdays were never a big deal until I met Kevin. I mean, it's not like my father made a big fuss, clearly. Sometimes, if he even remembered it was my birthday, he'd refrain from violence. If I was lucky.
And to that same spirit, I've never had anyone's birthday to make a big fuss over until Kevin came along. He always wants to make up for the lost birthdays for me, and for him, I always made a big deal. He loves making a big deal about my birthday. He gets really enthusiastic and I, in turn, get really excited that he is so happy about my birthday. Nobody ever made a big deal out of it before. I was ecstatic to see anyone that happy that it was my birthday. By the end, we'd both have smiles we can't seem to wipe off our faces. Celebrating someone's else's birthday is an underrated joy.
Of course, I'd always acknowledged my father's birthday. I'd mumble "happy birthday" when I saw him, on my way out to school, and then I wouldn't see him for a couple of days. But I never got to celebrate someone's birthday. It's very fun.
Kevin never makes a big deal about his own birthday, so I have to do it for him. I get just as excited for his, as he does for mine. Birthdays are exciting.
Kevin was already in the living room by the time I woke up that morning. He was out on the couch, watching the morning news, a mug of near-black coffee in his hand.
I still wasn't a coffee drinker, but Kevin had taken a liking to it once again.
He wasn't shaven yet, his cheeks, chin and upper lip prickly with stubble. His glasses were slightly fogged from the steam of the coffee. He was dressed in a gray undershirt, his boxers, and white tube socks, striped at the top.
"Hey!! Good morning, baby.." he smiled as I walked over to the couch
"Hey, Twenty-six!"
Kevin let out a slight chuckle, taking a sip of his coffee.
"Why do you already act like a forty nine year old dad?"
"Hey!!"
"I'm into it! You just matured so quickly. You're going to be retiring by thirty" I teased
"I'm perfectly happy to be getting old"
"Good. Happy birthday, old man" I giggled, kissing his cheek
"Thank you" he grinned, pulled his arm around my middle, to rub my side "it's gonna be a good one, I can tell"
"I think so too.. what do you want for breakfast?"
"I think I want to finish up my coffee and make a vegetable omelette."
"You don't want to go out?"
"Nah.. not right now"
"Can I at least make it for you?"
"I like my omelettes a certain way. Plus, I like to cook for you."
"So for your birthday, you're going to cook me breakfast?"
"..yep." He chuckled
"If you insist.."
"That, I do."
"Then, alright.. you'll make breakfast. But I'm taking you out to dinner. Deal?"
"Deal."
He finished his coffee, and got up off the couch
"I'm going to make more coffee, do you want any?"
"No, thanks."
"Alright. What do you want in your omelette?"
"Just cheese and spinach, please"
"No egg?"
"..I assumed the egg was a given, but yes, I'd like egg in it" i rolled my eyes at his attempt to poke fun
"Alright" he giggled, heading into the kitchen.
I like the way our apartment is set up. I can watch him cook, from our couch. He looks good when he cooks.
You can tell it's something he loves to do.
While our breakfast cooked, he brewed another cup of coffee.
"So, I'm thinking of growing out my facial hair a little.. not like a beard or anything, just.. not fully shaven. What do you think? Will I look good or like I live under a bridge?"
"You should try it.. you look fantastic right now. And if you just do your hair the way you normally do, it'll look more professional. I like the 'sleepy guy that's spent the whole weekend reading a book about World War Two' look, but your boss may not love it just as much as I do. Just don't go to work with messy hair" i giggled
"I always do!!"
"Then go for it!"
"..I will!! I'll probably cave and shave my face clean after four days" he chuckled
"You can just give it a shot. I think you'll look great. You can make anything work."
"Yeah, right"
"Yeah!!"
He finished our breakfast, and brought the plates to the couch.
"So what do you want to do today?"
"Uh.. I don't have anything in mind. I'd really like to just hang out with you. Maybe go have dinner.." he shrugged
"That sounds nice!! Do you want to see your present?"
"You didn't have to get me a present!"
"Well, I did. Do you want to see it?"
"How about after we're done eating?"
"Fine.. I'm excited to give it to you.. i have two presents for you today"
"Two!? I don't even need the one!"
"Well you're getting two."
"..you're too nice. I don't deserve you. Go get yourself someone better. One that actually deserves two gifts"
"You do too deserve two!!"
