"Good lord, it's loud in here!"
"Yeah!"
"And crowded! I forgot how many gays there were in this town!" I shouted over the loud noises
Kevin laughed, rubbing my shoulder.
"I'll go get you a drink. Pink Raspberry Cosmo, right?" He giggled, my taste in drinks being rather feminine
"Yes please!"
"Alright." He kissed my forehead quickly, before heading off to get our drinks.
I stood in the corner, where I usually was, getting flirty stares from guys hardly older than I.
Eight minutes later, Kevin walked back over, drinks in hand.
"What did you get?"
"Just a coke... how do you like your girly drink?" He chuckled
"I love it."
"Good. Did anyone make a move on you while I was gone?" He smirked
"I got a few looks.." I smiled
"I can't say I'm surprised that the prettiest boy in the building got a few looks..."
"The prettiest boy in the building, ey?"
"I can say with confidence that you are the most attractive man here."
"Really?"
"Yeah. People are looking at you right now, even."
I turned around to find at least four other men staring at me.
"..why are they looking at me?" I asked, turning back to my boyfriend.
"...Because you're the hottest boy they've ever seen."
"I'm not hot, though.."
"I know you think you aren't, but god, if you could see what everyone else can..." he smiled, shaking his head.
".. can we sit down?" I asked
"Yeah. Yeah, there's a few seats over here."
He led me over to a booth at the front of the bar, his hand on my back protectively.
"So, you liked the tour?" He asked, fiddling with a bottle cap left at the table.
"I loved it."
"Me too."
"I'm so excited for college. I'm so excited to go to school with you again. I'm so excited for everything.."
"Me too. But, you know, if we move into the dorms, we're probably not gonna be able to fall asleep together again.."
"Yeah... but rent is going up. Are pets allowed in the dorms?"
"Yeah."
"Who's gonna take him?"
"Let's not discuss that until the time comes, okay? We may get a room together.."
"Yeah.."
"Come on. It's gonna be just fine. We can request to be roommates. It's a small college. We're probably gonna get what we request in terms of dorms."
"I sure hope so..."
"It'll be fine, Sunshine."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
I finished off my drink, Kevin volunteering to go get me a second one.
Another man sat down in his place.
"Hey..."
"I have a boyfriend..." I smiled softly
"And? He's probably not good enough for you.."
"He is. But you sure as hell aren't. I said no. Beat it, Hippie." I barked, no longer smiling. The man left, muttering under his breath.
Kevin returned with another drink for me, sitting down at the seat across from me once again.
"I'm back!"
"I got hit on."
"By who?"
"You see that guy over there? The one in the tank top. He hit on me. Persistently. He would not take no for an answer."
"What'd he do?"
"Oh, he was all 'I bet your boyfriend isn't good enough for you"
"What did you say?"
"I don't know, I told him that you were, but he certainly wasn't. And then I told him to beat it."
"That's the Connor I know." He giggled, ruffling my hair.
"The Connor you know is afraid to talk to anyone. This is tipsy Connor."
"That's the tipsy Connor I know"
"You're only having a coke?"
"I'm driving us home. Unless you wanna die in a fiery car crash, I think it's best.
"Fair."
"Yeah. You're not gonna get drunk, are you?"
"No. I'm stopping at two. I hate how I get when I'm drunk."
"You get very sexual."
"I know!"
"It's a blessing and a curse."
"Truly."
"...So, when we get home, what do you wanna do?" I asked
"I was thinking we'd pick up some brownies at the store. Get home and feed Benson.. watch a movie, make out and go to bed."
"That sounds absolutely perfect." I chuckled
"Awesome. Finish up your drink so we can get outta here."
"Okay."
I chugged the rest of my drink, standing up. He walked me out of the bar, out to the car, driving us to the store. He went in and bought the brownies while I waited in the car, singing along to his music.
He got back in the car, laughing quietly.
"Nice singing"
"Thank you" I giggled
"I got us some brownies!"
"Yay!"
He smiled, pulling the car out of the grocery store parking lot, driving us home.
"You haven't had a cigarette in two days.. how are you holding up?" I chuckled
"It feels like I'm dying. Mind if we stop by the drugstore and get some on our way home?"
"I don't mind."
"Oh, you're the best!"
He drove over to the drugstore, pecking a quick kiss on my cheek before he got out of the car, leaving me with a dorky, wide smile on my face.
