I woke up early that morning and decided to use the extra time to try and get some food down. I snuck down the stairs quietly, grabbing another handful of grapes and sneaking back up the stairs. Not a lot, but an improvement.
Soon enough, it was time for me to get ready for school. I completed my usual routine, throwing on the jacket Kevin had given me on, walking out of the house. I was met by Kevin at the door as usual, but much to my surprise, he was beaten black and blue.
"..Kevin, what the hell happened to you?" My heart dropped
"We gotta go. Quickly" He sped off and I followed, until we were out of sight of my house
"Kev, what's wrong? How did that happen?"
"Well, uh, it turns out that going to the hospital with you without repercussion was a bit too good to be true.."
"What do you mean...?"
"When I got home, your father was there. My mom was at work, and he uh... he'd followed me. And.. Well, you can guess..."
"Oh God.. Kev.... I'm so sorry. I-I shouldn't have gotten you involved, I knew it wouldn't end well.."
"I-It's okay. I'm fine."
"You've got a bloody lip, you're not fine!"
"Connor, you've gone through much worse. I'll be just fine."
I was right when I thought I would screw his life up. I knew I shouldn't have let him into this fucking mess. I can't keep him wrapped up in this. He'd be so much better off without me getting him into all my stupid shit.
Maybe if I distance myself from him enough, he'll just forget about me. Maybe he'll realize how much better off he is and break it off, himself. He won't be dragged into my problems anymore. The last thing I want is to leave that boy, but I can't put him in danger. I've put him through so much bullshit, I can't keep doing it to him. He lost his father because of me, and now mine was following him home and beating him. I can't put him through any more. I just can't.
"Connor, you alright? You're not talking too much.." He observed, reaching his arm around me, his hand on my back.
I stiffened up immediately
"Yeah... I'm fine..."
"... You know, aside from what happened with your father and I, I did really have a fantastic time with you yesterday.. I really loved being with you." He smiled softly, attempting to ease my mind
God, that smile could shatter any barriers I even try to put up between us.
"I had a nice time too... I'm so sorry about my dad. I shouldn't have gotten you involved....I-I feel like you'd be better off without me, you wouldn't have to worry about this shit.."
He stopped and turned to me, taking his hand off of me.
"What do you mean, Connor?"
"I feel like I'm just... a burden, at this point.. he hurt you because of me.."
"Sunshine, you are not a burden. I love you. Your father isn't going to scare me out of being with you.. he's not going to bully me away."
"I just feel like a burden in general, especially to you. And sometimes I just... feel like you're better off without me and my problems. Like everyone's better off without me and my problems.."
"... What do you mean...?"
"I-I don't know. I'm sorry. It's stupid...It's not important..Let's just get to school." I started walking again, trying to stop the conversation.
I'm not letting him get caught up in another one of my stupid fucking problems.
He walked with me, still obviously concerned. He put his arm back around me, and I stiffened up again. I'm going to keep this distance. If I'm not with him, I can't hurt him any longer. I'm doing him a favor by leaving his life. Hell, I'm doing it for him.
We walked into the school, and I left to my class without saying goodbye. He looked hurt, but shook it off and walked to his first class. I avoided him the rest of the school day.
After the bell rang I walked past his locker, trying not to acknowledge him, but as I passed him he grabbed me by my tie. Not enough to hurt me, just enough to stop me. He lead me back to him.
"Connor, did I do something to upset you?"
"No... You didn't do anything."
"Are you mad at me?"
"No. I'm not mad at you at all" I sniffled slightly
"Then why are you acting like this?"
"Like what?" I feigned ignorance
"Icy. All of the sudden you've been acting all cold towards me. What did I do wrong?"
"It's nothing. You didn't do anything wrong, it's me. I-I just don't want to hurt you, is all.." I started walking away again before he held onto my shoulder, turning me back towards him, keeping intense eye contact.
"What do you mean you don't want to hurt me? How would you hurt me?"
"....I just don't want you to be upset."
"Upset by what? Sunshine, you're upsetting me by acting like this.."
"Just... trust me... okay? It's easier if we're not as close."
"What's easier? ...Connor, what are you talking about? Why are you acting like this?"
"...I gotta go home, okay..? Goodbye..." I gazed into his eyes one last time before heading off
I'm going to miss those eyes.
But it's better this way. It's better for him, it's better for my parents, it's better for everyone. He's safer, this way.
I finally reached my house, Kevin far enough behind to give me the necessary space I had fought him so hard for. Heading straight up to my room, I grabbed a bottle of pills from the medicine cabinet. I had no idea what they were. I just knew that the more I took, the better. The more I took, the less chance I had of waking up and keeping him trapped in this fucking mess.
I unscrewed the lid, staring into the bottle like the barrel of a shotgun. Naturally, hesitations petered in. I was scared, no doubt. I felt sick. But I didn't have a choice. It was bad enough to have nothing going for me, no escape, but to drag the boy I love into it was far too much. I refuse to put him through one more moment of this.
