The room was lit by one lamp on the bedside table, leaving most of the room difficult to see. But I could see him. Which was all I needed. His hands crept up my body, giving me a sense of safety.
"Connor, I adore you..." he whispered
"I adore you too."
We kept our faces close, just as we had the entire time leading up to this moment.
"I'm so glad I have you.. I can't believe you're mine.." i muttered
"I'm yours. All yours."
"All mine?"
"All yours, baby.."
I smiled, my hands working up his body. It didn't take long for me to grasp his hair again, tugging it, and watching his eyes flutter slightly
"You said you didn't want to do it too much..." he chuckled
"I just like watching your face..."
"Is it a good face?"
"A wonderful face. I love it. I love the face you make... And I love the sounds you make."
"Stop.." he blushed
"I wanna hear them again.."
"I'm too sleepy" he giggled, moving down, and rubbing his face against my chest
"I wore you out that much?" I let out a breathy chuckle
He nodded
"Are you alright?"
"Oh, I'm just fine... just a little tired"
"Okay. Good. Was I gentle enough?"
"Babe, you were perfect. Okay?" He assured me, leaving a kiss on my lips.
"Okay. Good. I just don't want to be too rough with you.. I love you. I don't want to hurt you."
"It's okay. I'm tough enough.." he joked
"I know. I still want to be careful. You're my angel. I don't want to hurt my angel."
"Baby. It's okay. You didn't hurt me. I'm just tired."
"Sorry, I'm just... I don't know. Sorry. Good. I love you."
"I love you too. Now come on and give me a kiss."
"It'd be my honor, sir" i chuckled, climbing in top of him, planting a kiss on his lips.
I ended up giving him several kisses. One after the other, until he broke out in tired laughter.
"Baby..." he giggled "stop it..!"
"I thought you wanted a kiss, darling" i said, smirking slightly.
"Oh, come on!"
Our laughter was interrupted by the ringing of my phone.
"Aw, heck.. I've gotta take this." I huffed
"Go ahead."
I rolled over to the other side of the bed, picking up the phone.
"Hello..?" I answered, my hand on Kevin's stomach.
"Hi, Connor. It's grandma. Grandma Merrill."
"Oh.. hi, grammy."
I hadn't spoken to my grandmother on my mother's side for years. I haven't spoken to anyone on my mother's side in ages.
I was never close with them. My father's side, yes. I was incredibly close with them until they passed. But, never my mother's side.
She went on to speak about her birthday, and invited me over to visit her. Over in Salt Lake.
"But... I uh... I live in Connecticut."
"I know. I'll pay. But I haven't seen you since you were six! I want to talk to you!"
"Um... I..."
"Well, there's a plane ticket in the mail. It should get there tomorrow. I sent you all the information about it along with the ticket, and I'll see you then!"
"Grammy, I don't-"
"I've gotta run, but I'll see you then! Goodnight!"
"Good night..."
She hung up, leaving me with nothing else to say.
"Who was that?" Kevin asked
"My grandma. My mother's side. She wants me to come visit her. In Salt Lake City.."
"How long?"
"Well, I'd be there for at least a week.. maybe two."
"I don't want to be without ya that long.."
"Me neither... but this may be her last birthday.. she's turning eighty six"
"...Could I come with you?"
"I don't think so.. my mother's side is even more religious than my father's side... they were just plain Christian. But my mother's side is LDS. she doesn't know about us."
"You've kept it from her?"
"My mother didn't even know about us. She left before we started really dating. I haven't spoken to her in forever.."
"How would she take it..?"
"I don't think I should tell her.."
"So, I... can't go with you?"
"No.. I don't think so. I'm sorry.."
"And you should go?"
"I think I have to..."
"...alright."
"..if you don't want me to go, I won't.."
"No. You should go.."
"You think so?"
"I think so..."
"I don't want to be away from you for that long.."
"I can text you whenever. And i can call you whenever you want. And i figured out how to use video, so I can talk to you whenever you want.."
"You really think I should go?"
"You should go. See your grandmother."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
-
-
-
"I don't want to leave you..." I mumbled, as we pulled up at the airport
"You'll be just fine. Okay? I love you."
"I love you too"
He helped me to through everything in the airport, walking me to the gate, and taking both my hands.
"I'll see you soon, alright, kiddo?"
"Don't call me kiddo, call me baby.." I giggled softly
"Alright, Baby?" He corrected
"Alright.."
"Call me when you land so I know you got there safe, okay?"
"Okay. I will."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Good boy.."
"I need to board..."
"Okay. Get on the plane. I'll see you in ten days."
"Okay.. I'm gonna miss you."
"I'm gonna miss you too.."
"Alright... goodbye, sweetheart."
"Goodbye."
He wrapped me in a tight hug, giving me a quick kiss, before I headed onto the plane.
The plane ride was around five hours. I landed in Salt Lake, met by my grandmother in the airport.
"Hey, grammy.." I greeted her with a hug
"Hi, Connor! How was the plane?"
