Kevin and I went home a few days early. After the incident in the town, we were both fairly shaken up, myself more so than him. We just didn't feel entirely safe there unless we were at his house. Once we were off that farm, we were afraid to even smile at each other for too long.
I wish we could've stayed as long as we'd hoped. We really loved being with Kevin's grandfather. But I was having daily nightmares about what happened. And neither of us felt comfortable being with each other outside the house anymore. Even at night.
With a heavy heart, we went home.
Our new apartment was strange. I like it, of course, but I was still kind of used to the old house. It's nice, though.
It kind of reminds me of me and Kevin's first apartment together. Tiny, but not cramped. It was the right size for us. We didn't need a lot of space.
I loved Kevin and I's first apartment. It wasn't a whole lot, but it was ours. And it was nice. Our first place together.
And this was a similar place. I liked it quite a lot, actually.
The walls were white, our bedroom and living room carpeted, but the kitchen and bathroom, tile.
Frida seemed to like it here. Her bed is right below the window, so she can see the outside whenever she wants.
It's a lovely place. But of course, we miss living near his mom.
It was a tough change, but a rewarding one.
Kevin seemed so happy here. And I liked it here too. Truthfully, even if I didn't like it here, seeing Kevin doing so well both in his job, and in his day to day life, it's worth it. He has more energy, and when he comes home from work, he's all smiles.
"Baby!!" He called out as he walked into our apartment
"Kevin!" I cheered, a wide smile now on my face
He put down his keys on the table, and I rushed over to him. He immediately wrapped me in a hug, leaving a kiss on my cheek.
"How was work?"
"It was great" he beamed "how was your day?"
"It was pretty good. Great, now that you're home."
"You're cute..."
"I made dinner!"
"You did?"
"Yeah!"
"Gosh, you're the best. What'd you make?" He asked, walking over to the stove.
"Just some chicken and rice.. we didn't have much food, we gotta go to the store" I chuckled
"Thank you for dinner, I'm starving" he loosened his tie a bit, before grabbing a plate
I let him get his dinner first, so I could fix my own plate after him, but the first thing he did after putting food on a plate, was hand it to me.
"Oh- thank you, Kevvy"
"You made us dinner, the literal least I can do is serve it for you"
"It's very sweet.."
"Hardly. Did anything interesting happen today?"
"Not really. Our neighbor down the hall, Mrs. Crawford, she brought us some banana bread she'd made"
"Really?"
"Yeah! She said it was a late housewarming gift."
"She's so kind.. we should send her a thank you. I don't know, maybe some cookies?"
He leaned his hip against the counter, picking up the fork
"That's a great idea! Also, sit down, you have nowhere to be"
He nodded and sat himself down at the counter. I sat across from him.
"...you look cute tonight" Kevin smirked
"Thank youuu" I giggled
"..do you want to go out tonight?"
"And do what?"
"I don't know. I just don't want to be inside tonight.. feeling antsy"
"Yeah. What if we headed to the movies tonight? They've got some new stuff"
"That'd be great. Their movies are at around eight, right?"
"Yeah! What do you want to see?"
"I'll see anything, really.. I just want to go out with you" he smiled
"...you're in such a good mood lately. Are you happy or are you just on uppers?" I teased
"I'm happy! I have a good job... a great husband.. I have a good life. I'm quite lucky." He smirked
"Awh... you're sweet. I'm happy too, you know.."
"You are?"
I nodded
"I am.. I have you. And I'm loved. And frankly, that's all I need."
"..I love you" he smiled
"I love you too. Let's finish dinner, we need to leave in thirty minutes."
"Okay, Okay!" He giggled
Kevin got changed after dinner, into something more suitable for the movie theater. He ended up just throwing on a flannel jacket over his white undershirt, and a pair of jeans.
"Holy smokes, you look so cute.. why don't you wear that like every day?"
"I can't wear a shirt and jeans to work"
"But you look so good in it!" I justified
"Get to the car, loser" he rolled his eyes, opening the door of our apartment for us.
We drove down into town and went to a movie. We hadn't been the a movie in ages, it was quite fun. There were only a few other people there, down in the front, so we sat in the back. We shared a popcorn, and it was dark enough that we could lean on each other and hold hands the entire time, without drawing any attention. It's not like it was outright dangerous, but ever since the incident at Kevin's grandfather's house, we've learned to be more cautious. I wish it was something we didn't have to do. It's upsetting that it is. But we have to be careful. Not everyone is as fond of us as we are of them.
But this was a nice break. A break from the worry.