Of course he'll be hurt at first. But it's better this way. He'll move on, he'll fall in love again, and do so with somebody who won't destroy his life the way I have. Somebody who didn't drive his father away, whose own father doesn't attack him. He deserves better than this. Things are better if I go.
But that doesn't mean it's easy. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to leave him. But I don't have any other choice.
And maybe it won't be so scary, after all. I'll fall asleep, and the next thing I know, I'm free. Away from my father, away from the shackles of my life. Away from the heartache, away from the pain. I'll be safe. And I can wait for Kevin to join me when his time eventually comes. He'll live a full life and when he's old and gray, he'll come back home to me. And he'll love me just as much as he does today. Somewhere safe, somewhere my father can't hurt us.
But he at least deserves a proper goodbye. He deserves to know that this wasn't his doing, that I love him. That there was nothing he could have done.
He answered on the first ring of my call
"Connor.. Sunshine, what's gotten into you?"
"Nothing's gotten into me... I just wanted to hear your voice again.."
"What is it, Sunshine?"
".... Kevin, I hope you can forgive me.. And that one day you can understand that what I'm doing was for your own good... you didn't do anything wrong.. it's not your fault.. and I'll see you one day soon enough, okay? It's not forever, I'll see you again someday.. I love you. Please know that. Okay..? With everything I had, I loved you. Fully.."
"Connor, Baby, what are you talking about? The panic grew in his voice
"I've got to go now, okay..?" my voice trembled "..Goodbye, Kevin"
I hung up and poured a handful of pills into my mouth, swallowing them down with water from the bathroom sink.
Only moments later, my front door slammed, and I heard footsteps bounding up my stairs.
"Connor! Connor, where are you!?" Kevin called desperately, all the way up the stairs
He made it to my room, hurrying into the bathroom
"Connor.. What did you do?! What's going on?" He placed both hands protectively over my cheeks
"Kevin.. Please leave, it's for your own good, okay? The hard part's over.. j-just kiss me goodbye and go.."
He scanned the room until he saw the pill bottle on the sink.
"...oh shit. Connor, you have to throw those up. Right now."
I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut.
He sighed and took me by the shoulders, rushing me over to the toilet as quickly as he could
"I'm so fucking sorry for what I'm about to do." He apologized, before shoving his fingers to the back of my throat, making me vomit the pills up almost immediately.
He rubbed my back as I coughed and heaved over the toilet, before grabbing one of the old glasses of water I had left in my room, and forcing it into my hands
"Drink this... Please." He looked more panicked than he had ever looked in his life, eyes filled to the brim with tears.
I groaned and choked down the remaining water in the glass.
We sat there in silence for what felt like an eternity as we both caught our breath. Sniffles filled the cramped bathroom, but I didn't dare look at him.
"...you have to get up, Sunshine, we have to go to the hospital.."
"No.." I whispered back, forehead against the side of the toilet
"I'm calling poison control, where's the bottle?" He hurried to his feet, swiping the nearly empty bottle off the counter and scrambled to my bedroom to retrieve his phone.
I could only hear him, vaguely, as he spoke on the phone. Not that I was paying much attention to it, either.
"Okay, thank you... thank you so much.. yes, goodbye" he hung up as he returned to the bathroom
"You'll be okay.. you threw it up, it won't hurt you.. just keep drinking.. and stay awake... come on, Baby, let's get you into your bed, at least.."
He helped me to my feet as I finished off the glass, leading me to my bed with a slightly less panicked demeanor and sitting me down.
"Connor.. what the hell has gotten into you?" He whispered, tears running down his face as he brought a hand to my cheek
I didn't respond
"Connor, why would you do this..?"
"...I'm sick of being a burden, Kevin."
"What are you talking about..?"
"All I've done is d-drag you into my problems... I-I'm sick of fucking up your life."
"...You've never fucked up my life. Sunshine, I don't care what your father does to me. I don't care what my father does. All I care about is you.. fuck our parents, I love you.. you haven't fucked up a single thing.... Connor, I would fall apart if something happened to you.. don't you ever try this again... Please...."
He wrapped his arms around me as tightly as he possibly could, shaking from panic.
"..H-How did you get here so fast?"
"I was waiting outside the house.. I-I knew something was wrong, I couldn't let myself leave.."
".....You cared.."
"Of course I cared! Connor, I love you! So much. I would never be the same if something happened to you.. Connor, I would break.."
Kevin only held me tighter as I began to cry
"Please.. Never do this again..." He whimpered.
I nodded, wiping the tears from my face.
"I-I'm so sorry, Kevin.."
He held me for another twenty minutes, before finally finding it in himself to let me go.
