I didn't sleep a wink, that night. Over the past two nights combined, I've only gotten five hours of sleep and it's starting to show. Though, the dark circles under my eyes are probably the least of my problems, as far as my appearance goes.
Hardly even awake, I got dressed again and washed my face, groaning in pain every time I hit a bruise.
Once I was finished, I picked up my bag, and reluctantly headed out the door. I didn't want to go to school today, but I sure as hell didn't want to see my dad again. School was the lesser of two evils.
The first thing I saw when I exited the house was Kevin. He had waited for me. But he damn near jumped when he saw how just beaten up I was.
"Sunshine.. christ, you look like hell, what happened to you?"
"It's nothing.. Let's just go." I started walking again, stopped when he grabbed my arm and pulled me right back over to him.
"Connor, what happened to you..?" He repeated
"I'm fine okay!? Just- we're gonna be late, we have to go"
"Buddy, I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell happened to ya"
"It's not- it's fine, it- ..It was just my dad, it's not a big deal, alright? Can we please go now?" I huffed, impatiently, wanting to get as far from my house as I possibly could before my father caught me
Kevin froze in his tracks
"...McKinley, did he hit you?"
I tried to come up with an excuse, really, I did. But I'm not great under pressure. It quickly became obvious I was attempting to make something up.
"...Come here." He pulled me over next to him by my biceps as he inspected my cuts and bruises.
"Connor, what did your father do to you...?"
I felt as if I was being interrogated.
"It's not a big deal.."
"You're bleeding, it's a pretty big deal..!"
He pulled me away from the sidewalk to grant us a bit of privacy
"Tell me what happened..."
I sighed, reluctantly complying. I just wanted it to be over with.
"He uh.. he slammed me into the wall and h-he hit me a couple of times.. that's all.. it's okay, it was my fault." I explained, trying to downplay it and make the beating sound a little less painful.
Kevin's eyes widened as he suddenly quieted
"Oh my god... Connor.." he pulled me tightly into his arms, making my heart begin to race once again. Kevin Price was holding me in his arms. And Christ, he smelled so good. Just as quickly as he'd pulled me in, the pain forced out a quiet wince. He let go the second he realized it hurt. Honestly, I wished he wouldn't have let go at all. I've never been held like that before. I've never felt so safe as I did in those few seconds in his arms. I wished he would have kept me there, forever.
He looked at me, a deep sadness in his eyes that I hadn't seen before
"Why would he do that to you?"
"....I can't talk about it"
"What do you mean..?"
".. I can't- You'll hate me.... I-I'm going to hell..."
"Hey.. You can tell me, Sunshine. I won't be mad.. talk to me.."
I sat down on the nearby bench, letting out a shaking breath as I stared straight at the sidewalk, ahead.
"..Kevin, I think.. god... I think I might be... I think I might like.. boys.." tears stung my eyes and crowded my throat "I-I'm so sorry.. I thought it was done, I thought I was all better, I tried so hard.. but I'm not.. I can't make it stop.. a-and if you don't want to talk to me anymore, I-I understand.. I don't blame you, I wouldn't-"
"Hey- McKinley.." he placed his hands firmly on my shoulders to stop my spiraling "....it's okay.. there's nothing wrong with that.. there's nothing wrong with you."
"..It feels like there's something terribly wrong with me" I choked out, tears filling my eyes and crowding my throat
"Don't say that.. there's nothing wrong with you, Connor.."
"There must be, because I... it feels so terribly sorry wrong.."
Kevin sat down next to me, staring into my eyes, full of tears. He looked over my scrapes and bruises once again, ignoring all of the other students passing by, and placing his hand on my shoulder without breaking eye contact.
"Connor, there is nothing wrong with you... it's natural. It's normal.. there's nothing bad about it. Or sinful about it...I promise.. God made you like that, he'd never punish you for it.."
".. I wish I could believe that" my voice trembled
"...Has he hit you before? Your father?"
I nodded and finally looked away from him as shame flooded back in
"How long has this been going on..?"
"Years.. It's hard to remember a time where he wasn't hitting me.."
He sighed shakily, taking my hand and intertwining our fingers.
You could tell so much about him from the way in which he held my hand. He held it loosely, gently. Afraid to hurt me. Afraid to hurt anyone. But tightly enough that you could feel how he cared.
"Please don't go back to that house... I-I don't want to watch you get hurt like this, McKinley" He whispered
"I have nowhere else to live, Kev. They're all I have.. I have to go back."
"..what if you came to live with me? A-At my place or something-"
"You know that's not realistic.."
He nodded, tears silently beginning to fall from his eyes. I know I've only known him for a short period of time, but I've never seen him cry. I couldn't have ever imagined him crying. He had always put up such a bad boy front, even when he was concerned. Now it was gone, and I'd taken it down. I felt awful. He was crying in front of me, in front of everyone.
"Please don't cry.. I'll be alright. It's just the way it is. It's just something that I have to deal with for a little while longer, until I go to college.."
"D-Don't you understand how terrifying that is, Connor? You shouldn't have to come home knowing that you could get beaten! You shouldn't have to come home wondering how badly they're going to hurt you, that night! That's not something you should have to deal with!"
"..Just don't worry about it, okay? It's my problem, not yours, I don't want my problems to stress you out.. It's not your job to worry about me. I really appreciate that you care about me, but I can't just let my life affect you like this."
"It shouldn't have to be your problem!"
"I'm okay.."
He sighed and looked deep into my eyes again.
"Just...please be careful. Please."
"I will.. Believe me, I will... I'll be fine.."
He placed his hand gently on my cheek, leaning in close to me, his eyes fulled with a compassion I had never been granted, a day in my life. People were watching us but it didn't seem to matter in that moment. I just wanted the comfort of his lips against mine.
Slowly, he leaned in and he kissed me, as gently as he could. I didn't have it in me to deny myself him. Wincing slightly in pain as I did so, I reciprocated his passion, ultimately ignoring the physical discomfort. I didn't want it to end. It felt so right. Nothing had ever felt so right. Like this is the reason I'm alive. I've never felt that before. People were glaring at us, but in that moment, I was invincible.
Eventually, he backed away, taking a deep breath, and looking down
"...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, you're.. you're struggling, I shouldn't have..." Kevin muttered
He looked at me with a blend of emotions. Primarily, shame. He clearly immediately regretted kissing me. Not the action itself, but the timing. He looked as if he felt incredibly guilty. Like he hated that he had done it, but just couldn't hold it in any longer.
I don't want him to feel that way. Truthfully, nothing else could have made me feel the way I do now. From downright miserable to absolutely euphoric. How could anything like that be wrong?
I was drawn to him. In all my confusion, I knew that he was what I wanted. What I needed.
Though still quite a bit stunned, I pulled him back to me, returning his gentle but fervent kiss.
Nothing that felt this way could ever be wrong.
He distinctly smelled of leather and cigarette smoke. The smell of smoke always used to make me feel sick, but ever since I met Kevin, I've come to find it soothing. It reminds me of him. Of feeling safe. Feeling protected. Feeling like things maybe weren't quite as bad as they seemed.
The sunrise was still hitting his face in the most beautiful way possible. Illuminating a small section of his face, reflecting off his eyes, making them look like warm golden rays of sunlight, themselves. With an arm tightly around me, he slowly lit a cigarette, taking his time to drink it in before exhaling the smoke. It was like watching a movie. It all looked so... perfect.