Dancing In His Storm [BxB] √

22.1: Love & Predicament

AUGUST

Who would've thought that this house party would turn out to be as interesting, most definitely the most interesting out of all the house party that I've been to. I haven't been to many but this was certainly something that has cracked me to the bones. It's a total wreck and I know I should've seen this coming my way but I did not and it just bulldozed straight ahead. I was so focused on my hidden agenda to let Rachel drink as much alcohol so I could sneak away with Ambrose that it backfired on me. It's as if I pulled the trigger but the bullet had a complete one eighty turn and hit me.

There's this thought that has formed inside my brain and it's the thought that Rachel's been wanting to have a sexual encounter with me. Just by thinking about it, the gayness hidden inside of me was already writhing in total horror and disgust. It sucks playing the straight role and to top it off with a detestable icing, have a girlfriend that everyone's dreaming of.

I can still remember Victoria spilling something about Rachel's plan and I immediately thought that was Rachel's plan. Her little devilish plan was to seduce me and have sex with me. We kind of both have our own plans but I never expected that lascivious act to come from Rachel of all people. Although she had become extremely clingy to me these past few days, I never would've concluded that she would do something like this to me. I should've known that was actually the foreshadowing of her future actions. It's very crystal clear, she's trying her best to seduce me with those little clingy gestures and I never picked it up. I guess I was blind that I didn't think about it sooner. I'm sure the reason why I wasn't paying much attention to that detail was because of the fact that I like guys. If Rachel was a guy and she's trying to seduce me, even the slightest gesture would turn me on.

The night just resumed like a Rachel seducing me or an Ambrose punching me and then kissing Rachel would stop it from rolling ahead. Rachel's way too drunk to care and way too hungry to party that after she drove Ambrose away, she just pulled me back inside the house and she went to grab something to drink. I was already getting anxious but thankfully Rachel doesn't seem to give a single crap about what happened, she never even tried to sit down with me and have a conversation about it, which to me was a huge breath of relief. I get to at least be free of that mental torture. I almost thought things are going to be awkward between me and her but she was acting as if nothing had happened.

If Rachel was letting loose and living her Friday night life, I'm in a different place in my head. I refilled my cup with booze and I didn't know I was a lone statue at the front porch of Victoria's house. I stood still, seemingly frozen on the outside, my eyes were looking away but I was having a quick flash back of how Ambrose kissed Rachel right in front of me. That was something wild and I'm not going to lie that I wasn't shocked at the sight of it. I was, for a fleeting moment, confused by his actions. Ambrose told me that he doesn't like Rachel anymore and for him to blatantly kiss her just planted some questions in my head. However, those thoughts and questions were rapidly squashed to ashes when I realized Ambrose was looking at me directly while kissing Rachel. I'm not dumb and so I immediately knew he did that on purpose.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I know I hurt Ambrose when he saw me about to kiss Rachel and I don't know if there's a way to save the relationship that I have with him. I know I fucked up. I fucked up really bad. I drank the rest of my alcohol and thought I needed more. I wanted to get wasted tonight and if that means I have to drink lots of booze then I would. I walked back inside the house and everyone's still up and groovy, perfectly letting me know that the night was indeed, quite young. Most of them were already tipsy and somehow I was jealous of that. I refilled my cup once again and decided to immerse myself into the crowd. I was dancing along with the crowd and for a while, I was enjoying it until I noticed everyone has their own partner. Some of them were kissing, some of them were in groups and I was the lone wolf. I may not have tried to force myself into some groups and that's because I know I was just part of that shenanigan a while ago. I slowly retreated back to the empty couch and forced myself to sit down.

I felt rather stupid for thinking that this was the group of people that I belonged with and I'm pertaining to Rachel's clique of popular chicks. I liked all of the partying stuff normally because we're all teenagers and that's we're all about. But tonight was a journey for me and I'm going through some realizations that I should've done a few weeks ago. Victoria, Nicole and Rachel all seemed to have forgotten about me which was a total bummer. I may be popular but I don't think there are people here who wants to hang out with me when I'm so busy playing that one straight dude who's less annoying and more calm.

I saw Jessie and his own circle of friends and they were just apologetically themselves. Especially Jessie, he's all oiled up in pure confidence that I'm disgustingly jealous of him. How can he be so out and proud and I'm scared to even come out of the closet? He's all dolled up, they're all dressed according to their style and I feel like that's actually the kind of group that I belonged to. Alyssa, Blair and Lily were the coolest friends that I want to hang out with. I'm starting to think about coming out of the closet and just let everyone know that I'm in fact, gay. The idea, when written on paper, appeared so easy to execute but then I began to think about the possible repercussions. People might perceive me as a deceitful prick. I'm not as flamboyant as Jessie and people might just think that I'm just playing them. People might even get disgusted by me. I don't know, there are endless possibilities but I'm not that confident to take the risk.

I fished my phone out of my pocket and thought of calling Ambrose just to check up on him. He was pushing me away and I do understand what he's currently going through after witnessing an act of betrayal. That's it. He might be thinking that I betrayed him and somehow, I did betray him, but not because of what I did with Rachel, but it was because I let him walk away without even trying hard to pursue him. I know he drove me away but he was in pain and that's what you do when you're hurting. I believe that it's my job to chase him and force him to listen to my explanation whether he likes it or not. We haven't been together in a full week and we sort of lost the connection that we were building in between. Ambrose deserved to hear my side of the story, and more than that, I had all of the rights to elaborate the complexity of the situation.

I know I won't sleep well tonight knowing the fact that I just let everything slip out of my hands. I pressed the dial button and waited for Ambrose to answer. The phone just kept ringing for several minutes until the system automatically ended the call itself. I had to redial Ambrose's phone number once again and the same thing happened. He's not picking it up. I didn't give up and just kept on blowing up his phone until the moment that I couldn't reach him anymore.

I felt horrible. I looked around the house and I saw Victoria's doingher own thing. She's already wasted, even more wasted than the last time wepartied. You can just look at her face, perhaps slap her hard and you canclearly tell she's not going to remember any of it the next morning. Nicole onthe other hand was missing in action, like she's that one friend who alwaysgoes missing. I don't want to be the one thinking it but she might be doingsome miracles with Marlon again but that's not my problem. And then there'sRachel, she basically attacked me earlier and I thought I'm going to be forced tohave sex with her but I guess in a way, Ambrose popping up into the sceneperfectly prevented my nightmare.