"It was fine. Do you mind if I call somebody really quick? I promised I'd call them so they knew I got here safely..."
"Of course. A girlfriend?"
"Yeah.. something like that." I mumbled, taking out my phone.
Kevin picked up after a few rings.
"Hey! Did you land?"
"Yes! I landed. I'm in the airport now."
"Good. How was your flight?"
"The flight was fine."
"Only fine?"
"Nothing special.."
"I miss you already."
"Me too."
"Well, I should let you go.. I'm glad you got there safely. I'll talk to you soon, okay?"
"Okay."
"Love you. Bye."
"Bye."
The car ride to her house was around twenty minutes.
"So, Connor, how are you? It's been so long? How's your mom and dad?"
"...i'm good..... um... I haven't spoken to my parents in a while.."
"Well, why not?"
"Uh.... we didn't have a good relationship."
"What happened?"
"It's.. it's nothing.. mom left."
"When?"
"When I was around seventeen... she left a-and she didn't come back..."
"Well, what about your father?"
"He... He.... didn't treat me so well..."
I didn't really want to talk about it. I don't want to tell her what happened. But, as my grandmother, I suppose she has a right to know.
"He would... he would hit me. He'd push me into the wall.. he'd even punch me. Every day..."
"What..? Why?"
"I-I don't know. He just didn't like me... I remember waking up on the floor, with a-a broken bottle in my side. And blood..."
"Oh my gosh.. Are you okay?"
"I-I'm more than okay. I haven't seen him in years."
"Good. I'm glad.... so, you're okay now. Do you have a girlfriend? You were talking to someone on the phone.."
"Yeah. No, I don't have a girlfriend."
"Why not?"
"I just don't..."
"Okay. I hope you find one."
"Yeah.."
"Don't you want one?"
I shrugged.
"Well, why not?"
"I suppose i'm not the relationship type." I lied
"Well, you're still young. Maybe one day.."
"Maybe.."
"Are you hungry?"
"No, I'm alright."
"Tired?"
"A bit. But that's okay."
"You should take a nap!"
"No, no, it's alright."
"....have you been going to church?"
"No. But, I've been meaning to."
"You should go with me on Sunday."
"..yeah. I will."
"Oh, good!"
"...what time is it?"
"Six. We need to get you some dinner. Want to go out?"
"I-I don't care. I'm not very hungry."
"Why aren't you hungry?"
"I don't know."
"Have you eaten?"
"No."
"Let's get some food into you. Come on, let's go out."
"O-Okay.."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm just a little nervous..."
"How come?"
"...no reason."
Being a gay man back in Salt Lake is a bit nerve wracking. Especially when you've got painted nails and a slightly higher voice.
Frankly, I'm a bit surprised my grandmother hadn't figured it out.
I found it incredibly difficult to order my own food, but I was too embarrassed to ask her to order for me. She began asking me more questions as we ate.
"So, what do you do for work?"
"Uhm.. I don't work..."
"How do you live? And buy groceries?"
"My... roommate... works." I said, rolling up my sleeves, forgetting about the fading scars that I had on my arms.
It took her a bit to notice, but once she did, she immediately began asking about it.
"..what happened there?" She asked, pointing at my arm.
"Oh.. um.. nothing.."
I pulled my sleeves back down, despite how hot it was in the restaurant.
"What was it? Did you get into an accident?"
"No.."
I didn't want to tell the truth, but I refuse to lie about it.
"What happened?"
"...nothing happened. I just got hurt.."
"What was it?"
"I...got hurt."
"Are you sure you're okay? That looks bad-"
"I'm fine, grammy.."
"Okay.. sorry."
I was incredibly embarrassed. I wasn't comfortable with much of anyone seeing that. Even with Kevin, I was embarrassed for him to see.
"...I'm going to go to the bathroom now."
I got up, walking off to the bathroom, taking some time away. I was already worried she'd find out about the fact that I had a husband. And now I have to worry about this.
Dang it. dang it dang it dang it dang it.
I wanted to stay in there forever, and avoid the inevitable discussion. But I had to go back out there
I took a few minutes to calm myself from the anxiety, before walking back out, a small, forced smile on my face.
"Hi.."
"Hi, Connor. Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
"You seem distracted."
"I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
"I said I'm fine. So I'm fine."
"Are you upset?"
I shook my head. I wished Kevin was here. I miss him.
We ate our dinner in silence, driving home straight afterward.
As we got inside, I headed for the guest room, stopping outside of it.
"Hey, I think I'm going to call my friend and then just go to bed. I'm feeling tired."
"Okay.. goodnight."
"Goodnight. Thank you for dinner."
"Don't forget your bedtime prayers!"
"I won't." I very rarely forgot them. Only when Kevin and I had been cuddling, and fallen asleep on accident.
I turned on my computer, setting up the camera, and calling Kevin. I made sure to put my headphones in, so my grandmother wouldn't overhear anything Kevin said to me.
The first attempt failed, but after I texted Kevin, I found out he wasn't on his computer. He soon got on, and called me back.