Before any assumptions are made; no, I did not lie to my husband. I am a happy man. But being happy and being worried are not mutually exclusive.
You have to be careful. I know that now. And I can only imagine what would have happened if someone had caught Kevin and I, that first night at his grandfather's house. I thank god that I never had to find out.
"Kevvy" I whispered in his ear, just loud enough that he could he me over the movie
He turned his head to me
'I love you' I mouthed, visible in the weak light from the movie screen.
'I love you too' he imitated back
I could feel my heart flutter. Every time the man says something sweet, it's like my heart is doing flips
Not even exclusively when he says something sweet to me. When he smiles. When he gives me certain looks. Everything the boy does makes my heart feel as if it could just burst.
He's just perfect.
I want to just shout from the rooftops about him. But I can't even tell potential employers. I have to keep this indescribable, unimaginable love I feel for him a secret to most. It's frustrating. I love just about everyone I meet. Unless they give me clear reason not to, I love every stranger and friend. But, not everyone loves me as much as I love them. It's dispiriting. I just want to love and be loved. I'm human. That's what everyone wants. But some people don't want any love, or even kindness from people like me.
But I am who I am. I am a man full of love. And optimism. And I love Kevin Price. And who I am is not defined by the fact that the person I love happens to be a man.
But that's all some people will ever see me as.
Kevin continued to make eyes at me through the duration of the movie. Smiling at me. Rubbing my arm.
He didn't pay full attention to the movie. He payed attention to me. He didn't seem very interested in the movie after a while. He seemed far more interested in me.
"Kevin, what are you doing?" I giggled as he continued to stare
"Just looking at ya.."
"Come on, baby, watch the movie. We didn't pay twelve dollars to watch each other." i chuckled
"I wanna watch you instead.. you're cute"
Rolling my eyes, I popped a kiss on his forehead, before turning my attention back to the screen.
Kevin; in either boredom, jealousy, or frustration, slowly put his lips to my neck, making me jump at first.
"Kevin.." I whispered
"Hmm?"
"We're in public, we shouldn't be doing this"
"Other couples do it all the time.." he whined "we're just kissing."
"We're not 'other couples'. We might get in trouble"
"I'll be damned if I'll let anyone hurt you. They'll have to go through me before you. They wouldn't get to you in a thousand years.. you don't have to worry about being hurt, you can kiss me."
"Well, I don't want you to get hurt either..."
"I'll be careful, I promise" he pouted, continuing to rub my arm
Frankly, I just cant resist his eyes. His eyes lure me in.
"Promise?"
"Promise"
He didn't give a moment's hesitation before kissing me with great force.
He spent quite a while kissing me, before he found himself getting a bit too forward with me, and stopped himself.
"See, wasn't that worth it?" He said, his face without outright emotion, but satisfaction clear in his eyes.
"...you're annoying" I chuckled, shaking my head in disapproval
"Incredibly."
"I'll admit, it was very much worth it."
"See.. we can be as affectionate as we want"
"Well, nobody can really see us, anyway.."
"Doesn't it seem just a little unfair that other couples can do just about anything, but if we kiss, we have to fear getting into a fight with someone?"
"Well, yeah, of course.. but it's just the way it is"
"You've got to stop thinking like that.. I love you so dearly, but you just accept things the way they are so easily.. I don't get how you can do that. I don't think I can let things like that go down without a fight.."
"You take action. You fight what's wrong and advocate for what's right. And that's a wonderful thing. I'm jealous of that. I just tend to.. take things the way they are.."
"You've always been that way. When your father was beating you half to death, you just accepted that abuse and violent treatment as the way it was. I don't want to see you feel stuck like that anymore. Like you don't have any say.. you do."
"I'm more afraid of it than you. I have a hard time standing up for myself. It took eighteen years for me to stand up to my father.."
"I know you don't have a lot of confidence in yourself and your abilities. I know you're afraid of fighting things. Anyone in your position would be. But you don't have to be. We can kiss. Maybe not in that city by my granddads house, but in our own. And if someone gets mad, that's on them. And if anyone tries to hurt you, i can say with confidence, they'll fucking regret it" Kevin chuckled, getting a slight smile on my face "i know we need to be careful. But that doesn't mean we have to be afraid.."
I couldn't help but just bury my head in Kevin's shoulder, and watch the rest of the movie from there. For entirety of what we had left of the movie, he pushed his fingers through my hair, gently twisting and tugging it, absentmindedly as he watched.
It felt very nice. I love when he plays with my hair. There's something very calming about it. It's just very serene, his hands in my hair.
I fell asleep, honestly. I was awoken by Kevin gently shaking my arm.