"I don't even deserve you! You're too good to me. I deserve a glass jar full of cigarette water" he chuckled
"You deserve everything the world has to give"
"Yes, well you deserve the best man in the universe. Luckily, you love me, but still"
"You deserve the best one in the universe too!" I insisted
"That's what I have."
"..me too" i grinned
"Come here, I want to kiss you.." he giggled, setting his plate down
"You mean businesses. I've never seen you give up your breakfast for a kiss so freely." I chuckled
He rolled his eyes
"You're a jerk. I love it." He chuckled, placing both hands on my cheeks, and pulling me in for a kiss
I recently had gone down on my medication. My doctor thought I was doing well, and could do just the same on less. So far it had only been minor differences. I woke up earlier than usual. I was a bit more alert and on edge. A few more minor things. Not necessarily good or bad. But one thing that stuck out to me was my... memories.
I would always have the occasional.. incident. But they were more frequent. And more intense. luckily, I have been alone for these intense episodes. I wouldn't want anyone to see. I'm not entirely sure what exactly happens. My memory seems to blank. I'll be reminded of something harsh from my life, and all of the sudden it's like I'm there. I'm just in this trance. And I don't know how long it takes, but whenever I'm present again, it's like I have no idea what's going on. I'm confused. And scared. And it seems to be getting worse.
I've also been having urges. To hurt myself. I've been able to push them away and power through them. But it's still not a good thing. Though, I'm not sure I can directly link it to my lack of medication. Things like this happen.
Aside from these hushed issues, I've been fine. I don't really see a need to go back up on my medication. I don't see a need to tell anyone. Besides, even if I did, It's a little embarrassing. But it's not an issue.
"You look so cute this morning.." he smirked, running a hand through my hair, taking time to look at the color against his fingers.
"Yeah, right.."
"It's true. You're very handsome.."
We finished up our breakfast and spent some time getting dressed and showered. Kevin already changed his mind about his facial hair, and shaved again. He looked good either way. He's a stunning man. He's perfect. And he loves me. Me. I don't know how on earth it happened. How this.. human embodiment of physical and inner perfection managed to fall in love with me. It's incredible.
"So where are we going?" Kevin asked, throwing on his jacket
"It's a surprise!!"
"Then let's get going."
"Not until I give you the first present!"
Kevin sighed with a chuckled, sitting down at the foot of the bed. He wore his glasses today, almost out of his contacts. He looked great in them, though. I love his glasses.
"Ready for your present?"
"I think so..!"
"Alright, close your eyes!"
Kevin closed his eyes. I pulled out his gift from under the bed.
"Alright, open then!"
He opened his eyes, a smile appearing on his face.
"It's so pretty..!"
"It's-It's the stars.. from the night we met."
"This is amazing.. I love it. Thank you, Sunshine"
He set it aside to pull me in for a hug, picking it up again when he was done.
"Where do you think it should go?"
"I was thinking it'd look nice above our bed.."
"I like that.."
"So It's a good gift?"
"It's a fantastic gift! You're the best."
"I'm glad you like it.. come on, let's get going. We're running late."
I hopped up off the bed, and walked him out to the car.
"I'm assuming you'll drive? I don't know where to go" he said
"Yeah, I'll drive"
Kevin tossed me the keys, getting into the passengers seat.
"...so where are we going?" Kevin asked after around fifteen minutes of driving.
"We're almost there."
"What is it?"
"It's a surprise"
We arrived soon after at one of Kevin's favorite diners.
"You've gotta close your eyes again, okay?" I said, after we pulled into the parking lot
"Again?!"
"Again!"
He sighed and shut his eyes, unbuckling from his seat.
"I already know where we are"
"Well, that's not the surprise.."
I got out of the car, opening his door for him, and helping him out. I put my hands over his eyes, leading him into the restaurant
"Ready?" I asked as we stopped in front of a table.
"I think so.. is it scary? Should I brace myself?"
"It's not scary" i giggled
"Alright, uncover my eyes!!"
I took my hands away, Kevin's eyes widening almost immediately.
"..holy shit. Mom!!" He rushed over to her, pulling her into a great big hug
"Hi, Kevvy!!"
"Oh my gosh, hi!! Connor, did you do this?"
"It doesn't matter. Come on, sit down. You have a lot to catch up on"
It was a very nice lunch. We haven't seen his mom since we moved. Kevin looked so happy to see her. She was happy too. Those two had always been so close. It must've been really hard for them to be apart so long.