"Hi!" He smiled as his face showed up on my screen
"Hey! I see you!"
"I see you too! How are you? How's the trip?"
"I'm alright. Miss you... and uh... she saw my arm."
"What'd she say..?"
"She asked if I was in an accident. I told her no and she kept asking if something happened and if I was okay.. i kept saying I was fine, but I ended up having to go to the bathroom and calm down.."
"She only cares about you.."
"I know. I just... the whole situation made me really nervous. And really upset. I wished you were there."
"I wish I was there too..."
".....I've been referring to you as my roommate.."
"Well, technically, I am your roommate as well as your husband.. so, not really a lie."
"Yeah.." I yawned
"Tired?"
"Yeah... but, I want to talk to you."
"I'll tell you what. We'll talk for ten more minutes, and then you've gotta go to bed. We both do. I have work tomorrow."
"Deal."
"Alright."
"So what have you been doing today? Anything fascinating?"
"I...watched a documentary on monkeys for like... two hours."
"What'd you learn?"
"I learned that a group of monkeys can be called a barrel or a troop..."
His eyes widened, a smile spreading across his face, only moments later.
"What?"
"..i just understood the whole "barrel of monkeys" thing... it's because they're called a barrel!!"
"You are way too excited about that" i giggled. It almost felt as if he was there with me.
"I just had a shocking revelation, Mister!"
"That, you did.."
"What else did you learn?"
"I learned that the documentary talks way too much about monkey genitals." He giggled
"Are you in our room?"
"Yeah. Our bed feels empty without you.."
"I bet.."
"...I miss you already."
"I miss you too... maybe I should come home early.."
"...I think I have an idea."
"What?"
"I come up Thursday. And i sleep in a hotel. And I can see see you."
"I don't know... I can't keep my hands off you. What if she notices?"
"I suppose that is a risk. I won't come if you don't want me to. But we could drive back home together."
"....do it."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah.."
"Well that means I won't get to talk to you until I see you.."
"Why?"
"I want you to be extra happy to see me. It'll only be three days."
"...one day. You talk to me before you leave, and you call me from the road."
"...two days. Final offer."
"......Fine. You drive a hard bargain."
"I do. But it'll all be worth it when I see you."
"I'd hope so. So you'll talk to me tomorrow?"
"Yes. And i'll text you when I get in on Thursday. I'll text you the hotel room and you can come see me.."
"Why can't you come see me?"
"Do you want us to get caught?"
"No."
"Then come see me."
"Alright.... I should probably go. I need to pray and go to bed."
"You're going to do your prayers? I-I could do them with you.."
"...yeah. That sounds good."
"Good."
I angled the camera down, so he could see me, on my knees, about to pray. He did the same. I clasped my hands together, shutting my eyes.
I thanked Heavenly Father for all he has blessed me with. For another day here on earth. And I asked that he help my mother and father. To help them understand. And to be better in the future. For them to live happy lives despite the way they treated me. We all deserve forgiveness. And it was time to give it to them.
My prayers took longer than usual, leaving Kevin to watch me pray, after he was done with his. Not that he minded. He just sat there, a slight smile on his face, as he watched me finish my prayer.
"..you should get some rest now, Sunshine...."
"You too."
"Goodnight, beautiful. I love you."
"Goodnight... I love you too." I whispered the last part, not wanting my grandmother to overhear.
I shut off the computer, before crawling back into bed. I pulled the covers up, turning off the light. It was immediately difficult to fall asleep.
I ended up cuddling a pillow for at least thirty minutes, before I fell asleep.
In usual, and unfortunate, Connor McKinley fashion, I had another nightmare. Well.. they're not exactly nightmares. They feel real, even when you've woken up. I kick and thrash and sometimes even yell in my sleep. And it's hard to wake me up. They're not night terrors, though. If they were, I wouldn't remember everything so vividly. It wouldn't take so long to fall back asleep.
I woke up kicking and shaking. I'd kicked all my sheets off the bed. I was crying inconsolably. I need Kevin here. I need to talk to him, before this turns into a panic attack. But he's not here.
I got up and ran to the bathroom, the farthest room from my nearly deaf grandmother's room, just to be safe. I dialed Kevin's number. He picked up on the fourth ring, sounding sleepy. I woke him. And he has work tomorrow. Dang it, Connor.
"Hello..?" He mumbled
"Kevin..! Oh gosh, Kevin, it was terrible!"
"What was terrible?"
"Kevin, there was so much blood.."
"Hey, slow down... what's happened?"
-
-
-
"Wait, so, this was all only a dream?"
"Yes."
"Connor, you scared me! I thought something awful had happened.. I thought you had gotten into an accident!"
"I-I'm so sorry, I just... It was s-so scary..! I-I've never seen anything like it.." I whimpered
"Hey, it's okay... try to calm down, okay?"
"O-Okay..."
I took a few deep breaths, before Kevin spoke again.
"Everything's okay... just keep breathing for me. I'm here."