"Con.."
"Hmm?"
"You fell asleep.." he giggled
"Damn it."
"Let's get you home, sweetheart" he smirked, taking my hand to help me out of my seat.
We walked back out to the car, and Kevin drove me back to the apartment. I was exhausted, but it was a nice night.
We headed right to bed when we got home.
We locked our door, changed into pajamas and went right to bed.
Kevin opened the window in our bedroom, letting the cool air in. I could hear the muffled sounds of the cars, as well as the crickets outside. The sound of the cars driving down the road has become soothing to me. I've grown accustomed to it. It helps me sleep. Unless it's cars honking, it's nice. Especially the tires in the rain.
He got into bed, and pulled up the covers.
As I shut my eyes, I felt his hand run up my chest.
"Goodnight, Babydoll.." he mumbled
"Goodnight, Kev"
The next morning, I woke to Kevin, talking on his phone. He was pacing on the other side of the room, not wanting to wake me.
"Kevin.. who are you talking to?" I whispered
"My mom" he whispered back, covering the speaker of the phone so he could talk to me
"Why's she calling so early..?"
"It's really not that early. It's eight thirty..."
"I guess. Come back to bed"
"In a minute!" He giggled, before he spoke back into the phone "hey, mom? I've gotta run, Connor just woke up, and he's cranky" Kevin teased
"Heyyy!"
"I'm joking!... I'll call you again soon, okay? Alright. Will do. Love you. Bye"
He hung up the phone, raising an eyebrow at me.
"I'm tired and I want to snuggle with you"
Kevin smiled and got back into bed, letting me lay myself on top of him.
"Mom says hi." He said flatly, rubbing my back
"Tell her I say hi back. And that I love and miss her."
"Alright. She was wondering how you were doing"
"What'd you say?"
"I told her you were doing well. And that you've been trying to find a job.. and that you're just doing great. She's proud of you"
I smiled widely
"..really?"
"Yeah. We both are."
"I love you guys.."
"We love you too.."
"What did she have to say?"
"She was just checking in.. we forgot to call last week. She's been very insistent that we call every week." He chuckled
"I'll call her tonight.. I miss talking to her."
"She'll like that."
"Yeah.."
"We should get dressed soon, love.. we have places to be"
"I don't want to get up, I'd much rather stay here with you all day.."
"I would too... but we have to get up at some point. Rather sooner than later."
"I suppose.."
"I'll go and make breakfast.."
"I'll take a shower, I guess.."
"Alright. What do you want for breakfast?"
"Just some cereal. I'm not hungry yet."
"Alright"
He patted my back a couple of times, before I got off of him.
I got my clothes and a towel and took to the bathroom.
"..Kevin are we out of shampoo?" I called out from the bathroom
"..if there isn't any in the bathroom, we don't have any"
"..fantastic. Uhm, I'll just wait to wash my hair"
"I'll pick up some more shampoo today."
"Thanks. And my razor's dull, you can't shave for shit with this. Can I borrow yours? The one in the left drawer?"
"The red one?"
"Yes"
"I wouldn't.."
"Why not? ....oh- Kevin!!!"
I could hear Kevin laugh from the next room.
"At least I told you not to use it!! I could have just let you use it to shave your face, with absolutely no warning. It could've been worse, Connor."
"You're so gross."
"Yeah" he chuckled
"Don't you have a face razor?"
"Yeah. Back of the drawer."
"Thank you"
A few minutes later, I exited the bathroom with a freshly shaven face.
"Hey, handsome!!" Kevin greeted as I walked into the living room
"Hey" I blushed slightly, looking down
"What kind of cereal did you want again?"
"Corn flakes are fine, thanks"
"Alright. Feeling okay this morning?"
"Yeah. Just tired."
"Ah. I'm sorry.. do you want some coffee or.. something?"
"No thanks, I'm alright"
He handed me my cereal, which was filled to the brim of the small bowl.
Sometimes certain sounds and smells remind me of certain events in my life. The sound of trains will forever remind me of my grandfather. He loved trains. He'd watch documentaries about them whenever he got the chance.
The scent of some alcohols reminds me of my father. Some I've become acquainted with. But cheap beers will always send me back to unpleasant memories.
A lot of things bring me back to a bad time.
Once when I was a child, I accidentally spilled a glass of milk. I'd filled too high, and I spilt it on the carpet.
It ended poorly.
I suppose it was a good lesson, though. I'm always careful now. I'm too afraid of spilling it again. I can't afford to spill it.
"Why'd you fill it so high..?"
