I woke up next to Kevin, who was in nothing but his underwear, finding myself back into thin pajama pants. I get cold very easily, and needed something to cover my legs whilst I slept. Kevin ran warm. Pajamas weren't a necessity for him. As long as he had me, and a blanket, he was fine.
I cuddled up to my sleeping husband, the bare skin of my chest and his back, together, creating warmth.
I wrapped my arms around his middle, burying my face in the crook of his neck.
He woke up soon after, and you could hear the smile in his sighs.
"Good morning, Sunshine..." he chuckled, placing his hand over my own.
"Good morning..."
"How'd you sleep?"
"I slept well. You?"
"Me too."
"Good. Can I make some breakfast?"
"Yeah, of course. Want some help?"
"Yes, please.." I yawned
"Still sleepy?" He asked
I nodded.
"How about you sleep and I make us some breakfast in bed?"
"No, it's okay. I'll make breakfast"
"Alright."
"You deserve a nice breakfast after treating me so well yesterday... and last night" I chuckled
"Well, I'm glad you're happy with yesterday. And last night."
"I am. Let me get dressed, and I'll get to cooking."
"I'll go down with you. In case you need any help."
I slipped on a hoodie, Waiting for Kevin to put on pajama pants and a shirt.
We walked downstairs, Kevin sitting down on the couch as I headed off the the kitchen. I decided to make him pancakes. It took about ten minutes to make our pancakes, bringing him the plate when they were done.
I flopped down on the couch, setting the plate on his lap, immediately curling up to him. He set down his book, taking off his glasses and setting them on the table. He looks adorable in his glasses. Very handsome. He's always very handsome, but he looks remarkably handsome in his glasses.
"Thank you so much, these look great."
"I'm not a great cook, but, uh, I can follow the directions on a box of pancake mix" i chuckled. He kissed my temple, digging in to his pancakes.
We ate our breakfast, Kevin doing the dishes after.
"Hey, babe?" I asked as he washed the dishes.
"Yeah?"
"Have you seen Benson this morning..?"
"No. Why?"
"I just haven't seen him... usually he's clawing at our door, first thing."
"Did you check the guest room?"
"No."
"Check there. He's probably napping under the bed again."
I got up and looked in the guest room. Nothing. Then the bedroom. Then the basement. My room. I had searched the whole house
"Kevin.... I can't find Benson" i said, becoming increasingly worried.
"Well, did you check the bathroom? That's where his box is.."
"I'll go check..."
I hurried off the the bathroom, to check if Benson was there. The moment I opened the door, I saw Benson.
".......Kevin!"
"Yeah?"
"Come here, please...!"
He jogged over, immediately gasping. He pulled me away, hurrying me off to the living room.
"Kevin, he's gone..." I sobbed
"I know.... I know, Honey...." he whispered, rubbing my back.
"I-I thought he had more time, I- oh god...."
He pulled me into a tight hug, sighing heavily.
"I-I'm so sorry, baby..." he sniffled
"I-I loved that cat! He was so sweet!"
"Yeah... I know. I-I'm gonna go... get him out of the bathroom...." he huffed after saying those words, about to cry "You stay here. I-I don't want you to have to see."
As Kevin walked away, I let myself cry. I kept thinking about the memories I had with that cat. The day Kevin brought him home. All the times he slept in my bed with me when Kevin couldn't. The night both Kevin and the cat spent the night on top of my chest, curled up together. I thought he had more time. I can only pray he's somewhere better now.. that he's healthy and happy wherever he is. I closed my eyes as Kevin walked past, not wanting to see it.
He came back in, sitting down next to me.
"Kevin..." I whimpered, falling into his side.
"I know... I know..."
"I-I miss him already..."
"Me too...." he sniffled
"I-I can't handle this, Kevin... First my grandmother, then my grandfather, then Benson and what's next!? You're all I have and I'm going to lose you one day! I can't lose you, Kevin, you're my universe, I can't handle losing you! Ever! Baby, I can't do it!"
"Shhh... hey, breathe.. just breathe... it's okay.. you won't lose me.."
"I'm bound to... I lose everyone. Sooner or later, I'm going to lose you, and I can't fucking handle that!" I shouted, sobbing into his shoulder
He was taken aback by my cursing, but understood where I was coming from.
"Hey.. I know this is hard, but you really don't have to worry about it now.. this is all a long way away. I'm okay. We need to enjoy the time we have together.."
"That's the issue! I want to be with you forever! It's what I need! But that can't happen!"
"Hey, Hey... we will be together forever. Families stay together in Heaven.."