"You're not here, you're in mother flipping Connecticut!" I whisper-shouted
"Connor."
"S-Sorry. You're in Connecticut. Not here."
"And I will be there soon. Okay? You can call me whenever you need. I take back the 'no phone call' policy. I didn't think you'd have your nightmares."
"Okay.."
"Okay. Just focus on your breathing. Everything's okay."
"Everything's okay..." I whispered to myself, while taking deep breaths.
"That's right... good job. It wasn't real. You're okay"
"Right.... Right."
"I'm going to leave tomorrow, okay?"
"Y-You have work.."
"You're more important. I'm leaving tomorrow. I'll get to see you on Wednesday, instead."
"...okay. Thank you.."
"Of course.. why don't you get back in bed? I'll keep talking. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. I don't want your grandma to hear."
"She's nearly deaf. She won't hear"
"Okay. Get back in bed. We'll talk until you fall asleep."
"Are you sure? You're gonna be on the road for goodness knows how long..."
"Thirty three hours. But I can sleep in traffic. And I can take a long nap when I get there."
"Baby, you need sleep..." I whispered, walking back into my room.
"I'm fine. I'm far more concerned about you.."
"Don't be.. I-I'll be fine. I just need to remember it was only a dream.... g-go to bed.."
"....go on your computer."
"Why?"
"I'll call you. We can see each other. That way we can both go to sleep, but it'll be like I'm there with you."
"...okay."
I turned on the computer, starting up to program, and calling Kevin.
"There's my handsome boy..." he said, as he hung up his phone, finally able to see me.
"Stop.." I whispered
"So pretty.. alright, how about we just start by laying down, okay? Just lay down."
I did as he said, laying on my back. He did the same.
"Okay, now listen.. everything is just fine. You're safe. None of it was real.. you're okay. Can you close your eyes? You can open them back up whenever you need. And you'll see me. Right here. Okay?"
"Okay..."
I shut my eyes, hugging the pillow.
"Good. Do you need me to talk?"
I nodded, though it was probably barely visible to Kevin.
"Okay.. I can't wait to see you.."
"Me too."
"Shh... if you talk, you won't fall asleep.."
" okay... goodnight."
"Goodnight."
He talked for a while, about mostly meaningless things. His plan to decrease the amount of time he'll spend on the road. More about that documentary he saw. More about how excited he was to see me.
I fell back asleep after around ten minutes of hearing his soothing voice.
I woke up to a blank screen, and a text reading
'On my way'
I got out of bed, praying for around a minute, before heading out into the house.
"Hey, Connor! How'd you sleep?" My grandmother asked
"I slept fine.. hey, uh, my friend's coming up to Salt Lake. He's going to stay in a hotel. I'm going to be staying with him every now and again, but I was wondering if it was alright for him to stay here for a night or two? He can sleep in the room with me."
"Why would he sleep in the room with you?"
"He just.. could. He could sleep on the floor. Or I could. Or I can just stay in the hotel with him."
"Why would you need to stay in the hotel with him?"
"Just... to hang out with him.."
"Why would you need to spend the night?"
"..I suppose I don't need to."
"You can. It's just a bit odd.."
"Thank you. He'll be here on Wednesday. I-I have plans to visit him at his hotel. He'll have two beds, so it's not like we'd sleep in the same bed..." i lied.
"Okay. Can I meet him?"
"Yes. I-I want you to meet him..."
"Okay. What's his name?"
"Kevin."
"How long have you known him?"
"Um, seven years. I didn't get to see him for around two years, as he went on a mission, but he's back."
"Where'd he go?"
"Uhh Scotland"
"How nice."
"Yes. I missed him, though he was my only friend."
"Why don't you have any other friends?"
"I just.. have a hard time making friends, really.."
"Huh.."
"....so, are you hungry? i could make some breakfast...."
"No, I'll make it. How's eggs?"
"Eggs are fine."
"Okay. I want to hear more about this friend before we meet."
Oh no. She knows, doesn't she? Did I somehow give it away? Was I too obvious?
"..O-Okay.."
She cooked us our breakfast in silence, only speaking on the matter while we were eating.
"So, this Kevin character.. he's been you roommate for around five years?"
"Yes."
"And you don't have a girlfriend?"
"No."
"Never had one?"
"No."
"Does Kevin have one?"
"No... living the bachelor life.." I chuckled, nervously.
"You seem anxious."
"..I'm fine."
"You're sweating."
"I-It's warm in here."
"..Connor, is there something you want to tell me?"
"...No."
"...okay."
"I...I... there's nothing going on, if that's what you're asking."
"I didn't ask anything.. are you confessing something to me?"
"No.."
"...okay."
I felt nauseous. Like I was going to puke.
I spent most of the day in 'my' room, reading, and watching movies. I didn't want to be around her.
Kevin texted me at around seven thirty on Wednesday, alerting me that he had arrived at his hotel.
"Oh, um, grammy! I'm going to visit Kevin! Uhhh is it alright if I bring him here to meet you?"