"I didn't mean to, sorry."
"If I spill it, it's not my fault, okay?"
"Okay. It's really not a big deal."
Perhaps it's not. But I will forever have that fear instilled in me.
It is a big deal. I'm never going to be able to fully leave my past behind. But I'm doing well. And that's all I can ask for. That I'm happy in my life.
And it's not like I'm afraid he'll hit me. Kevin would never hit me. But my mind just goes back to that dark place, and I'm trapped in the memory. Forced to relieve every second.
That's been happening more often, lately. Luckily, when nobody's around. Nobody's there to watch as I stare ahead and shake, my eyes wide as I am forced into this trance of memory.
I was able to get my bowl of cereal off the table without spilling anything. Thank god. Think what a meltdown that would have been. Pathetic, really.
"I did it!!" I cheered
"Unbelievable!! Talent, right there"
"Truly. Do you have to go to work today?"
"I do. But I get off early, so I'll be home to make us a nice dinner. We can stay in and listen to some music, it'll be nice."
"That does sound nice."
"Great! I'll go to the store on my way home."
"I'll miss you"
"I'll miss you too... I need to run"
"Have a good day! Give me a kiss first!"
He smiled and hustled around the counter to give me a kiss, before grabbing his keys and heading out the door.
I didn't have an incredibly eventful day. I went to the post office, went out and got myself a smoothie. Just small things like that. I ended up getting antsy. Like I had to do something. That happens sometimes. If I forget to take my medicine one night, the next day it's like my whole body is shaking. I have to do something, but nothing satisfies the need. It's almost painful. It drives me crazy, there's not much I can do but just pace around until it's over. But that wasn't working.
What does Kevin do when he's anxious? Sometime's he'll work out. I can't do that. And now's not the best time to start. Other times, he'll smoke.
In a moment of desperation, I went through Kevin's drawers until I found his package of cigarettes. His lighter was nowhere to be found.
I went back to the kitchen and grabbed the matches off the top of the refrigerator, and struck one.
I lit my cigarette with the match, shaking it to put out the flame.
I had to smoke out the window. I didn't want the apartment to smell like cigarettes.
It did help a little. I haven't had one in a long time, and even then, I'd just have one every now and then, when offered. But it did calm me a bit. It felt a little better. I was still nervous and annoyed, but less so. I can bear it. It doesn't feel like I'm going to explode. I didn't smoke the whole thing. My lungs would probably give out if i did. I've always had weak and overall sensitive lungs. I can hardly run for thirty seconds without losing my breath.
Perhaps it's something to do with my father. The way he'd step down on my chest to keep me on the ground couldn't have been good for me. Sometimes he'd hold his foot down with all his weight, until I was close to losing consciousness.
In any case, my lungs aren't the greatest.
I kept every window open, to air out any smoke smell that may be in our apartment.
Kevin got home a few hours earlier than usual that evening, which was really nice. By that time, I had still not calmed down completely. In fact, it may have gotten a little worse, just from the worry about keeping the cigarette a secret. I don't want him to be disappointed with me. I feel he may, if he finds out. I was jumpier now than I would been before.
"Connor, I'm home!"
"Hi!" I shouted from the bedroom, rushing to the living room
"Hey. I brought home some groceries." He smiled
"Great!"
"How was your day?"
"It was fine. Uneventful, but it was fine, I really didn't do much, I was a little bored, I really think I should start that job soon" I nodded, rushing through my sentences.
"..yeah... well, I'm always happy to help you look. I mean the most important thing in a job is that you're comfortable there."
He seemed taken aback, but ignored it for the time being.
"That'll be great, I'm really worried that I won't be able to find anything and I'll be jobless or miserable the rest of my life which would suck I don't want to put all the financial burdens on you forever but I'm honestly terrified! I know I could find a great job and be totally happy, but I could also get stuck in some dead end job that I despise and the only way to get out is to just wait until retirement or death, whichever comes first, which doesn't sound ideal, it sounds like a nightmare and I'm not quite ready to be living a nightmare, I'm really not, and I don't think-"
"Hey, slow down..take a breath, okay?" He said, putting his hands on my shoulders.
I quickly nodded, just shutting my mouth.
"You don't need to rush into any jobs. You should find one you'll enjoy. We're secure for the foreseeable future, and you don't have to rush. Take your time."
I nodded, knowing if I talk, I'll just ramble more.
"Alright. I'm going to put some dinner on the stove, would you like to help, or would you like to just go take a breather?"
