Elevator love merder

Help me

-What the hell are you doing here? You have an extremely important exam in a week, i've heard. It will define your entire career. So unless you are not inside of an OR, or you are not waiting for an incoming trauma, you are learning. So go revise! Now! - she sent us to the locker room.
-I need Callie's cards...-Christina yawned hopping down.
-Mer, don't you want them? -Alex asked me.
-Of course i do, but...
-But what? You are not telling us something.-Izzie joined in.
-I have Derek's old notes..-i confessed.
-They aren't as good as I imagine Callie's are, but they are great. I will pass the exam with them. - i was confident.
-Well it seems like you giving dirty sex every night to your boss, has an advantage...-Alex teased me.
-Actually, my boss's boss. - i showed him an evil smile, winning the fight.
-Can we use them? -George asked hopefully.
-Yeah. Just tell me which one you are taking. - i nodded of course.
-No, I don't want some neurosurgeon's cards, i need the best. - Christina opposed
-Detto! - Alex added. I just sat down after pulling the notes out of my locker, and started revising. I mostly already knew the stuff, that was written there, but it is always good to refresh it a little. For example i didn't remember a quite difficult procedure, which i have once already assessed to.
-I am going for the cards.

-Were you a genius at the end of intern year? - i asked when Derek came into the intern locker room.
-Your notes. Super organised, and made in a good manner. - i smiled hugging him, getting up from the ground. We were sitting in a circle, leaning against the lockers, asking each other some questions.
-You know..Took some time until i became this talented. - he was bragging, but i saw something strange on his face. His Mcdreamy smile seemed less honest than it normally does.
-What a modest man - i breathed him in hugging, when i felt my friend's eyes on us.
-Mer you need to continue studying! Your modest man's notes need to be revised...- Izzie said teasing us.
-Fine..How is your day? - i asked turning towards him one last time.
-Bad...Better now. - he sighed.
-Want to talk? - i put a worried look on my face.
-Later. It's okay, stay. - he said sending a sign that he needs to talk, just not in front of my friends who were listening to our conversation. I tried comforting him with just what i had, and let him put his head in the crook of my neck, let him breath me in.
He pulled away after a short minute, letting me back, but i held his head and kissed his lips softly, making him relax for a little. My friend's eyes were burning the back of mine, but i didn't care. I just held my lips in place on his, not even moving. Not kissing him, not pecking his lips, just touching them. I rested my hand in his dark brown hair, slightly pulling on the longer ones. I stole ourselves another moment without the curious looks of my friends, by turning us over, so i was facing them. I touched his lips again softly. His breathing became heavier, and he pulled away, letting me go. I saw the sadness in his eyes as he let go of me, closing the door behind himself.
-Is he okay, Mer? - Izzie asked worried, not even caring to show the look of that she hadn't listened to our conversation.
-I don't know. Maybe...I think so.. I'll talk to him in the evening. - i answered getting back to my papers. His papers. Our papers.

When i got home in the evening, i felt good about my day. I didn't have any OR time, but i finished a bigger chapter in revising.
I heard the doorbell ring, and hurried over there, opening it, and i payed for the pizza i had ordered earlier. My friends were watching a movie in the living-room.
-Want some guys? - i asked closing the door.
-Yeah, please. - George asked for a piece. I put one on a late for everybody, and i was waiting for Derek to get home. I didn't forget that something was bothering him. I started watching the film with my friends about something. I didn't really pay attention to it, but it was a great thing to do after the day we've had. When the front door opened a Derek figure entered, pulling off his coat. I greeted him, and offered a piece of pizza. He took it thankfully, following me into the kitchen.
-How was your day? - he asked taking a bite.
-Okay...Studied, and didn't have any surgeries. But...want to talk about yours? - i asked him making eye-contact.
-Today..is the anniversary...The anniversary of my ... father's death... - i listened to him quietly, going a step closer, and sitting down to the table, next to him.
I was quiet, and kept looking into his eyes.
-Today...A man was brought in...he needed brain surgery. A guy with a family. Three kids, wife who were waiting for him to get out of the OR, healthy, ready to continue his life... I...I opened him up, and started doing the emergency craniotomy. Halfway through the guy coded. Couldn't save him...I know sometimes it's not...It cannot be avoided. And with the date today... Nearly 30 years ago, but still. I had to tell his wife...his kids that he coded. That he is gone .... - he kept a break, when Alex entered. I didn't even know he was in the house currently. Alex looked at me holding Derek's hand, next to him, listening carefully to him. My friend quickly rescued himself from the kitchen, leaving us both in there, uninterrupted again.
-That he won't be back. Oldest kid barely twelve...You know..It is just not ... easy. Sometimes. - he finished, staring to the sink, making it the centre of his attention.
I could've said that i am terribly sorry. I could've said that it was not his fault. I could've said that i am sure he misses him. I could've said that it must've been hard growing up without a dad. But he knew these, and i knew these. Probably i should've turned his attention to something else, but instead i did the complete opposite.
-What was he like?
-He...i was the only boy in the family except him. He took me fishing and taught me to take care of girls. He always took me with work with him, so we could spend quality time together. He...he supported me in everything. In things my mother didn't. He would've loved you. - he pulled me in his lap. I put my legs on the two sides of him, letting him put his head into the crook of my neck again. Seemed like it was his favourite place today. I didn't say anything, just tried helping him with my presence. He kept hovering over me, and we sat like that for long. I lost track of time, enjoying his warmth, and trying to help him come over the deep point. I knew exactly the feeling that was in him. Happened to me several times, and i knew the best way of comfort is simple. Someone entered the kitchen, but i didn't open my eyes. I heard the tap open, and a glass was filled by water. Someone who came in closed the door behind himself. When my stomach grumbled reminding me that I haven't eaten since the morning, Derek pulled away.
-Thank you. - he said kissing me once.
-You don't have to thank anything. I didn't do anything.
-You did. More thank you think.