"Yeah."
"Alright! I'll be back within the hour.."
"Okay."
She was clearly suspicious. I guess I'll have to break the news soon.
I drove over to Kevin's hotel in my grandmother's car. I followed his instructions on which room to enter, on which floor, knocking on the door to his room.
"Come in! I'm in the bathroom! I'll be right out!" He replied, his voice muffled.
I entered his room, shutting the door behind me. I sat down on the edge of his bed, waiting. He came out about twenty seconds later, a wide smile on his face.
"Con!"
"Kevin!" I giggled, standing right up
"Ohh, I missed you!"
"I missed you too!"
"You look so handsome!"
"You're acting like you haven't seen me in ages!"
"It just feels like it's been forever.."
"I know. We were really far."
He kept me in a hug for around two minutes as we spoke, only letting go in order to see my face again.
"So, how's your grandma?"
"Good. I think she's catching on, though.."
"Oh no.."
"I just need to tell her... how about you spend tonight with me, and we stay in the hotel tomorrow?"
"Okay. When are you gonna tell her? Is she okay with me staying?"
"I-I'll tell her tomorrow. And she's okay with you being here."
"Okay."
"She wants to meet you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. She wants to see if you seem like the gay type, most likely."
"Darn. I shouldn't have shaved." He chuckled, rubbing my shoulder
"True."
" Should we go?"
"I was hoping to get some alone time with you.."
"Alright. That's fine."
"I wanted to talk a little. I missed you."
"Alright. Let's talk." He smiled, sitting back down on the bed. I sat next to him, setting my hand on his leg.
"...I'm afraid to tell her." I mumbled
"She's your grandmother.. she'll understand.."
"No, no, she may not. She's not a big fan of anyone who disobeys the church. And marrying you is against the church. And i-i had a premarital relationship with you!"
"It's okay.. that's okay. God knows we love each other."
"But She doesn't! And what if she doesn't understand? What if she doesn't know two men even can love each other?"
"We won't know until we try."
"....let's try."
"Okay. We're gonna try!"
"Yeah! Yeah, we'll try!"
"Alright! Alright, let's go"
"Let's go."
We drove over to my grandmothers house in the separate cars, needing a way to get back to his hotel
"Grammy! We're back!"
She walked right in, shaking Kevin's hand.
"Hello, Calvin"
Calvin? Why does everyone make that mistake? It's not like the way I'm saying it sounds like Calvin.
Now that I ponder on it, both people that called him that had brain and memory issues. So maybe that's why. But even then, the fact that they both call him Calvin is wild.
"No, his name is Kevin.." I corrected
"Kevin?"
"Kevin."
"Hi, Kevin."
"It's so nice to meet you. And happy early birthday!"
Kevin, you've gotta tone down the enthusiasm. Tone it down a bit.
"Thank you. You're Connor's roommate?"
"Roommate? .....um, i mean, yes. Yes, he's my roommate."
"And you served a mission?"
"I did! Two years in Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful. But I missed-"
I stopped him, nudging his shoulder
"....America. I-I missed America." He corrected
"Kevin, have you had dinner yet?"
"No, Ma'am."
"You should have some dinner. Maybe you can get Connor to eat some as well."
"He hasn't eaten?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"I'm just not hungry.." I mumbled
"Kevin, let me get you some of the pasta I made earlier.."
"Oh, thank you so much, that's so sweet."
As my grandmother walked into the kitchen, I pulled Kevin aside
"You need to tone it down." I whispered
"Tone what down? Con, I'm just being cheerful."
"I know, and typically I love that, but I need you to act straight in front of her."
"I'm not acting gay.."
"You need to act like... super straight. Like.. so straight you puke if you see another dude shirtless."
"I'll act more manly if you eat your dinner."
"....fine. Fine."
"Why aren't you eating?"
"I'm just... nervous."
"Everything's gonna be okay..." he assured me, running his hands through my hair, pull them away as quickly as he could when he heard footsteps nearing the living room.
"You boys ready? I'm heating it up again. Come on in."
"Okay.."
"Don't be so nervous." I whispered
"I'm sorry! You're nervous too!" He whispered back
"I know..!"
I let out a huff, walking into the kitchen.
We sat down at the table, eating in silence so that we wouldn't say the wrong thing and give ourselves away.
"The pasta was delicious, thank you" Kevin said to my grandmother as he finished.
"No problem. So how did you an Connor meet?"
"School."
"Ah. Why did you become roommates?"
"Well, I got an apartment. And I wanted to share it with someone. I couldn't afford one on my own. So I had him move in with me."
"Okay, um, I'm going to go to bed, I think. Kevin, you sleep in the bed, I'll sleep on the floor" i lied, pretending we won't be sleeping in the same bed. I gave him a subtle nudge
"Uh... right. Okay."
"Yeah. Let's get to bed. You've had a long drive."
"Yeah. Um, let's go."
We headed off to the bedroom, shutting the door behind us.