I was unable to wipe the smile before he came back, which immediately brightened his eyes.
"Hey, smiley..."
"Hey... did you get your cigarettes?"
"Yes. The good ones."
"Cool. What makes them good ones?"
"These ones have clearer, unadulterated tobacco."
"Oh..."
"They're my favorite. The ones I got last time were fucking weak."
"Ready to go?"
"Mind if I light one in here?"
"No, go ahead."
"Thanks."
He grabbed a lighter from his pocket, trying desperately to light his cigarette, getting more agitated the longer he tried.
"Ugh, damn it! It's fucking dead!" He groaned
"Just buy a new lighter.. there are some in there, right?"
"Yeah, but I don't have any more money on me... fuck...."
"I think I've got some... here."
"No, I can't take your money.."
"It's okay! You clearly need a cigarette. Here. Use my money. It's not that expensive."
"....you're a fucking lifesaver." He shook his head, landing another kiss on my cheek, before taking the money I handed him and walking into the store.
He returned around five minutes later.
"They wouldn't let me buy it! I'm not twenty one."
"But if you're old enough to buy cigarettes, why can't you buy a lighter?"
"I don't know. I had to buy matches instead."
"As long as it works.. you get so anxious when you don't have them."
"I know. It's an issue."
"Yeah..."
He struck a match, lighting his cigarette with it, then shook it to put out the dull flame. He took a deep inhale, closing his eyes, exhaling the smoke.
"Alright. Let's get home.." He sighed, driving us back to the apartment, balancing the cigarette between his fingers.
I was the one to feed the cat when we got home, therefore I was the one who's lap Benson sat on after he was done eating.
"What do you wanna watch?" Kevin asked, handing me a plate.
"Uhhhh you chose."
"Twin Peaks?"
"Sounds good."
"Don't fall asleep this time" he giggled, sitting down next to me
"Don't be so cozy and warm this time" I chuckled, cuddling up to him, pulling my hood over my head.
He stretched out his legs, forcing his foot against my calf.
"Cold feet! Cold feet!" I yelped, giggling.
I didn't even eat my brownie, falling asleep on him twenty minutes into the episode, Kevin gently rubbing my side as I slept.
I woke on the couch on top of Kevin, who was still sleeping, his hand over my back, his head turned to the side, his unshaven face beginning to grow stubble again. His eyes flickered back and forth beneath his shut eyelids, forcing me to ponder what he could be dreaming of. His solicitous nature often caused me to wonder if he was in fact dreaming of me. I was one of the few people in his life at the time being. He always wanted to know what was going on with me. I was the only person he seemed to show genuine interest in. I truly do wonder if he dreamt of me often. Probably not. But who knows?
He shifted slightly, nuzzling his head into the pillow.
His cigarette was out on the small dish on the table, along with his box of matches, which he was forced to buy as a replacement of his broken lighter.
Softly caressing his cheek, i showered him in kisses, unable to help myself. He just looked so sweet, sleeping there, his hand guarding my back.
He scrunched up hid nose, his eyes opening with a squint.
"What are you doing...?" He giggled, dragging his fingernails down my back.
"Nothing.." I smirked, kissing his cheek.
"Wha....? I'm confused.." he laughed, shutting his eyes again, still tired.
"...cutie."
"You're the cutest. So cute. You're just a big softie.."
"I am a big softie." He chuckled, opening his eyes.
"I know."
"How are you feeling this morning?"
"Good. I'm feeling good."
"You are? That's wonderful! I'm glad."
"Yeah.."
"What's on your mind? You seem a little distracted.."
"Oh, nothing... I'm just wondering if maybe I could stop seeing the therapist..."
"You wanna stop seeing the therapist..?"
"Yeah.."
"Why is that?"
"Every time I see him, I have to talk about things I don't like talking about... my father. My past. The assault... and.. it stresses me out. It makes me more upset than I already was.. I'd like to stop seeing him."
"Okay..."
"Can we stop seeing him?"
"I mean, we've got to talk about this a little more but... ultimately, it's up to you... I just worry, you know? You struggle so much, I worry about you going through that without someone to help you... you know?"
"Yeah.. I just... I'm not comfortable.."
"Well.. you're in charge..."
"Thank you..."
"But you've gotta promise, if you're having trouble, you've gotta tell me. You have to. Or else we'll have to start seeing the therapist again. It's your choice, but not if you're in danger.."