"But we're not a family by the church's standards! What if we aren't by Heavenly Father's standards!? What if we can't be together, I can't handle that thought!"
"We are a family. God knows that. He loves us and he loves what we have. He brought us together and he would never tear us apart. We're going to be together. Even if we're apart for a short time in this life... we'll be together again. Forever."
"...P-Promise..?"
"I promise. And your family will be there- your real family. Your grandfather and grandmother. And my mother. And Benson and...everyone you love. We're gonna be together. I promise you."
I cried for at least another hour, in Kevin's arms, As he rubbed my back to soothe me, occasionally reassuring me that everything will be okay.
"I-I'm sorry for breaking down. I just.. I don't do well with death.. I-I don't handle it well..."
"I know. It's okay. Just remember you're okay. We've got a long time on this Earth, together. And we've got an eternity together, after. Everything is going to be just fine. All these people and pets, you'll see them again. God called them home. Their time here was over. They proved themselves worthy and now they're home. We all go home at some point. And we get to be together again. Everything's going to be okay, Connor. There's a plan for us all."
I sniffled, giving him a soft smile, my eyes filled with tears.
"You're right. Thank you.. We're gonna be together.. always."
"Always." He nodded, wiping tears from my cheek.
He kept me in his arms, holding me as tightly as I needed.
"We're going to have a burial for Benson tonight. In the backyard. We're going to have him in the backyard by the flowers in the back.. remember how he liked to go out into the backyard and sleep by the flowers?"
"Yeah.." I sniffled "he would have liked that.."
"Yeah. He would." Kevin smiled, pushing his hand through my hair.
"T-Thank you for helping me through this..."
"Of course. I'm having a hard time too. But having you here with me is.... it helps."
"We'll get through this. Right?"
"Right... Why don't you try to take a nap?"
"I-I can't. Whenever you don't sleep next to me, I have Benson with me...."
My eyes filled back up with tears.
"I'll be staying with you. Come on, why don't we just lay down. We'll start there."
I nodded, Kevin laying us both down. He pulled a small blanket off the arm of the couch over me, as I lay on top of him.
He began rubbing my back, softly humming to help soothe me. His humming turned to soft singing, as it tended to do.
"....there's a starman waiting in the sky.. he'd like to come and meet us, but he thinks he'd blow our minds... starman waiting in the sky, he told is to to blow it, cause he knows it's all worthwhile... he told me...."
I fell asleep on his chest, while he sang my favorite song to me.
I woke up a few hours later, Kevin still cuddling me.
He was still asleep, looking incredibly peaceful. It was nice. It made me feel better to see him so...calm. Serene. He even had this little smile on his face. A little smirk. Like he knew something you didn't. It was cute.
I let out a soft chuckle, setting my head back down on his shoulder.
I caught a whiff of his subtle cologne, which made me feel immensely calm. His scent always made me feel calm. He almost always smelled of pine, with a mix of something else nice. Occasionally vanilla, this time, he smelled of clean linen along with the pine. It was fantastic.
It distracted me from how I felt about
The loss of our beloved cat. Though, I still felt that pain, it got easier. It was getting slightly easier.
I pulled my arms around him, squeezing tightly, inadvertently waking him up. I really didn't mean to. I just needed to hug him. He woke with an immediate smile, patting my back, sleepily.
"What's this for?"
"You're making me feel better.." I mumbled, squeezing his middle even tighter.
"Well, good. How did you sleep?"
"I slept well. I miss him.. but that's irrelevant.. I slept fine. I like the song you sang me.... it's one of my favorites."
"Yeah.. mine too."
"I thought you liked The Smiths better than Bowie."
"It's still a good song."
"It's a very good song..." I corrected
My distracted smile, gave him the widest grin. Though he too was sad about Benson, seeing me cheer up a bit made him feel much much better.
"So... uh.... are you ready..? It's okay if you're not.."
".....I'm ready." I sighed
"Good boy.." he said, making me smile weakly
He helped me up, and brought me outside. I watched as he dug a small, rectangular hole in the ground, near the flowerbed. His favorite spot to nap.
Tears running down our faces, Kevin gently set him in the grave, stepping away, and setting his hand on my back.
"....I love you, Benson. And I'm about to cry my eyes out... but I know you wont be there to sit on my lap when I do.. you were one of my best friends during dark times. thank you for everything, Benny. I miss you dearly.... and I'll always remember you."
I bit down on my lip to help prevent from crying, but to no avail. I whimpered loudly, Kevin pulling me to his side, letting me cry into his shoulder.