"Do you think we hid it well enough?" I immediately asked
"I sure hope so..."
"Me too. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow."
"Yeah. Come on, get to bed. We've both had long days."
"Okay. But just so we're clear, we're sleeping in the same bed."
"Obviously."
"Alright. Good. I really missed you. Our bed just felt so empty ..."
"Yeah. It felt weird sleeping without you."
"Yeah. Did you have any more of your nightmares?"
"No. Only one."
"Good." He smiled, sitting down on the bed
"Yeah. Can I have a kiss?"
He smiled, popping a kiss on my lips.
"No, I want a real kiss!"
"Shhh!"
"Sorry" I giggled "i just haven't gotten a real kiss from you in a while..."
He agreed, grasping my waist, kissing me softly. My arms slung around his neck, my head tilted slightly to the left.
"How was that? Was that a real kiss?"
"Yes." I smiled, kneeling down over the bed.
"Are you going to pray?"
"Yes. Aren't you?"
"Yes. Should we pray together?" He asked, taking off his jacket.
"That'd be nice." I nodded.
He knelt down next to me, clasping his hands together, and closing his eyes. I did the same. We were so deeply engaged in our prayers, that we didn't hear the door open.
He opened his eyes only seconds after me, turning to me.
"Oh, hey, wait, you have an eyelash.." he said, wiping it off my cheek with his thumb.
"Oh. Thank you."
He left a quick kiss on my cheek, just where he had taken the eyelash off. It put a wide smile on my face, which was quickly interrupted
"What's going on here?" My grandmother's voice echoed
I swiftly turned around, to find her standing in the doorway, her arms crossed.
"...what?"
"What's going on in here? Why did he just kiss you?"
".......Grandma, there's something I need to tell you ...Can we go sit in the living room for a moment?"
"We'll talk right here."
"Um... okay.... grandma, I'm not single. And I told you the truth when I said I've never had a girlfriend. But... Kevin isn't my roommate. He's my boyfriend. No, not my boyfriend... He's my husband."
"Your husband!?" Her eyes widened
"Uhm... yes. We've been together since we were seventeen."
"...Connor, you know what the doctrine says."
"I do. I do know that. But I love him. I love him very much.."
"...so, not only are you a liar, you're also gay?"
"I'm not a liar.."
"You lied to me. Many times."
"I'm sorry.. I was just.. I was scared.."
"I cannot support you on this. I think you need to leave."
"But, grammy, I-I'm not... I can't help it."
"You're being weak. You gave in to same sex attraction. You need to repent and be stronger."
"I'm plenty strong. I can't help that I love him.."
"If you were stronger, you'd be able to help it."
"What do you expect from me, grammy? I'm in love with him. And I'm plenty strong. Loving this man... is not a sin." I sniffled
"It's in the doctrine!"
"I don't know what to tell you. What exactly do you want me to do here.. I won't change who I am. Or w-who I love."
"Then I want you to leave."
"..leave?"
"Yes."
"I flew all the way up here to see you..."
"I don't care. I want you to leave."
"Grammy, I'm sorry... I have tried to pray what I feel away. i have tried to stop this. But I cannot stop love... You're the only family I have..."
"I can't condone this. Or dignify this by letting you stay here. I want you to go.."
"Grammy, I..."
Kevin set his hand over my chest, trying to calm me.
"M'am... I love your grandson. More than anything in the world. More than I ever thought I could love anyone. And I feel as if God recognizes that. And he wouldn't bring us together if he didn't support what we have.."
"I don't think two kids are qualified to educate me on God's word!"
"..Did you serve a mission? Did you serve the church, ma'am?"
"No."
"Then I don't think you're qualified to educate me on God's word. As a returned missionary, I learned many things in my time away. But the most important thing I learned that God doesn't condemn you for being true to who you are and trying your best. If you are faithful and loving, he will never disapprove.. frankly, I think you're being unchristian."
"Get out of my house, already."
"Look-"
"Kevin. Let's just go..." i mumbled, getting up off my knees, and helping Kevin up.
"I won't take up any more of your time.." I muttered, grabbing my bag, and beginning to pack my things again.
Kevin helped me, wanting me to get out of there as fast as he could. He didn't want me to have to be around people that don't accept me. He tells me if they don't love me for who I am, they don't deserve me.
"Are you packed, darling?" He asked, his hand on my back
My grandmother scoffed when he called me 'darling', making Kevin scowl
"Yeah.." I sniffled
"Good. Let's go back to my hotel... okay?"
"Okay..."
softly brushing his thumb across my cheek, he walked me out.
"Goodbye, Connor." My grandmother said as we walked away, getting into Kevin's car.
I held it together long enough to drive away, but broke down the second we left the driveway.
"Hey, hey, it's okay... it's okay..." He said, trying to console me.
"She's all the family I had left..."
"You have me.. i know that's not a lot, but I love you more than anything.. it's probably not enough for you, and I'm so sorry about that. But if nothing else, you have me.."