"Connor, stop being so shy! Come on here.." he pulled me closer to his side, kissing my cheek "this is the best birthday present ever."
"I'm glad you like it" i smiled
"I do. Connor, tell mom about your job search! You're being quiet."
"Well... I'm going to try to find myself a job. One I like. And can do... there's not much more I can say. The term 'job search' is very self explanatory" I chuckled.
"Well, I wish you luck. I'm very proud of you." His mother smiled.
"Thank you, Mrs. Price. So what's life like back in Connecticut?"
"It's nice. Unfortunately, your old house is on the market again...."
"Oh really? Do you know why?"
"No.. the family moved."
"That's a shame.."
"Yeah. I liked those people. What's your new place like?"
"Well, if you'd like to come see it after lunch.. it's nothing special. We like it a lot, though" Kevin smiled
"That'd be great"
"Good. So where are you staying tonight?"
"In the hotel downtown.. nice place."
"How long are you staying?"
"Just tonight. I just wanted to pay you guys a visit."
"Thank you for coming"
"Thank Connor. It was his idea."
"Thank you, Con.. you're the best husband in the world"
I scoffed slightly, making him frown
"Come on, you're the best!!" He insisted
"Well, thanks.. I love you."
"I love you too."
We had a nice day with his mom. We showed her our apartment, our town. Kevin's office. It was a good day. We got to catch up. She stayed for dinner, but left us afterward.
"That was so much fun today, thank you Connor.." Kevin sighed, unable to wipe the smile off his face.
"I'm glad you had fun!"
"I did.. you're the best in the whole world.."
"Am not"
"Are too!! You're the best ever! Not to mention, you're real handsome..."
I blushed slightly, shaking my head
"Stop doing those dishes, I want you here.." he smiled
"What are you getting at, Price?"
"Nothing.. I just wanted to see you..."
"I should finish the dishes."
"The dishes can wait.."
I let out a defeated sigh, smiling at him.
I set down the dishes, walking over to him.
He set his hands on my thighs, rubbing them up and down, as he stared up into my eyes. His hands kept moving until they reached my hips. Then my waist and my back. He began to pull me down, until I was sat on top of his legs, facing him.
I was trying not to let my face go red as he continued to maintain eye contact with me.
"Do I ever tell you I'm the luckiest man in the world?" He mumbled, peeling my shirt's collar back from my neck, leaving a soft kiss there to replace it. His lips were warm, the sound of them on my skin, repeating itself in my head.
"....That rings a bell, yes" I whispered, giggling slightly.
"Well, It's the truth.."
His lips found their place on my neck once again.
We locked eyes another time and I was a goner.
I didn't know what to so do from there, really. I was frozen.
"I like this shirt on you.." he said, while slowly popping off the top buttons, his voice smooth
"..if you like it so much, why are you taking it off?" I chuckled
"It looks very nice.. I can't stand you having it on another second" he scoffed, unbuttoning further down the line.
"....take it off, then."
Kevin seemed absolutely thrilled to finally have my explicit permission. No matter how much I mirrored his tone, he wouldn't go further unless I told him to.
He quickly unbuttoned the rest of my shirt, pushing it off my shoulders, keeping it still around my forearms. Before he could get it completely off, I pulled him in for a kiss. It was a bit rougher than I usually present him with, but he clearly enjoyed it.
My hands on his cheeks, he began to tug at my belt.
He pulled away long enough to whisper
"I want to go to our room.."
"Me too..."
He pulled my shirt up to my shoulders again, rubbing my arm through the fabric.
I got up and led Kevin to our bedroom, able to feel his eyes on me the whole time.
It took a while for him to even entirely remove my shirt. He was being incredibly slow, taking the time to admire each inch of my body.
Laid back on the bed, I was propped up by my elbows, able to kiss him properly. My husband above me, made taller on his knees, I could feel his lips trail down my body, until he reached the button of my pants.
I watched as he began to gently tug at my belt once more, looking back up at me for further permission. I gave him a nod, and he unbuckled my belt. He let it fall to the floor, as he made his way back up to my lips.
"God, you're gorgeous.." he grunted, placing soft kisses on my lips and cheeks.
The time he took was a bit frustrating. Lately, once I'm up and going, I'm ready. And I was quick to do so. It probably had something to do with my recent decrease in medication. I was a bit more.. spontaneous.