"It's okay, baby.... take your time."
"I-I'm sorry, I just.... I loved him so much."
"Don't be sorry, sweetheart.."
I collected myself after a minute or two, Wiping my eyes and having Kevin continue with our little "service"
"You were a fantastic friend, Benson.. you made a wonderful lap warmer and were surprisingly content with being a pillow. We love you, Benson. You'll always be in our hearts.
I helped shovel the dirt over his small grave. We sat down on the ground there next to it for quite some time, until it began raining. I wanted to stay out. But Kevin insisted I go in. He didn't want me to get sick.
"Connor, it's pouring.."
"I want to stay out here... with him. I don't want him to be alone.."
"Baby, please just come inside... you're going to get soaked and you're going to get sick. Please."
"Can't I just stay out another moment?"
"Connor, Darling..."
I sighed and reluctantly stood up, Kevin taking me inside.
"Why don't we get you into some dry clothes?" He whispered, taking me upstairs. He picked out a pair of sweatpants and a shirt. He also gave me one of his cardigans, knowing his sweaters always helped me feel comfortable.
I tried to get changed, but I was frozen in place. All I could think about was that poor cat. He was just going to rot there in the rain.. i was frozen there. I don't deal well with death.
"Connor?"
I partially snapped out of it, Kevin setting his hand on my shoulder.
"Are you okay..?"
"...yeah..."
"Do you need help getting changed?"
"No. Thank you. It's fine."
"Okay.."
He sat down on the bed, picking at his nails as I slowly got dressed.
"...How about we watch a movie?"
"Whatever.."
"What do you want to do?"
"Anything's fine. Let's just watch a movie.."
"Isn't there anything you'd like to do? I don't want you to be sad..."
"I don't think there's much you can do, Kev. Thank you, though.."
"How about I make you some dinner and we watch a movie? Any movie you want."
"I'm not hungry." I sighed, sitting down next to him.
"I'm sorry..."
"It's fine. I just don't do well with this kind of thing. I'm sad. And I miss him.. and he's never coming back..."
"You'll see him again... one day."
"I want him back."
"I know.. it's okay. That's natural.. it'll get easier."
"Let's just... that movie was a good idea.. let's go. Let's just watch a movie."
"Are you sure you don't want to talk?"
"Yeah. Let's just go."
He nodded and brought me downstairs, bringing me my favorite warm blanket.
"Here. You lay down. I'll make you some dinner.."
"No."
"No?"
"I don't want to be alone... stay here. Please."
"Okay."
He sat down on the couch. I immediately curled up to him, putting my head down in his lap. He slowly combed his fingers through my hair, trying to soothe me. I pulled the blanket up over me, Kevin bringing one arm around my middle, to help make me feel secure. As secure as I could feel. His other hand continued with my hair, massaging my scalp.
"What movie do you want to watch? It can be any movie. Any movie at all."
"Uhhh.... Ferris Bueller."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"That's a good choice, know why?"
"Why?"
"Because it's already in the dvd player, so now I don't have to get up." He chuckled
"Well, good. I'm not letting you up just yet. You're making me feel better."
"I'm glad I can make you feel better.." he sighed, picking up the remote and turning on the movie for me.
".....I want to go back out there." I mumbled
"Don't. It's pouring out there.."
"Please?"
"Is this going to turn into an unhealthy habit? Like the constant cold showers?"
"...maybe."
"It's in your best interest not to, then."
I frowned, wrapping my arms around his leg.
"I'm sorry, Connor."
"I know..."
"....You look cute in those sweatpants." He said, trying to make me feel better.
"Thanks.."
"They make your butt look good. You've got a good butt." He complimented
"Thanks.." I chuckled softly
He grinned, the moment he heard my laugh.
He set his hand down on my hip.
"Do you remember the time that I was taking a shower, and Benson hopped right in?" Kevin giggled
"Yeah..." I smile
"Oh, and the time I was doing that painting for you for Christmas, and he stepped on the canvas and got paw prints all over it..."
"I still think that was a fantastic addition to the painting" I giggled
His hand moved right of my hip, on my butt, staying there. It was a little embarrassing, but it made me giggle enough to momentarily forget my troubles.
"You're a handsome boy, Connor...." He smiled. As much as compliments can embarrass me, I love them. He knows I love them. They're making me feel better.
"I'm handsome...?"
"You're handsome!"
I smiled, nuzzling my forehead against his leg, making it more comfortable for me to lay there.
"Everything's going to be okay. Right, Connor?"
"Right"