"You're enough. You're all I-I need, I just.. it hurts... it hurts a lot.."
"I know.. it'll be okay. I know that probably doesn't help much, but it will.... Do you want to just cry for now? And talk about this when we get to the hotel. Or do you want to talk about it now?"
"I-I just want to cry for a bit..."
"Okay. I'll stop talking.." he sighed, setting his hand on my shoulder. He squeezed softly, making a conscious effort to just stay silent while i cried. It'll make me feel better to just cry a little. Well, a lot.
My eyes were red by the time we got to his hotel.
We walked to his room as quickly as possible, as I didn't want anyone to see me and think I was high. I had never been high, nor did I ever want to be.
I sat down on his bed the moment we got to his room. He sat down behind me, just far enough so that I could lay back, and rest my head in his lap
"I-I ruined it... I ruined it all... I have no family left but you.."
"You have my family. You have my mother and my aunt and uncle and my friends and-and your friends"
"I don't have any friends."
"Don't say that.."
"It's true. How many people can you name that I'm friends with?"
"..Chris."
"Chris moved to Idaho. Besides we-we weren't friends. He was nice to me. And that's it. We hardly knew each other. We were friendly. Not friends."
"Well...."
"I don't have any, Kevin. That's...that's not the point. I'm just...so close to being alone. And one day you'll realize that I'm not enough for you! And you'll leave! And I'll be alone.. and worse yet, I wouldn't have you..."
"...is that really what you think? That's you're not enough for me?"
I nodded, turning over so I could hide my face in his thigh.
"Hey.. you are everything I want and everything I need. You're.. everything. Don't ever think you're not enough. I love you. You're all I want. You're it. All I need. Baby, I want it all. And I want it with you.."
"I-I love you... I just... You're so perfect and so good to me, I just can't believe you'd ever choose someone like me.."
"You need to realize that I'm not going anywhere. I'm yours. Forever."
"...why?"
"...why what?"
"Why would you want to be with me forever? I'm a wreck.."
"Why can't you just learn that I truly love you?"
"Because..."
"Because why? I want to fix this. I want you to know how I feel.."
"I'm sorry..."
"Is there anything I'm not doing, that I can do to make you feel more loved? Because, Sunshine, I promise you are..."
"No. It's nothing you're doing. It's me"
"We can't have a healthy relationship unless you feel loved by me.."
"I do. I know you love me. I just think that you'll realize you can do better.."
"I don't want anyone else. Nor will I ever."
"This...this isn't about this. Thank you, but it's not. I'm just...I can't believe she would treat us that way... you're supposed to love one another! Faults and all!"
"Do you see this as a fault?"
"No... but she does... she should try to love me through my sins."
"This isn't a sin..."
"It is. It's a big one. But that shouldn't make her love me less.."
"No. It shouldn't. It doesn't make God love you less. Where's her spirituality?"
"I.... don't know. I just... I feel like a fool."
"There's no way you could have known.."
"I should have assumed. She's... she's never even had a sip of tea! Not once in her life! And I expected her to be okay with this..."
"...I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have come here.."
"No. I'm glad you're here. She had to know. And I'm glad I have you with me."
"I wish things didn't end this way..."
"Me too."
"But, I'm very proud of you. You were very courageous. And you're being very strong.. and I'm proud of you."
"...thank you."
"You're welcome." He nodded, leaving a kiss on my temple.
"..I think I want to go to bed."
"Okay. Do you want to pray again, real quick?"
"Yes."
"Alright. We'll do that."
"I don't want to get out of bed, though. Can we just stay up here?"
Sitting upright, I folded my arms, and close my eyes, tilting my head down. I assume he did the same.
"Would you like me to say the prayer?"
"Please do.."
"...Our father in Heaven... we want to thank you for another day together, in which we feel your presence. We ask that you give Anna, Connor's grandmother, the strength to forgive us. And to understand the love we have for you, for each other, for her, and the love we continue to feel from you. Thank you for getting me to Salt Lake, safely, and without obstacle. We hope for a better day tomorrow, with your help. We truly feel your love and your presence with us tonight. And I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen."
"Amen."
"Alright, Sunshine, let's get you to sleep. Okay?"
"Okay.. I feel better, now that we've prayed."
"Good. That's good. It always makes me feel better, too.."
I laid on my side, Kevin pulling the covers up.
"You must be cold.." he whispered
I turned off the lights, cuddling up to him.
"Everything's gonna be just fine..." he whispered, rubbing the top of my arm.
"..what if it's not?"
"I promise it will."
I let out a heavy sigh, a bit shaky, shutting my eyes.
He pressed his lips to my cheek, trying to comfort me.
"Kevin...?" I asked, after a long period of silence.
"Yeah..?"
"Will we get into Heaven? For real?"
"..I think we will."
"What if we don't? What if we don't even live honorably? What if we're bound for outer darkness?"
"We're not.. we're good men. God loves us just as much as everyone else."
"I don't know... I'm just going to get to bed."
"Well, we can't just leave off like this. You're worrying me. Last time you acted like this..."