Despite that, I liked him being so gentle and slow. It wasn't just sex at that point, it wasn't just because he wanted to do it, it wasn't a 'you're hot, I want to fuck you' type of thing. Though, that happens. We're human. We have sexual urges. Even still, those are still acted upon with love in our hearts. But this was different than that. It was derived out of love and need for the other person. It was because he genuinely wanted me. He wanted that feeling. That intimacy shared between us. Where it's like we're the only people on earth. He wanted me. It was special. It wasn't just sex. It was us. Together. And that was what he wanted.
Kevin doted upon me endlessly that night. His speech was generally quiet and soft, turning to mumbles later on. But he used most of it to tell me all about how beautiful I looked to him. He kissed me relentlessly. All over my body. He didn't give me any hickeys. Both because if any potential employers saw them, I'd never land a job in a million years, and because Kevin said I looked 'too perfect to change a single thing'.
I, on the other hand, gave Kevin quite a few. Mostly around his collarbone, and the base of his neck. They look good on him. He's gorgeous.
-
-
-
Kevin went into work the next day, having to leave a bit earlier than I would have hoped. I'd wanted to stay in bed with him for a while longer. Have him hold me longer. But he had to go. He put on his tie and jacket, and gave me a kiss before he left.
"I left some breakfast on the table for you. Heat it up whenever you feel like getting up. I'll see you when I get home, darling."
"See you then.." I smiled softly.
I slept in a little longer, reheating the breakfast Kevin had left for me, when I woke up. He'd left me a bowl of oatmeal, a sliced apple, and a glass of orange juice. He's so sweet. He left a little note on the table as well.
'Good morning, Handsome.
I'll be home soon. I can't wait to see you' it read, closing with a smiley face he'd drawn on the paper.
I could feel a smile creep onto my face as I read. He treats me well.
I had a fairly relaxed day. Nothing triggered any... issues. Any memories.
Kevin returned home early that day. Very early. He came home at one that afternoon, letting out a heavy sigh as he slammed the door behind him.
"Kevin... what's the matter?"
"They know." He huffed, taking off his jacket and throwing it onto the floor, stress in his face.
"Know what?"
"Everything. They all know everything... god damnit!!"
"Hey, slow down.. what's going on..?"
He threw himself down on the sofa
"All my coworkers.. they found out about us."
"Oh.."
"I was going to tell them at some point! I wasn't ready, though! And Mark-....fucking Mark, he told everyone!"
"Gee..."
"I asked him not to say anything! I told him before he had us babysit, I said 'Mark, I have something I need to tell you. And you have to promise me you won't tell anyone.. no matter what.' And he said 'I promise' clearly that word means nothing to him, because he told everyone..."
"Oh, Kevin.. what does this mean for your job..?"
"I don't know.." he said, tears shaking his voice as he held them back "but, everyone knows.. a few guys have said something.. made a few remarks.. I don't know. Everyone's talking about it.. about how I'm 'a cocksucking fag-boy'...how I oughta be ashamed of myself..." he stared ahead, his voice beginning to crack and go weak. His eyes were welling with tears, that he was trying to desperately to hold back. He didn't want to seem any weaker right now than his coworkers made him feel.
"God... Kevin, I'm so sorry.."
"...I don't know what management is going to want to do.. they could be disciplined for their actions.. I could be fired."
"I.. don't know what to say. That's awful.."
"Yeah.. They went after both of us."
"What do you mean..?"
"They said.. horrible things. Not of all them.. some of them. But the ones that did.. said some very unkind things.."
"What did they say..?"
"It doesn't matter.."
"I deserve to know."
"It's nothing. They just.. said things."
"Like what?"
"... 'Did you hear Price's got a secret wh-' no.. no, I won't say it... I-I won't say that.."
"..a secret what?"
He simply shook his head, sniffling
"Please tell me what happened..."
"Whore! They said 'did you hear Price has got a secret whore'!" He sobbed "they said that 'guys like that deserve what's coming to them'! Fuck!"
"Oh my god... Kevin..."
"I-I don't think any action can be taken, they-they didn't say it directly to me.. and I-I'm not sure how the company feels about people like me.."
"Everything will be okay, Kevin.."
"And what if it's not!? What if I get fired? What if these guys never stop?"
"We'll talk about that if the time comes. You always have that job back in Connecticut open. They'd be lucky to have you back. You're the one that got promoted, after all.."
