Dancing In His Storm [BxB] √

21.5: The Shadows of Betrayal

AMBROSE

I know myself and I know for a fact that I don't cry, not because crying is for the weak but because I like to think that I'm tough enough and that I can take a lot of things without resulting to a pitiful break down. However, after how everything had piled up unexpectedly, tonight's going to be a whole different story for me. Tears just began cascading down on my cheeks giving me this notion that I've reached my limit. I don't even know I have a limit in the first place, but tonight was a ballooning testament that I can only take certain things at once.

My chest felt heavier than usual and I feel like I can't breathe properly. Still leaning against the door, I hugged my knees like it was the only thing I have for tonight, and that's honestly the underlying truth. I only have me, myself and I for the rest of this agonizing night. My head's bombarded with so many thoughts, one after the other, and I couldn't keep things together. I haven't turned on the lights yet and I sat down in the darkness of my room as I deeply pondered about the things that have happened a few hours ago. I'm already flying pleasurably high on the thought that me and August will be hanging out and to find him about to have sex with someone else was just complete treachery. I felt the shadows of betrayal creeping up on me and the feeling was undesirably unpleasant but I couldn't do anything. I'm crippled up to the point where I couldn't even just take August with me without creating a huge problem. I'm not even August's boyfriend to be the one standing on the right side of the trench.

I don't know if I'm going to continue my pursuit of August anymore. I still like him and that small seed of feeling is growing day after day, hour after hour. I don't want to wait for the day that I'd just grow out of it but the odds, wherever they may be, seemed to be throwing me the hardest of things towards my path in pursuit of love. I don't know if that's to challenge me or if that's just to push me further towards rock bottom. Maybe the odds had created this notion to throw me challenge every step of the way. Fuck them odds!

I continued sobbing like a kid and I feel heavier for the first time in forever. As a child, I'm not a crybaby mostly because someone in the household had inadvertently taught me how to be tougher than shell. Maybe now I'm growing backwards.

I'm starting to doubt if August still like me more than Rachel, judging by how things are rolling. What does Rachel have that I don't? Money? I'm sure my family's richer than Rachel's but that's not it. Fame? I'm sure everyone knows who I am and I may be infamous rather than famous but that's still tied with fame and popularity. I'm pretty sure that's not it. Perhaps August's really straight and he might just be going through the path of confusion guided my entire existence. I planned on clearing this thing up with him, perhaps I could ask him about his sexuality. Perhaps we're both going through the very same adventure of confusion and sailing through uncharted waters. However, after the unfortunate turn of events, I'm not sure if I'd get the chance to have a private moment with him again. I think Rachel truly owns him and I'm not going to stand a single chance.

"Fuck!" I muttered under my breath. My nose was already beginning to get clogged up and there were some mucus sliding down from both holes. I wiped them out with the hem of my suit.

Kissing Rachel on the other hand was just my attempt to plant pain and a whole list of questions inside August's head. I don't know if it worked.

I felt my phone buzz from my pocket and by the time I fished it out to freedom, it was already mad ringing. August was calling and although I felt a short rush of relief and excitement, I'm not on the right mindset to even pick up the phone call. I glued my eyes on the phone screen for a long moment without even planning on answering the call. I just stared at it with a blank thought and a few tears dropped on the screen. My vision became blurry and I ended up throwing my phone onto my bed. The phone finally ceased from ringing and I thought August has finally decided to stop bothering me but after a few seconds, he was blowing up my phone again.

I clenched my head as an attempt to keep my sanity together. I'm trying to make myself feel better and I thought perhaps August was calling to say sorry or better yet, to explain his side of the story. But what is there to elaborate? It's pretty clear that he's about to have sex with the most popular girl in town. It's pretty clear the he's going at it with the most coveted girl in school. Every guy has at least dreamt of kissing Rachel and I know that for sure because I was once a guy who dreamt of dating her.

I don't know if I'm gullible enough to pick up the phone but I happen to have a pinch of pride in me and it's more than enough to put the needed control all over me. After a few minutes of waiting for my phone to stop ringing, I've finally had enough of August's constant attempt to reach out to me. I propped myself up, wiped off my tears with the hem of my suit and quickly turned on the lights before eventually snatching my phone and turning it off.

"I can't deal with you right now," I spat at the phone and threw it back on the bed.

I walked in front of the mirror and scrutinized my messed up face. I stopped crying for a while but I looked like I haven't had enough sleep for days. My eyes were all red and I feel the alcohol that I had consumed earlier just vanished from my system. I still can still smell the booze from my mouth but I feel sober enough. I started taking off my clothes until I'm fully naked. I grabbed a towel and brought myself towards the bathroom.

The sound of the warm shower was just like a quieter background beat compared to the blaring noise inside my head. I feel like the thing between me and August wasn't working. We've been sneaking out and throughout those times I've only felt butterflies in my stomach. I don't know if that's the same feeling that August was having but I never saw or noticed any signs of him being uncomfortable.

I should've just asked him to choose between me and Rachel. I should've just the question out of my mouth. I tried my best to stop thinking about August and for a while it worked. I managed to take a shower in partial peace but by the time I got out, I heard my mom and my dad yelling at each other. A part of me thought my dad had already told her about the divorce but then I know that my dad wants me to be part of the conversation.

I thought I'm only thinking of August and our entire situation but little did I know, this family drama was also weighing me down to the core. Everything's crumbling down right in front of me and I don't have any power over them. I don't have any power to change anything. It's like my entire body was tied tight, my feet and hands are chained and even my neck was choked and I was watching everything go down in flames.

Waiting for the mercy of sleep to come and rescue me was the hardest. My head was already combusting in exhaustion but there are still a lot of thoughts gallivanting around making sure that I'm perturbed. There's the thought of August, and then there was Rachel and to make it three, there's the entire family drama. For some time, I distracted myself by playing some mobile games and somehow it worked until I fell asleep.