"I promise."
"Okay.. I'll cancel your appointment for next week."
"Thank you so much... oh, you're the absolute best." I wrapped him in a tight hug, smiling.
"...I just want you to be happy."
"Truly?"
"Truly.. as long as you're safe, that's all I care about"
I've never had anyone really want my happiness. It's a nice feeling.
"..thank you."
"Of course.."
I smiled, sitting upright.
A large smile grew on his face as he watched me run a hand through my messy hair, attempting to fix it.
"...what?" I chuckled
"You. Look. So... pretty this morning."
"I..."
"Hold on. Stay right there for me..."
He grabbed his camera off the conveniently placed side table, angling it to get a picture of me.
"Okay... thank you. That's gonna look great."
"Yeah?" I giggled, leaning forward, my hands falling onto his stomach, propping me up, my hair falling into my face. He quickly snapped another picture of me.
"Wait, I wasn't ready!"
"It's gonna look good. Trust me."
"Okay.." i said, watching the photo develop.
"....see? Beautiful."
"That is a nice picture..."
"I told you so."
"You did."
He balanced a cigarette between his teeth, striking a match to light it with.
"You are... so pretty." He muttered, taking a deep breath.
"I-"
"Shhh... don't argue. Just let me enjoy this."
"...okay." I giggled, sitting upright. "What exactly are you enjoying?"
"Your pretty face.."
"I-I.... okay." I giggled, embarrassed
He smirked, puffing out smoke in my direction. I reached out for the cigarette, which he handed over immediately. I took a deep breath, coughing quietly when I inhaled the smoke, still not used to it at all.
I'm not going to start smoking. But it's fun once and a while to use one of Kevin's.
He watched as I took another drag, handing it back to him.
"I didn't think it was possible to like your lips any more until there was a cigarette between them..." he chuckled.
"Don't get used to it."
"Good. As hot as you look, smoking is the worst habit. Don't start."
"Why don't you quit?" I asked
"I'm really fucking addicted to these things. I need them. I can't imagine life without em"
"You talk about cigarettes the same way you talk about me." I chuckled.
"Well, I don't like them nearly as much as I like you. The only similarity is that I'm addicted to both."
"Well, don't quit me, Kev."
"I won't. I don't ever want to."
"Good." I leaned down for a kiss, giggling slightly.
I interrupted the kiss with a yawn.
"Oh, you sound tired.."
"I am."
"Go back to bed."
"Can I?"
"Yeah. Get some more sleep."
"Thank you.. i'm gonna go to bed."
I stumbled into the bedroom, shutting the door behind me. I cuddled up to Benson, who was sleeping next to me as I pulled the blanket over myself. I slowly drifted off.
"Kevvy, I-"
"Shut up." Kevin muttered, taking my jacket off.
"Kev, I don't wanna-"
"I told you to shut up!" He shouted, slamming his fist against the wall. We were over at my old house. There was nobody to help me.
"Okay.." I whimpered, shutting my eyes.
"Good." He grunted, forcing my shirt off.
I tried as hard as I could to pretend this wasn't happening. But Kevin's violent movements kept me pinned to reality, just the same as he had me pinned to the wall.
"Kevin, stop... Kevin. Kevin, please. Please stop!"
"Shut the fuck up"
"Kevin, please...! Kevin!" i whimpered, a tear running down my face.
Trying to silence my pleas, he put his hand over my mouth, covering my nose as well. I could hardly breathe. He unzipped my pants. I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for it to end as I continued to plead.
"Connor!" Kevin shouted, shaking me awake.
My face was buried in a pillow, as my hands and legs swung violently.
"Connor, wake up!"
I forced my arms and legs down, stopping the kicking and hitting. I'm fairly sure I inadvertently struck Kevin a few times while he attempted to wake me, but that was the least of his worries.
"Connor, what's wrong!?" He asked, setting his hand on my stomach
"D-Don't touch me!"
"...I-I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to upset you, I-"
"Just.....please don't touch me."
"What's wrong?"
"...Y-You didn't stop.."
"What do you mean..?"
"I kept telling you to stop, but you wouldn't stop!"
"You're not making sense.."
"Just... I need to calm down. Just go. Please. Please leave."
"Connor... you're not yourself."
"Kevin, leave!" I barked, scaring myself with my loud tone.
He nodded and scrambled away, closing the door behind him.