"I just.. I don't understand.. why would they do this?"
"I don't know, Kevin.."
"God.. I-I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to break down, there.." he sniffled, wiping the tears off his cheeks.
"It's okay.. I'm so sorry, Love..."
"..I think I'm going to have a cigarette" he sighed
"Do you need a hug..?"
He sure looked like he did.
But he shook his head.
"I-I'm fine.. I don't need one..."
"...Are you sure?"
He gave in, diving his face to my stomach, wrapping his arms around me. Kevin heaved, before letting out another set of tears.
All I could do was hold him in my arms, and try to comfort him. The poor kid.
He cried for quite a while, before he finally collected himself, and went out for a cigarette.
I ended up calling his mother. Who else could I talk to this about? Kevin is one of the only people I know here. She answered the phone rather quickly.
"Hello?"
"Hi.. it's Connor."
"Hi, Connor, how is everything?"
"Uhh... not fantastic. That's what I wanted to talk about... I don't have my own mother to call. You're... both of our mothers" i chuckled nervously
"What's going on?"
"Kevin.. someone at work outed him.. to the entire office. Everyone.. uhm... they said some.. horrid things about him. And he's.. he's having a really difficult time. I don't know who to talk to about this but you.."
"Oh my.. is Kevin there with you?"
"No. He's outside, trying to cool down.."
"Gee... how is he doing?"
"He's feeling pretty rough. I haven't seen him this upset in a long time..."
"The poor thing.. is he okay?"
"He'll be okay.. he's just.. really upset"
"Who can blame him?"
"Yeah.. I feel awful for him. I don't know what more I can say to him. All I can do is just be there for him.."
"That's the best thing you can do. Just be there for him. He knows that you're not there to solve his problems for him. You're there to support him. And it seems you're already doing that. Just keep it up. Be there for him."
"..okay. Thank you.. I love you."
"I love you too, Connor. Why don't you go check on Kevin, okay?"
"Okay. Thanks. Bye, Mrs. Price.."
I hung up the phone, heading downstairs, out of the apartment complex. I spotted Kevin sitting underneath a tree, smoking a cigarette. I went over and sat down next to him.
He offered me a cigarette, but I turned it down.
I stayed mostly silent, allowing him to just lay his head down on my shoulder, and enjoy his cigarette.
When he was nearly finished with it, he let out a heavy sigh, closing his eyes and allowing himself to just hide his face in my arms.
"...you smell nice" he mumbled "it's relaxing... you smell like.. home. I can't explain it. But it's comforting."
"......I promise you everything will be okay."
"...I hope so." He sighed softly
"It will."
He nodded and kissed my shoulder, wrapping his arms around my neck.
We had a long, quiet night, but by the time we went to bed that night, he was feeling better.
I was glad I was able to make Kevin feel any better. But I continued to think about the things those men said to him. One in particular stuck with me. I tried to shake it from my memory. It was upsetting to me. I don't know why. I kept trying to put it out of my head, I don't want to make anything about myself. But it was hard for me not to just think about that one remark.
I couldn't sleep. I was sat up, leaning against the headboard, Kevin laying down, his head on my lap. I twirled his hair on my fingers to soothe him to sleep. Unfortunately he didn't quite get there before my mind succumbed to the remark. I began to entertain the thought of what that meant. 'Guys like that deserve what's coming to them'
Why did that phrase continue to repeat itself in my head?
Guys like that deserve what's coming to them
Finally, it struck me. And it slapped me in the face.
"Guys like you.. you get what you deserve"
I could nearly smell the toxic mixture of alcohols on the breath on the angry man who towers over me.
I'd beg and sob for him to just leave me be. Let me get away. To not hurt me. The bruises and scars and welts from last time still hadn't healed. Every move was agonizing. I'd plead for him to just stop.
He wouldn't.
He'd take out his belt and he'd beat me with it. Until he drew enough blood to feel that I'd learned my lesson. I'd choke on my tears, the sting of the hit forcing only more sobs out, screaming for him to please stop.
He wouldn't. The more I pleaded, the harder he'd hit me.
"Connor!!" Kevin shouted, putting his hands on my face and trying to look into my eyes and ground me.
I couldn't grasp reality, though.
I couldn't even breathe. I was hyperventilating, almost gasping for breath. He'd been shouting my name for quite some time.