He took a deep breath, almost preparing himself, before walking into the bathroom and cleaning up all the pills off the floor. He washed his hands and walked back into my room, setting his hand on my back.
"..What time is your dad coming back, Sunshine?" He whispered shakily
"He's not, not until tomorrow."
"Alright... I'm staying here."
"You don't have to.. I-I don't want you to go out of your way for me. You've already done enough of that."
"I'm going to. I'm not leaving you alone tonight. I'm not letting you go through this alone.. I'm not letting you go through anything alone, again."
I can't believe I almost abandoned that man. I can't believe I almost put him through that. I can't believe how selfish I was. I'm so glad he caught me before it was too late. I was upset at first, I thought I was doing what's good for him, but now I'm just grateful he was there. I'm grateful that he cared. I'm grateful that he was standing out there in case something happened. I was such a piece of shit to even try ignoring him. I was a piece of shit to try to abandon him. I can't think about this right now. I can't stand another ounce of self-loathing. I don't know what on earth I could've possibly done to deserve him. I don't deserve him.
"I love you so much, Kevin..." I sniffled
"I love you too. So much.." He took his hand from my back, and brought it up to my shoulder, rubbing it soothingly. His hands were still shaking violently from the panic.
I looked over at him, his eyes still red from tears. If he'd arrived even a few minutes later than he did, I might not be here right now. That's terrifying to think about. I don't know what drove me to think like that. I still feel like I burden him daily, but why would I ever think that abandoning him would make anything better?
I pulled him closer to me, hugging him again.
"I'm so sorry.." I whispered
He had his arms wrapped around me tightly. He didn't reply, but what could you really even say about it? I wish this hug would never end, I wish he would never let me go. His presence brought comfort that would never be broken. Just from his hug, you could tell how much he cared. How much he truly wanted to be with you.
"Y-You really should go home.. your mom will be worried about you..." I dried my eyes
"I'll talk to my mom later... I'm staying here with you, whether you want me to or not. I'm staying right here."
I understand why he wants to keep track of me tonight. I understand why he's scared. What I don't understand is why he chooses to stay by my side and put himself through all this worry. Through all this sadness. Through all this pain. Why does he do this to himself? He could've left long ago. He could've saved himself from all of this so long ago. Why does he choose to continue? I'm not confident I'll ever fully understand why, but hell, I'm so lucky he does. I certainly don't deserve a man like him. I don't even deserve the privilege of knowing a man like him.
I messed up. I messed up badly. I shouldn't have hurt him that way. I messed up worse than I ever have before. But he's still here. That says a lot. He cares enough about me to keep himself in this mess, just to keep me safe. Just to keep me happy. Looking back at him, he was staring at me anxiously. Likely fearing that something else could happen to me. I feel horrible. Not only because I downed a bottle of pills and threw them back up. But because I caused so much stress in his life.
I put my head on his shoulder. I was exhausted. However, I was interrupted by Kevin lifting me up, away from his shoulder.
"Don't sleep yet... It could be dangerous.." he said, starting to get clearly anxious again
I nodded and sat up straight. It was only four in the afternoon, but the events of the day took the energy out of me. Kevin was clearly tired as well, but refused to take his eyes off of me, scared that I would fall asleep or try something else
"Do you want another glass of water?"
I shrugged. It was probably a good idea, but I felt sick. I didn't want much to drink. He got up and quickly went down the stairs, retrieving me a glass of water and walking back up the stairs.
"...Why is there blood on the wall downstairs?"
"It was my dad.. with the bottle.." I replied, somewhat numb to the memory as a result of that sort of thing happening so frequently.
He cringed, putting his arm around me.
"I'm so sorry all this happened to you, Sunshine... You don't deserve all this bullshit. You're too young to go through this.."
"It's just how it is. There's not much we can do about it.. I just gotta deal with it, y-you know?"
"You shouldn't have to..."
I shrugged, taking a sip of water.
We sat for hours, Kevin not taking his concerned eyes off of me once. He pulled me over to him, as he leaned against the wall, tiredly. He kept both of his arms around me tightly, forcing his eyes open so he could stay awake and make sure I was safe. Soon enough, he couldn't stay up any longer, drifting off to sleep, still leaned up on the wall, his arm loosely around me. His hair was draped slightly over his forehead, his breathing patterned slowly. I slipped out of his grasp and retrieved a blanket from across the room, draping it lightly over him. He's seen me sleep before numerous times. I'm fairly quick to fall asleep. But, I've never seen him asleep before. He looked content. Peaceful. Calm. I softly ran my hand through his hair, hoping to be of some comfort, even as he slept. He's earned some comfort after what I did tonight. We both have.
I was still physically and emotionally drained, but I had promised Kevin I would keep myself awake. I can't let him down like that and put myself in more danger. My eyes slowly shut a multitude of times, only for me to snap them back open. I'm not letting myself fall asleep tonight. I owe this to him. I owe far more than this to him.