I forced my face into the pillow, beginning to let tears fall. I couldn't stop the flashbacks of the assault that the dream had caused. I hadn't thought about it this intensely since it happened. It was nearly just as horrible in the dream, when Kevin, the only man I trusted not to hurt me, violated me like that. I know it was only a dream, but it felt all too real. Was Kevin capable of this? I never considered him capable of anything like this until now, but at the moment, I could only find him capable of harm. And I don't know why. I've never felt scared of him before. I always felt safe with him. What was with the sudden turn of opinion?
Twenty full minutes of crying later, unable to stop the event from over a year ago from playing on repeat in my mind, Kevin knocked on the bedroom door, speaking as softly as possible, as to not scare me.
"Connor...? Are you okay in there? Can I come in....?"
"Y-Yes" I sniffled, trying to find a tissue before he came in, so he couldn't tell I had been crying. I wasn't fast enough.
He opened the door, looking at me and frowning, slowly walking over to the bed. He wiped my tears with the sleeve of his hoodie, kissing my cheek.
"Baby... what's wrong?"
I was no longer afraid of him. My fear was brief and illogical. He was the softest, most kind man in the world.
"I-I had a nightmare.."
"About what..? You seem pretty shaken up.."
"D-Do you remember the day I-I was going to work... and I had to walk through the bad town. And... someone grabbed me. And... he......." I couldn't bring myself to say it. I was awfully ashamed, and quite honestly, scarred.
"Yes. I remember.."
"..and you remember how I-I kept having nightmares..?"
"Yes. You would wake me up every night, screaming. And I couldn't touch you.."
"Well, the dreams are happening a-again."
"Oh no.. sweetheart.."
"It was worse than it used to be.."
"Oh, baby....." he lifted his hand to try to comfort me, but stopped, worried he'd scare me even more "....can I?"
I nodded him, giving permission to touch me. He set his hand down on my leg, rubbing it to console me.
"What's worse...?"
"... it was you this time."
"....me?"
"You..."
".....oh gosh.... Connor, I'd never."
"I-I know..."
"That's why you were telling me to stop.... oh gosh..."
".....It's not the first time I've had a dream where you...... violated me."
"It's not...?"
"No... I'm sorry."
"Hey, it's not your fault.. you know I'd never do that, right?"
"Yeah... it's just... I think it's because I trust you... You're the only person I trust... I guess deep down, I'm just kinda scared of that being broken.. I don't wanna lose the only person I've ever trusted."
"I'll never betray your trust.. I'd never do anything to hurt you.. okay? You're the only thing that matters to me. I'd never do anything to run the slightest risk of losing you.."
"...I'm so lucky.." I sniffled
"I'm lucky, darling.. now..... are you still sleepy?"
I nodded
"I thought so. You didn't get much rest... how about I stay here while you take a nap?"
"C-Could you....?"
"Could I what?"
"Could you get in bed with me...? I'd feel a little safer.."
"Of course I can. "
He stood up, walking over to what was usually my side of the bed, laying down.
"You're always safe with me, Connor.." he whispered, setting his hand on my side.
I nodded, shutting my eyes as the cat jumped back onto the bed, laying at our feet.
It took quite a while for me to fall back asleep, staring at the wall for an hour while I waited. Kevin was incredibly patient, knowing how tired I was, he waited there with me, and laid there even longer while I slept. He was perfectly content doing so. He didn't say a word about it. He's a nice man.
He woke me up three hours later, with a quiet tone.
"Darling? It's time to get up.. we still have our last appointment today... are you feeling up to it?"
I groaned, rubbing my eyes.
"What time is it?" I mumbled
"Uhhhh twelve."
"Alright...." I huffed, getting up.
Not even bothering to change clothing, i headed out the door, stopped by mail by the door.
"Kevin. You have a letter!"
"I do?"
"Yeah." I handed Kevin the envelope.
He opened the letter, his eyes widening.
"Connor! I did it! I did it!"
"Did what?"
"I have a mission! A mission in Europe!"
"You applied for a mission?"
"I did! I didn't tell you, cause I wasn't even sure I would get my recommendation, I mean, I hadn't been to services in so long, but-"
"I'm.. happy for you...! I wish you would have told me.."
"I'm sorry! I didn't... didn't even think it would get approved, it was a total shot in the dark."
".. I didn't realize you were still that faithful.."