"Either is fine, I'm fine, I'm just nervous, who wouldn't be, really? I don't think anyone would be calm anyway, I think most people would be freaking out at this point, I think I'm handling it well, Really! I'm just worried, but that's normal, everyone gets worried, I'm doing a good job of not getting too worried, don't you think? I'm doing good, I am, really, Life is scary, and I'm not freaking out, which is important, I don't want to be freaking out, nobody wants to be freaking out, least of all me, so it's a good thing that I'm doing so well, don't you think? I do."
I spoke through that spiel so quickly, you'd expect me to have stumbled a half dozen times, but frankly, I was going too fast to even stumble.
"...are you okay?"
"Yes, I just said I'm great, why wouldn't I be? I'm perfectly fine, I don't see why you would think otherwise, I'm doing great, I'm just a little tired, is all. Everyone gets tired, it's not unusual, I don't see why I wouldn't be okay"
"...you're acting strange. I'm worried about you"
"Look, I'm fine, I'm just jittery, I forgot to take my medication last night, that's probably it, that's always it, I've been like this all day, it's just nerves, it's gotta be"
"It wasn't this bad last time..."
"I don't know, Kevin!"
"Woah.." he looked kind of hurt that I raised my voice.
"Sorry. Sorry. I'm just freaked out, I have so much anxious energy, it's driving me crazy, I hate it, I need to calm down, but I can't!"
"Hey, Just breathe-"
"I-I'm going to go take a walk"
"Could I come with you?"
"I want to go alone"
"Are you sure-"
"I want to go alone"
I still have his cigarettes in my jacket pocket. I'll just take a walk around the block and try another cigarette. It's gotta help. It seems to help Kevin to no end.
Perhaps if If doesn't work, I can just drink myself to death.
I chuckled slightly at my own thoughts, as I got far enough from the building that I could light one, without being seen.
I don't think I'd ever start drinking. Well, I drink every now again, of course. But, It's not habitual. I don't do it to curb anything. I don't do it to change my emotions or anything. Just casual social drinking, or just a glass because I like the taste. But that's the fullest extent. I never want to end up like my father. I'd sooner off myself than end up like him.
I took my time on the walk. I wanted to just relax.
I was still jittery and irritable when I got home, but less so than before. I was more relieved than anxious.
"I'm home.." I sighed, Shutting the door behind me
"Hey.. are you feeling alright?"
"Better. I'm still feeling shitty.."
"I'm sorry.. did you have a nice walk?"
"Yeah.." i sat down next to him on the couch, letting out a huff
"......You know, I can't find my cigarettes.."
"Oh.."
"Yeah.. Connor, you smell like cigarettes.."
He knows. He obviously knows. He's just trying to get me to tell him the truth.
"I-I.."
"Connor, you don't have to be nervous, I'm not upset, I'd have to be a hypocrite to be upset, but I'm concerned.."
"I just needed to have a few, I've been so stressed out and anxious all day, and it kind of helped!! They always help you, I needed to try, It was driving me crazy.."
I immediately felt sick from guilt. I was on the verge of tears. In all fairness, I'd been on the edge of crying all day. This was just when I finally broke down. I looked down and away from him so I could hide my face. I didn't want him to see me crying over this.
"Connor, it's okay.. come here.."
He gently urged me into his arms, which I accepted without hesitation.
"T-Take them back, I hate this, I didn't mean to worry you, I just wanted to calm down..!"
I reached into my pocket and took out the package of cigarettes, tossing it on the ground. I buried my face in his neck, my arms now over his shoulders, bent behind his neck.
"Don't be upset, okay? It's really not a big deal.. you could have called me, you know.. we could've talked, I know you like to call.. I like it too, I like to know how you're doing.. I want to know you're okay. If you're having a hard time, I want to help you.. You don't have to be nervous.."
"I'm sorry.."
"Don't be sorry, Sunshine.. you've done nothing wrong, it's really not a big deal. But if you're having a difficult time, you can always talk to me.. I just want you to be happy. More than anything else. And smoking is such a hard habit to drop, baby, I really wish you would've talked to me. That stash is the only thing that's helping me quit, knowing I have it in case of an emergency.. that's the only way I can do it.. it's such an awful habit, I really don't want you to pick it up the way I did, and years later, still not be able to drop it no matter how badly I want to.. I don't want you to have to be in that position.. it's fucking rough, and I don't want to see you feel that way.. I feel awful just thinking that this might end up hard for you.."
"I don't want to be a smoker, or anything, I just.. I see how quickly it calms you down, I-I needed to try.. I don't think I wanna do it again.."
