Speaking Without a Mouth (Poetry Collection)

I Wish I Would Have Been First

she's always there haunting me

and keeping me awake

i just wish she would be gone

you told me not to wish

but i promise thats my only one from now on

it's just such a fear that maybe she might come back

and you'll have a revelation

that maybe i'm really not "the best"

because the way you used to describe her

made her to be better than all the rest..

she is so much prettier than me

and we do all the same things

perfect hair, perfect skin

and now a perfect smile too

and she's tall.. it makes me want to ask

"how am i good enough for you?"

if only we'd met when we were young

like it almost feels like we did

i'd never have had to worry about her

or any of the things that you hid

she may think that i took you from her

but i tell you it isnt that way

when i was ready to give you my heart

i just gave myself away

you took the offer, you wanted it bad

and you earned it

but i didn't know i was in for all this

it hit me when i finally learned it

the first time

i thought someone was really all mine

i was horribly wrong

honestly for a while i wanted to end myself

with the soft cry of a sad song

and no one would have heard my heartbreak

not even you, unless i really wanted you to

i didnt sell my soul to him, or i couldnt have given it to you

and in my rain, all i knew, was that the sun shining through.. was you

you see i am still healing from the scars of your every mistake

and even though i made mine too, i still had something for you to take

i want to say you are my first, but i dont think you will agree..

because not that you're fond of it.. but you still have your memory

i wiped the slate clean, and even though i never lied

i wish i hadnt done it. i wish it every single time

i cant take it away, but i can forget

and now its hard to remember, and i dont want to remember it

i wish i could have been your first love

                                           your first kiss

                                           your first something

our love is so true, but i wish i wasnt

                                           your first nothing

i'm sorry that i feel sometimes that i'm not important,

but i've only been in a small part of your life

its really hard to sort it

you make me so happy but you can make me so sad

and i dont mean to hurt you,

you try so hard to take it away and you love me,

honey, i dont doubt you

i just wish i could have been first,

i just wish we could have been kids,

i just wish i could erase the hurts,

sometimes i wish i didnt exist

its not your fault, baby, you stopped

now this is me to blame

with all of the nightmares and other bad dreams

i feel like she's put me to shame

sweetheart i'm in so much pain..

i miss you so much

and i miss you so dearly

i cant wait to celebrate

our anniversarries yearly

i love you so much

and you've always been my crutch

and i still need you for support

i know you get aggravated, but i need you

please baby.. bear with me..