"I just want to go to bed, Kevin. I'll be better in the morning.."
"...okay. Goodnight."
"Goodnight... I love you"
"I love you too."
It took quite a while for me to fall asleep. But once I did, it was even worse than being awake. The fear moved into my dreams. I woke up shouting, Kevin trying desperately to shake me awake.
"Connor! Connor.."
My eyes snapped open.
"Is everything okay?"
"...yeah... fine.." I panted
"His hand was pressed on my chest, which just about always calmed me.
"What's wrong?"
"..Nothing. It was just a dream... I-I'm okay"
"You don't seem okay.."
"It's...It's fine. Do you think I woke anyone up?"
"I don't know."
"I woke you up."
"We may get a knock on the door from the staff. They probably thought you were being killed" he scoffed
"Was it that bad?"
"It was very loud. And sounded very scared... are you sure you're alright? It took nearly a minute to wake you.."
"Just some bad dreams..."
"Okay... try to get back to sleep. I'm right here. I'll wake you if you get scared again. Just try to rest."
"...are we leaving tomorrow, or spending a while longer in Salt Lake?"
"Well, I was thinking we would stay another day. And then go home the day after.. but it's up to you."
"...I think I want to stay here. Get myself together before we go home."
"Okay... okay, why don't we stay here a few days? We've got the hotel room for a while."
"Okay.."
"Alright. We've got our plan. Why don't you just try to go back to sleep."
"...I don't think I can."
"Please? Just try."
"...I need you to hold me." I whispered ".....gosh, that's embarrassing"
"No, it's not embarrassing. Sometimes I need that too. It's okay. Let's just try to get some more sleep." He assured me, wrapping his arms around me.
"Are you sure your arm won't fall asleep? I'm heavy, I don't want-"
"Baby. It's fine. I don't care. Just get some rest. And by the way, you're not heavy. You're very light. I mean, you're a twenty four year old man, and you only weigh one hundred forty pounds.. you're light"
"I'm not twenty four yet"
"Yeah, but.. soon."
I shrugged, pulling the blankets up to my chin.
"It's so warm in here..." I mumbled, cozying up to him.
"Yeah. Tell me if it gets too warm, okay?"
"It's perfect.."
"Good."
He kept me in a tight hold, trying his hardest to make me feel safe.
"I'm sorry your nightmares are back..."
"It's fine... I'll be fine."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes.."
"Okay. Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
I squeezed my eyes shut, burying my in the pillow. My breath made the pillow feel warm, and I felt like I was being smothered after a while of having my breath trapped by the pillow, but kept my face there, nonetheless. I felt Kevin's soft hand on my back, the rubbing he started, becoming slower as he grew more and more tired.
By the time I woke, the sun was beaming through the large window, forcing me to squint.
I groaned, pulling the pillow over my face to block out the light.
"Crap, it's so bright.." I huffed
"Yeah.. do you want to close the curtains or do I have to save the day?"
"You get to be the hero" i mumbled, my voice muffled by the pillow.
"...Fine."
He rolled out of bed, the sheets crinkling as he moved, and closed to curtains
"Better?"
"Better.."
"Alright. Good. How're you doing?" He asked, getting back in bed with me.
"Better. Still a little upset.."
"Well, that makes sense. You'll be okay, though. I promise"
"Yeah.."
"Should we pray?"
I hopped out of bed, kneeling over to bed. Kevin did the same, setting his hand on my shoulder, quickly, before he clasped his hands together.
We prayed in silent, finishing up in around two minutes.
"Alright. Breakfast?"
"Sure. What're we gonna do?"
"there's a little restaurant down the street. How about we go there?" He suggested, beginning to change his clothing.
"Uhh sure."
"Alright."
I took a shower before getting dressed, and got out of the hotel in around thirty minutes.
"....Connor, there's something I want to talk about with you." Kevin mumbled, as we ate.
"...oh?"
"Don't worry, it's nothing negative, I just... I'm beginning to want children. I know I used to want them in the distant future... but, I'm starting to want them sooner. How do you feel?"
"Well, obviously I want kids. And I want them with you. But... I just don't want that to end our spark. The-The passion we have. I don't want that to stop. And I'm worried it will.."
"I think that growing our family will make us more passionate, if anything.."
"Perhaps you're right.. I'd also miss our alone time. I like spending so much time with you.."
"And, of course, I need to bring your mental health into account.. I don't want children until you're healthy.."
"Me neither. But sometimes it feels like I'll never get better..."
"You will. Heavenly Father gives us no challenges we cannot overcome.."
"...yeah."
"I promise you that."
"...what would you think of going to church this Sunday?"
"I wouldn't be opposed.."
"No?"
"No. It's been a while.. We haven't gone since I was one my mission."
"..I wanna go."
"Okay. We'll go."
"..yay."
"I missed church, honestly. I just was a little scared of how they'd react to me marrying a man... but I'm not scared anymore. As long as I've got you by my side, there's nothing to fear."