"Okay. I'm glad you've calmed down, and.. I'm very glad you don't want to keep smoking." He scoffed slightly at the end
"Yeah.."
"Just come to me next time. I'm your husband. I care about you. Whatever it is, I won't be mad.. Just please don't be afraid to talk to me. I'm your husband, not your parent, you don't have to worry about that. I may have an instinct to take care of you, but you can always talk to me. That's what husbands are for, right?"
"You're right.."
"Why are you so afraid of me being mad? I'm never mad at you."
"I-I don't know.. my mother and father were always mad at me! No matter what I did.. You're my favorite person in the world, I don't want to disappoint you too..! Besides, I'm just.. terrified of people being mad at me. It's always lead to being abandoned or beaten..."
"Baby.. Nothing is ever bad enough that you can't come to me with it. I won't be mad. And you shouldn't kill yourself constantly over needing to 'not let me down'. you've never let me down... I hate that you feel that way.. I just wish I could somehow get all that horrible shit your father instilled into your head, out.. you deserve so much better than that."
"..fuck him. Fuck my father. Fuck all he left me to deal with. Fuck everything he's done to me. It's like I just can't let go. Like he's still here, telling me how worthless I am, what to do, threatening me.. it's like I'm fucking trapped with him forever. Even though he's far away, everything he's said and done is still with me. It fucks up my life. It fucks up everything. Fuck him."
Kevin continued to rub my back, only letting out a sigh.
A lot of the things my father has done have stuck with me so long, I don't even notice them coming out. I don't leave anything uncleaned. Even for a few hours. Once it's used or dirtied, it gets cleaned again. I don't tell people things. I just hide everything to myself and I don't even realize, until I hurt myself or someone else with it. I'll never be the same. I'll never be normal. I'll never be the way I would have been without all of that abuse. And that's just something I have to accept. That try as I might, I can never leave behind my past.
-
-
-
I felt much better in the following days. Likely because I'd taken my medication. It still set me back. I'm worried about if I'm going to ever be truly stable.
We've only been here a few months, but Kevin already had close friends. I'd only made acquaintances. It came time that one of Kevin's closest friends needed us to babysit.
He's so friendly, he makes lifelong friends in a matter of minutes. I'm weird around people sometimes. But Kevin's friend, Mark, brought over his baby for the evening. He wanted to go To a concert with his wife. He moved here fairly recently as well. And he doesn't have any family here.
The baby would only be with us until around nine.
I've never taken care of a baby before. Kevin has, so luckily, I could learn from the best.
The kid was nearly two years old. He was a good kid too, from the looks of it. He hardly even cried once.
It was a long night, I must say. Kevin and I had to pay attention to the kid constantly. That's what you do with kids. But it wasn't so bad. Kids are fun to have around.
Kevin was a great babysitter. He used to babysit when he was younger. And he did briefly to make more money when we got our first apartment.
Kevin will make a great father one day. A truly fantastic one. He's just so loving and nurturing by nature. He manages to understand what the kid needs, even though he can't fully vocalize it. He just knows. He's done the same for me, countless times. And he's so good with children. He's got such a soft spot for kids. He's just fantastic with kids.
Our only slight trouble that long evening was trying to put the baby to bed. He just did not want to sleep. Who can blame him. There's so much in the world that's new to him. He doesn't want to miss it.
We tried for quite a while to get him to sleep in his little collapsable crib that was brought with him, but he was fully opposed. I was finally starting to get stressed out.
"He needs to sleep, what if we can't get him to sleep!? Babies need to sleep, everyone does, but especially children!!"
"Hey, it's alright. He's probably just weird about sleeping in new places. A lot of kids are. He'll fall asleep eventually, we just need to distract him a little.."
"...you're really good at this"
"You're doing a great job. Just don't get too worried, okay?"
"Okay.."
"He's met me before.. maybe you should leave the room for a couple of minutes, I can probably get him to sleep. He knows me just a little better.."
"Alright. Good luck."
I gave him a pat on the shoulder, before exiting to the living room.
I spent a minute or two in the living room, hearing the occasional mumble from the other room, before I could hear what sounded like a song.
Quietly, I got up from the couch, looking into the bedroom, where I could see Kevin slowly walking around the room, swaying a bit. He sang a gentle, quiet song that I was unable to recognize, as he rhythmically patted the child's back. He will do that with our child one day.
I don't know who looked as if he would fall asleep sooner, Kevin or the baby.
Once he finally got the baby to sleep, he gently put him back down in the crib. I stood just behind the doorway, my head tilted against the frame as he walked out of the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind him.