I could hear Kevin, but I still couldn't pull myself out of it.
"Connor! Connor, can you hear me?"
It took a lot of power to nod my head yes, but I was able to.
"What's going on? What-What do I do!?" the panic was clear in his voice, but I couldn't do anything. I shook my head, not knowing what else to do.
He turned my face to his, trying to break me from this horrible memory that I was reliving. It was like I was there. I couldn't even process what was happening in the real world.
"Connor, listen to me.. you're okay.. I-I don't know what's happening, but you're okay. I'm right here, okay? You're going to be alright. I-I need you to breathe, okay?"
I couldn't steady my breathing if I tried. I had absolutely no control over it.
He hugged me tightly, very suddenly. It frightened me further at first, but I was able to slowly put my shaky hands on his shoulders. I was starting to come out of it a bit, but I wasn't near back to reality. But feeling his arms around me helped me to understand what I was actually feeling. That the intense sharp and stinging pain was all in my head. It wasn't real. I was home. In our bed. It didn't feel like it, but somewhere inside, I knew it to be true once again.
I squeezed my eyes shut, focusing on the muted warmth I felt from Kevin's hands. He continued to talk to me, repeating himself quite a bit. Mostly telling me that I was okay.
My breathing had slowed a bit. Not much, but I was no longer gasping for breath. It was toned down to deep, but still rapid breaths. More like a deprived pant.
It took me a few more minutes to get my breathing slowed. Once I gained awareness of myself and my body, I had to force deep breaths. I was still using deep breaths, now. It wouldn't be normal again for a while. Kevin kept me in his arms, until I gave him the 'okay' to let me go. I had to spend quite a while, studying my surroundings before my brain finally accepted them as reality. It still felt off though, of course. It did for a while.
"Connor, can you talk to me?" He finally asked
I nodded
"Good.. what's going on?"
"...nothing. It.. It was just a.. a panic attack.."
"What happened?"
"My father...."
"What do you mean, Sweetheart?"
"I-I've been having... trouble."
"What kind of trouble?"
"Memories. Bad memories... it's-it's like I'm there... I am there. I'm back in those memories.."
"Is that what was happening there?"
I nodded, still grasping his shirt
"Why haven't you told me?"
"I'm embarrassed.."
"Don't be. Connor I think you may have some post-traumatic stress.."
"I-I don't know.. it's scary. I'm there again. Being beaten and screamed at by my father... this.. gut-wrenching pain.."
"Oh, Connor.."
"I'm sorry if I... if I frightened you.."
"It's not your fault.. that must be so scary..."
I nodded
"Your eyes were so wide.. but they were empty. There was nothing in them but fear. I hardly recognized them.."
"I'm okay.. I'm okay now."
"Are you sure?" He asked wiping tears from my face. A lot of them had already dried onto my cheeks, though.
I nodded
"Yeah. I think I'm going to be up a while longer, though.. I'm going to get some water.."
"I can get it"
"No.. walking around.. it'll help me feel better. Normal."
"Are you sure you don't need anything..?"
"Yeah. Thanks."
I got up out of bed and headed to the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of water, and mostly just sipped at it. I felt nauseous, I really don't want water.
I sat down on the couch, turning on the television to a volume so low I could hardly hear it. I continued forcing myself to have a sip of the lukewarm water every now and then. I could still vaguely hear the shouts of my drunken father. But I knew it was in my head. I knew I was here.
Around ten minutes later, Kevin entered the living room, a blanket wrapped around him over the shoulders.
"You could've told me you weren't coming back to bed.." he chuckled softly, sitting down on the couch
"Sorry.."
"Don't be. What're we watching?" He asked, cuddling up to me, making sure I got some of the blanket.
"Uh.. I don't know. I think it's a.. a movie. Something about the war.. black and white.."
"..how long has this been going on?"
"Uh I think it's near the end..."
"No, not the movie.. these.. episodes"
"A couple weeks... it's always been when you were.. when you were at work.."
"..you sound like you're having a hard time talking..."
"Yeah.. I'm exhausted... disoriented.. I-I'm fine, though..."
"Okay.. are you feeling alright?"
"It's not like I can feel... good right now. But it's pretty.. pretty standard."
"Do you think you'll be going back to bed anytime soon?"
I shook my head in response.
Kevin leaned onto my side, wrapping his arms around mine, and setting his head on my shoulder.
