Dancing In His Storm [BxB] √

22.4: Love & Predicament

AUGUST

The waiting game was unbearably long the more that I'm expecting a response and it was killing me from the inside out. I walked around my room just to let a fleeting moment pass by and I even had a short trip throughout the house just to distract myself from the already growing impatience. I know weekends should be a lot more fun and anxiety free, a little break from school and all of the activities was all that everyone needs but here I am still anxious and absolutely not having fun. It's been thirty minutes, almost close to forty since I last sent Ambrose those messages but unfortunately, he hasn't responded yet. I'm getting more and more guilty as the time ticks and I'm afraid that if I don't get any response this morning, I'm going to beat myself up for it. The impatience budding up inside me was starting to grow claws.

I held my phone with such eagerness only to see the last message was still sent by me. Maybe I should just explain the situation to Ambrose rather than waiting for him to respond. Maybe that way he'll be forced to type what's going through his mind and reply to me. The thought seemed to be feasible, just type in everything and press the send button but I want to tell Ambrose everything in person. Face to face, that's what I wanted in order for me to make my point come across as clear as crystal. I want to look at him straight in the eye while I'm telling what happened to let him know that I'm not making things up. I want him to feel that I'm not lying to him and that I just want to say sorry.

Hopelessness caught up to me and I ended up throwing my phone onto the mattress. Maybe Ambrose just needs some time to think and clarify his thoughts. Maybe he needed some time to feel all of the pain that I've dealt. Maybe he needed some time to adjust or perhaps to reset. It was pretty hard to just think about possible scenarios without really having a full grasp of the situation. Nevertheless, I'm going to put all of my coins on every maybe that I could possibly think of. Maybe he was just sleeping and that he'll respond as soon as he wakes up and see my messages. Maybe he'll come around to his senses later today. There are a lot of maybes formed inside my head.

I swallowed all of the eagerness and impatience that I have and decided to take a shower. I had to move on through my day and that's only because I don't have much of control over Ambrose. If he's not yet ready to listen to me then I'm afraid I have to pinch myself and let him be. It took me almost twenty minutes to clean up and when I walked out of the bathroom, the first thing that came to my mind was to check my phone highly hoping to see a message from Ambrose. I got nothing and it was utterly disappointing.

I felt really weak and senseless as the day passed by. It's as if the day was just rolling with me just riding its carriage going nowhere. Lunch came when I'm not even expecting it and I had to cook my own meal. It was just a simple sunny side up egg and some noodles. I ate slowly almost as if I'm sick and I'm in a hospital bed lacking some appetite. After having my solitary lunch, I was forced to do my laundry with my mind still boggled by Ambrose.

The day reeled very much like a slug moving along the pavement. I don't know if it's trying to piss me off by making me savor the moment of the horrible day in a very slow pace and if that's the intention then it's working effectively. The time was moving like a snail and it's even slower than the time that I've been tolerating on my least favorite subject. I kept on checking up my phone, still having this high expectation that Ambrose might finally have responded only to end up in utter disappointment every single time. The thread was just the same from the last time that I opened it. But I wasn't running out of hope. I feel hopeless, that's a fact, but I don't feel like hope was all lost at the very same time.

***

Sunday was pretty much normal, to my family at least. We had a typical family time like how we used to spend it ever since we became a family. I had to push all of my guilt away and forget about Ambrose and Rachel and everything just to be happy with my family. It was hard pushing everything aside like it's not a big matter to attend to. It was even harder to be waiting for a response from someone who might not be interested in me anymore. I had to close my eyes and forcefully hide them just to smile and giggle and share some funny little stories with my parents. I did not regret anything though mostly because the joy and the quality time that I had with my dad and stepmom was all worthy in all fairness. Wednesday's belly was already growing into a bigger bump and for the most part, we argued about some possible names for the baby. We all had some thoughts and I was even surprised that I also suggested a few names. If it's a girl, then she'll be called Winona or Wendy just because it sounded close to Wednesday's name. If it's a boy, then it would probably be Adrian, that's my only suggestion. Even though he had suggested a few boy names, I already know my dad would name him Augustus Junior. It's got to be it. Knowing my dad, he wants the baby to be named right after his name and I'm not into that idea at all. If my dad names him Augustus, then we basically have the same name. Maybe I'll just pray that the baby would be a girl so we don't have to share same name with the letter 'u' and 's' being different.

There was a moment where I had to force a wide smile when they were bothfocused on the fetus inside my stepmom's belly. The fear and jealousy that Ihave about the baby snatching my parents' attention was also killing me. Ididn't want to think about it but I know I'll be forgotten once the baby comesout into this world. I need to shift my perspective and see things through adifferent angle. Maybe by then I've already accepted that I'm going to be theforgotten older brother. Maybe by then I'm going to be okay with being the lessloved child.