"..hey" I smiled
"Hey.. he's asleep" Kevin chuckled
"Yeah.."
"What're you smiling for?" He whispered
"..I'm happy."
"Why?"
"..you're going to be such a good dad."
"You think so..?"
"I do. You're so good with kids.. I love watching you, it warms my heart..."
"I've been taking care of kids as long as I can remember. I have a knack for it.."
He brought us back over to the couch, so we wouldn't have to speak quite as quietly
"You're going to be such a good father.."
"I hope so.. I-If I ever failed as a father, I think my heart would just break..."
"Me too.. but I guess that's a good thing.. means we care."
"Yeah.. I want so badly to have a family with you, Connor..."
"I do too.. I want that. So badly. Do you... do you think I'll ever be completely stable and.. in the present, or will I just have breakdowns in front of our future children for the rest of my life?"
"Connor, I really can't say. I'm not a mental health professional. But, just by knowing you.. you are stronger than most. And though you've had a rough life, I think you're going to do a a better job moving past it than most people would.. you have done a better job moving past it than most people would. I don't know if anyone would ever be completely the same. But you're so strong. You can move past some of it, I think. With time, among other things. I think you're still going to have incidents sometimes, I don't think those are just going to eliminate themselves completely. But fewer and farther apart. You're determined. I can easily see you going places and moving forward. But I don't think you can expect yourself or put pressure on yourself to just one day, never have a problem. I don't think that's fair to yourself, or realistic for.. anyone."
".. If I break a dish, I start panicking. I wake up at night, screaming sometimes. I don't want to have meltdowns in front of our kid..
"One day, you won't stress the minor things like that so much. There are plenty of people with mental illness that have families.. it's not uncommon. People in situations like yours aren't unfit to have children. It can be an added struggle sometimes, but.. It's not impossible."
"..you're very good at this." I smiled softly, leaning over against him, me head against his shoulder
"I have a talent for talking" he joked
"I'm serious.. you always know how to make me feel better."
"I'm glad I can make you feel better.."
I masked a yawn, trying not to display how tired I was already.
"...Sing that song" I finally said
"What song?"
"The one you just sang for the child.. it was a very pretty song.."
"It's in Hebrew. I know absolutely no Hebrew except for that song.. one of my uncles.. removed by who knows how many.. he taught me that song as a child. I don't know what most of the words mean, but I know the words."
"That's really cool.."
"Yeah, kinda"
"Will you sing it for me?"
"Are you sure you want that? Out of all the songs in the world, it's that one you choose?"
"Yes."
"...fine."
I shut my eyes and listened as he began to sing the song. It was pretty. I began to fall asleep. Just before I did, Kevin woke me up.
"Con..?"
"Huh..?"
"Don't fall asleep. Doll.. his dad will be here soon."
"I'm sorry.. I'm really tired. Long day." I sighed
"I know. We can go to bed soon.."
I sat up, forcing myself awake.
"You did a great job tonight.."
"I don't think so.. you make it look so easy"
"It's not easy. But you're very good. You're a natural. You've just.. not been around small children. Like.. ever. You did a swell job. You'll make a great father."
Few things could have made me happier than that statement.
"...You really think so?" I grinned
"I really do."
That was the best thing I could have possibly been told.
I fear few things more than turning out like my father. It's terrifying to me. I was lucky enough that I adjusted to it well enough. Well... not exactly 'well' but it could've been worse. I may have suffered trauma from life with my father, but I am not angry. That's what I mean. I'm lucky enough that living through that has made me a gentler man. A lot of kids end up acting in a similar fashion to their abusers. They express themselves through violence. And it's not their fault. But I'm so grateful to have turned out the way I did. I may be fearful forever. I may always have nightmares and panic attacks among other things, but I am not angry. And I'm so lucky to be that way.
"What're you thinking about..?" Kevin smirked, noticing I had been distracted for a bit
"Nothing.."
"You're smiling.."
"Yeah.. so?"
"Nothing, I just... I like seeing you smile."
"You make me smile.."
"Good. I swear, that smile just makes me so happy.. i'd look at you all day.. your stunning smile."
"Kev.." I blushed
"Alright, I'll stop.. you just have a wonderful smile."
"Thank you.."
"Makes me happy, that smile.. always makes me feel.. good. Like a warm feeling in my stomach.. you're cute."
"Kevin..."
"Sorry.. you're real handsome. I want to kiss you."
"Then kiss me."
"There's a child in our room.."
"And?"
"I want to... kiss you. Hardcore kiss" He chuckled "If I start even a small kiss right now, I wouldn't be able to stop myself. And if there's a child in the next room, I must stop myself. It's less troublesome if I don't kiss you at all."