"You don't.. have to stay up with me. .. I'm okay.." i insisted, trying to keep the pauses between my words shorter, not wanting to seem pathetic.
"I'm not gonna leave you.."
"I-I'm usually alone when it.. when it happens.. I'll be okay. You... You don't have to take care of me.."
"I know you're okay. You're very strong but, I just wanna to be here with you. Whether you can handle it well or not, I don't think anyone should have to go through it alone.."
I nodded.
Kevin fell asleep long before I did, snuggling up with me on the couch. The poor thing was exhausted. He's had a very long day. But he stayed up as long as he could, just so I wouldn't be alone after what happened. He's a good man.
Even after my episode was done and over with, it still feels like it was real. I still find myself in the mindset I would be in after suffering a beating like that. Just.. upset. Regretful. Angry. Afraid. Like I've done something wrong.
If I don't distract myself, it'll lead to more difficult feelings to deal with. Unfortunately, I didn't distract myself.
I get these urges in times of high stress. I'm not going to act on them, of course. But they appear in times like this. The urges to hurt myself.
Though I no longer experience the physical pain of the memories, my mind is flooded. It's not enjoyable. I don't really know how to make it stop, either. I just try to ignore it until it goes away.
I didn't sleep until late that night. Into the morning hours, actually. Around three. Kevin and I both slept in that morning. Who could blame him for not going into work that day? I sure wouldn't want to, after what happened the day prior.
I only got about three or four hours of sleep that night. I was exhausted the next morning. And I looked the part, too.
Kevin was awake when I woke up, watching whatever was left on the television after the movie last night had ended. He was still right next to me, wrapped in his blanket.
"Hey...staying home from work today..?"
"Yeah.. I'm not ready to go back today.. how are you feeling?"
"Fine. I swear, I am, it happens all the time.."
"I'm sorry..."
"Don't be. I'm alright. Have you heard anything from anyone from work?"
"No."
"I'm sorry."
"Me too. But it's not your fault. Don't worry about it. Whatever happens, happens."
"I guess that's true."
"How about we get something to eat?"
"I haven't been all too hungry lately.."
"Why do think that is?"
"Don't know" I shrugged "just haven't been hungry... rather nauseous lately, actually.."
"Can't you try to eat something?"
"I can try.."
"Attaboy.. why don't we go out and get something?"
"Yeah, maybe.."
"Come on.. let's get dressed and go out for some breakfast.. take our minds off things.."
I agreed with reluctance.
We got dressed and headed downtown for breakfast. I didn't end up eating too much, but it was nice to be out of the apartment. Kevin seemed glad to have the distraction. Going out was a good decision. Until Kevin looked out the window by the door and suddenly muttered "oh, shit.."
"What? What is it?"
"Jeff. Jeff from work. He's coming in.."
"What?"
"He's here."
"Why?"
"I don't know! I-I'm going to go to the bathroom until he's gone.."
"Oh-"
Kevin got up and headed off to the bathroom, his coworker coming in just after. He didn't know me, luckily. He wouldn't know that I'm the one Kevin's married to.
He came and went, getting a coffee on his way to work. Kevin came back a few minutes later, looking to make sure he was gone, before sitting back down.
"Sorry... I didn't want to see him.. is that all you're going to eat?"
"Yeah, I think so.."
"Alright.."
"Let's get out of here."
It wasn't long after we arrived home, that Kevin received a phone call.
I couldn't hear the other side of the call, but Kevin's reaction told me everything.
"....you're kidding. You're fucking kidding me, Jonathan.. no. No, that's not-...... so that's it, then? After months and months of being your top employee, I get fired because people found out? Why am I the one being punished for this!? I'm not the one harassing- no... John, a lot of them are married as well. The fact that they're married has never caused any distraction. This isn't my fault, all I ever did was get married long before I moved here! I never brought it up, I never said a single thing, and now- .....God damn it.. no. No, I'll get my things tomorrow.. god, you're really fucking me over, here, John!....'sorry', yeah, I'm sure you are.... and there's nothing I can do? Well.... I'll see you tomorrow. Fuck you. All of you."
Kevin hung up abruptly, letting out a heavy sigh
"...you were fired?"
"Yep. I lost my fucking job."
"Oh, gee... Kevin, I.. I'm so sorry.. what does this mean?"
"Well, my job back in Connecticut is still secured if I want it back.. Either I find another job here or we move back."