[曦澄 | XiCheng][MDZS Modern AU]: All The Things I Never Told You [~PART 1~]

〽️👁‍🗨 Chapter 149: Loops.

Link: https://www.facebook.com/ILoveHimOfficial/photos/a.266887993671814/1764427017251230/

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[the 2nd - the 3rd of January]

Jiang Cheng truly had no memory how he got home that night. 

He preferred walking on foot in the frosty night, unafraid that anyone might jump him. In a way, he was itching for some physical confrontation, some contact. Ever since he confessed to Lan Xichen, he had avoided being touched by anyone else; he generally didn't quite like being touched.

His mind was too busy with memories of the past. People who had been in his life for months or years, his childhood years, his school years; also his art. Somehow, it all didn't quite manage to present itself as tangible to his brain, and he needed to feel someone, to feel that he himself was real,  that he was still there,  still alive.

He sighed. 

He just missed his lover too much. Wen Ning had been a refreshing change tonight, in his thundering silence, but he was no adequate substitute, for sure. San Ji was coming back on the evening of the 5th, not because he had to, but because he was gossip-starved as far as Jiang Cheng's love life was concerned, and he was super curious about the TV interview Lan Xichen was about to give.

He grunted. 

He could not do this, not for the world! Show himself on TV was the last thing he would ever do, ever in his life! But Lan Huan didn't seem to mind; he liked being watched... being... adored... being loved.

In his own way, the young lawyer was clingy and thirsty, just like him. But his thirst, his hunger  was for a bigger, greater love and adoration. And, in his darkest hours, Jiang Wanyin wondered whether he was capable of satisfying that thirst. After all, he was just one man... a defective one at that.

He kicked a small pebble on his path angrily. 

He was a fool!  A-Li was right! Lan Xichen needed something more... something better! Something... grand!  And he... he was a petty criminal...

A murderer.

Sulking terribly, he unlocked the front door and started up the stairs, stomping his feet petulantly. 

In a way, it was a good thing that they were apart for a while. It cleared the mind, and gave perspective  –  this break they were taking from each other. But it also woke up suspicions and doubts, and his heart ached. 

He truly didn't want to be jealous, no. He trusted Lan Huan more than anyone else, more than his sister even, probably. Yet... being surrounded by entertainment and partying people was... it was... tempting... 

And, after all, everyone in town knew the elder Lan son as a bohemian, and a libertine.

- Dammit! I hate this!!!

He didn't quite care to take a shower tonight. What for? Who for?

- I'm not gonna call him. I am not! If he calls me, I'm not gonna pick up either! I wanna be sure he's missing me...  -  he almost sobbed in his pillow.  –  I need to know he is missing me more than I'm missing him! The idiot...

But it was past 4 a.m., and then it was almost 5, and his heart betrayed him. Half-asleep, he typed a quick message, sad and desperate, corroded by the terror that Lan Huan might never come back to him, might never want to touch him again, despicable as he was  –  and he might return to the city just to tell him they were done, and move on to his next lover... It was known to have happened before.