"Well... I have a pretty complicated relationship with the church.. I love God, I don't love the leaders.. but y'know, my dad, he... he loved church. Every single Sunday, three hours, we'd spend together, there.. he always dreamed of me going on a mission... back when he still loved me, he told me all about how proud I'd make him... I'd do my service to the church.. to Heavenly Father... to him... I just always wanted to make him proud, like that.. even if he wasn't around to see it.. church was the one thing we always had, that we bonded over and felt.. close over.. I just felt like I had to try, you know? They probably wouldn't want me, but if I tried my best, I knew I'd done my duty.."
"Does that mean... does that mean we have to break up?"
"No! Gosh, No, I'll write you every week if I go... And I'll call you on your birthday and my birthday, and-and everything is gonna be great..."
"Yeah..."
"Look, I know this is a surprise, and if you aren't feeling like you can be alone that long, I understand.. I can stay, I won't blame you one bit.. you come first. You always will.. we can think about it and talk about it, I won't leave you if it'll be bad for you.."
What was I supposed to do? Separate him from the one connection he had left to his father? His childhood? He'd been planning on this since he was a child, this is all he has left of his dad, all he'll ever get again. He needs this. He deserves it. That boy has spent every waking moment caring for me, he deserves a break. He deserves to live for himself. I couldn't say no.
It's not his fault. If I had shown the slightest discontent with the trip, he would cancel immediately. He would refuse to leave me behind. Then, years later, he'd resent me. I know he thinks he wouldn't, but I know better. This is something he needs, something I can't stop him from, not in good conscience. I don't want him to resent me. I don't want to rob him of his life, of his connection to his father.
"I'm... I'm excited for you....."
He wrapped me in a tight hug, letter in hand, lifting me up, covering my cheek in kisses.
"Thank you, Sunshine."
"I-I wish you would have discussed going away for two years with me but.... I-I'm just glad you're happy. When do you leave?"
"It says I leave for training next month.."
"..oh. Wow..."
"Alright uhhhh let's get you to your appointment.." he giggled, shoving the letter into his back pocket and taking out his phone.
"Alright.."
He dialed his mother's number, explaining the situation to her as he drove me to the therapist. Frankly, I was a little pissed that he didn't discuss this with me before now. He's going away for two years. I understand his reasons. I'm happy for him. He deserves this break, he deserves to follow his dreams. He deserves to be a little selfish. I just wish he'd chosen a different way to be selfish. To at least give me some sort of a heads up.
We arrived, Kevin dropping me off in the lobby, sitting and waiting while my appointment took place.
He greeted me at the door.
"Hey!"
"Hey.."
"Is something wrong?"
"I wanna talk about it at home.."
"Okay..."
"let's just go home?"
"Yeah..Connor, are you mad at me?" He asked, starting the car.
"...A little bit."
"..why?"
"Because! You're going away for two years! You won't be able to talk to me, I won't be able to see you and we'll only be able to speak like four times over the next two years and you didn't bother to tell me!"
"I'm sorry! Look, that was wrong of me, but, I-I thought you'd be happy for me..!"
"Of course, I am! I'm incredibly proud of you! But, you need to tell me these things! I want you to have this, Kevin, you deserve it, but I also deserved to know! I deserved more than thirty days to prepare myself... I'm so proud of you.. I want this for you.. but I'm not going to pretend I'm not upset that you didn't give me any sort of warning... How am I gonna pay rent by myself? How am I gonna keep myself safe what do i-"
"I have a plan for you. Look... my mom invited you to live with her while I'm gone. We can set up a safety net with your counselor.. you'll have a safe place.. By the time I'm back, We'll have our dorms."
"And I'll be in one without you, Kevin!"
"I'm sorry... but, everything is going to be okay. I promise..."
"I just wish you would've told me sooner... that's all.. I-I want this for you, I just... wish you would have said something.."
-
-
-
"....I can't believe this is goodbye......" I sniffled, watching the plane board.
"I know. But I promise I'll write you. Every week. You'll get letters from me. And as many phone calls as they'll let me have. And we're gonna be okay..."
"I'll-I'll write you back..... I don't care how long you're gone, you're mine. Forever." I sniffled
"Forever." He smiled softly, wiping away my tears.
"...I love you." I whimpered.
"I love you too, Connor... I'll see you soon."
He gave me one last, long, loving kiss, followed by a hug. He said goodbye to his mom and boarded the plane, tears blurring my vision.