"Well, I want you to kiss me.. it doesn't have to be some intense make-out session of the century, but I still want a kiss."
He complied, kissing me for only a few seconds. He ended up continuing to leave pecks on my cheek and neck, but stopped there. Though, he continued doing that until we heard a knock on our door.
"Place your bets now, is it his father or a burglar" i said
"I'm gonna go with 'it's his dad' Kevin chuckled in response, getting up off the couch.
He opened the door for the father
"Hey, man! He's asleep, pardon my whisper. How was your night?"
"It was great. Thank you guys for taking care of Ben, really, I appreciate it."
"It was no problem"
"He's a great kid.." I chimed in
"Thanks.. did you have any trouble with him?"
"No, he was fantastic. He had a little trouble falling asleep, but once he fell asleep, he was fine."
"Great. Thank you so much again"
"It was really no trouble at all. He's got his crib set up in our room, if you're ready to go"
Kevin led him to our room, where the baby was sleeping. Though, he was soon awoken by the presence of his father.
I've rarely seen two people so happy to see each other. It was incredibly sweet. I don't think my dad was ever that glad to see me. Even when he still liked me.
He brought his baby back home, after he tried to pay us for babysitting. We refused to accept any money. He was a good friend of Kevin's now, and we greatly enjoyed babysitting. We just couldn't accept. He fought us hard on it, but eventually gave in.
After they left, our house felt rather empty. It felt very right to have a kid there. It felt complete.
We had a lot to think about, but Kevin threw it all to the wind, doing not much other than finally giving me the kiss he'd been going on about.
He was right, it was well worth the wait. And just like he said, it did escalate quickly. We didn't let it go too far, though. We were both pretty tired.
We fell asleep earlier that night than we thought we would've. On the couch, of all places. The bottom of my shirt was pushed up over my stomach, the rest in place.
Kevin was underneath me, the top four buttons of his shirt undone.
I wish you could force your brain to remember a certain image. To keep it forever. Photographs get lost. I wish I could just store certain scenes in my mind for as long as I wanted. Though, if I could do that, I think I'd remember just about every day. Even the hard ones are good recently. Even the bad days have good, with him in them. I want to remember each second of the happiness he's brought into my life. Heck, I want to remember each smile I've seen from him. He's so handsome. All he's been through, you couldn't tell from looking at him. Or even talking to him. The only way you'd know is if he explicitly told you. He's just so... happy. Endlessly optimistic.
He's the happiest guy in the universe, despite all his hardships. I wish I possessed that same trait.
I'm an optimistic guy, yes. Generally happy. But, I've been told that there's a sadness about me. That my eyes hold darkness. You can tell I've seen terrible things.
I don't want that. I don't want people to just be able to look at me and see my past. I don't want my past to force its way into my current life. I don't want it to show. But according to others, it does.
The way my life turned out isn't entirely negative.
If it weren't for my past, I wouldn't be who I am. Because of the way I lived, I am grateful. I have a gratitude for so many little things, that I wouldn't, if I had a normal, healthy childhood. I feel so lucky to have a place to live. I'll never sleep in the rain again. I am grateful to still be alive. It's a miracle, frankly. I love harder than I ever would have. I wasn't really someone who experienced love, but now that I feel it from others and towards others, it completely consumes me. I think about it all the time. It's such an incredible thing, love. And I'm surrounded with it. I'm grateful to be safe. I don't have people hurting me, or out to hurt me.
I am in no way thankful to have been treated the way I was. But, I do not resent God for putting my life on that track. I came out the other end stronger, happier, and loved. And that's a wonderful thing.
I just wish my eyes showed that, instead. I wish they showed my gratitude. Kevin says when I'm excited, my eyes get big, and they just have this sparkle..but they aren't like that all the time. I just don't want people to look at me and feel anything other than complete neutrality, or at best, positivity. Instead, they look at me and feel pity. Or unease.
I'm not a frightening man, nor do I have a frightening appearance. It's the said "darkness held in my eyes" that drives people to turn away. Even when I'm truly happy, they just see through to the sadness of who I used to be. Perhaps somewhere deep inside, I am broken in some way. But, I don't want people to think they know me because of that. And I don't want people to make any judgement on me because of it. Whatever is damaged, can one day heal, I'm sure of it. So much has gotten better; that will too. It's just taken longer than the rest. But it is not who I am. Despite what is hurt, I am still me. I am still happy. I am still loved and I am still loving. I am still unbelievably grateful for my life.
Healing just takes time.