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with a deep, hesitated breath he pressed the call button, praying that she'd pick up. he was surprised when he heard her ringtone somewhere in his condo and followed the sound with big, wanderlust steps. it lead him to their shared bedroom, looking at the phone that was about to fall off the bedside table. due to its repeated vibrations and buzzing.
why'd she leave without it?
she's never done this, because she knows how anxious he gets whenever he isn't able to get in touch with her.
maybe that could be why she left it here?
johnny's concern increased tremendously and with his head whirling low he returned to his previous position on the couch, hugging his legs close to his chest, which felt tighter with every breath he took; he knew this feeling all too well. like the walls were closing in on him.
tears of distress pooled in his eyes, silently slipping down his flushed bright pink cheeks. wiping the first ones away, shortly after they didn't stop running he just let them flow down. deep breaths turned into choked gasps as he desperately tried to remember the things his therapist told him to do, but he knew they wouldn't help him during a severe moment such as now. his source of calmness was currently out in the streets of wild toronto, alone, without someone to protect her, without him.
maybe she's so upset with me that she won't even come back? what if this was the last time i spoke to her? what if she realised that i wasn't worth all the drama and the lack of privacy?
the voice in his head multiplied and become more demanding, blocking it out was impossible. johnny rocked himself out of distress; he had a dull thump and ache in his chest, every heavy breath felt like hundreds of needles piercing his lungs. even with the familiar sound of her house keys his breathing didn't calm down, it got even progressively worse.
gonna break up with me now. i fucked up, and she's had enough of you, he thought.
choking on one of his gasps and started coughing, blurred vision and he was so lightheaded that he felt like passing out any second. vividly, he felt the gleam of his girlfriend approaching him, moving closer until she sat right in front of him. her voice was muffled because his mind wouldn't allow him to think things other than how disgusting he was; his own gasps, sobs and coughs were ringing in his ears. violently tugged on his hairs that hung in his face, trying to ground himself, to force himself to find focus again, only making him feel much worse. his scalp was burning and his throat was raw after his fit of coughs. her tiny hands tried to gently loosen the death grip he had on his hair as she pressed sweet kisses against his wet, flushed cheeks and mumbled soothing, affectionate words in his ear. it was almost therapeutic, no one could calm him down the way she always did.
"'m s-o s-sorry", he croaked out and pulling her into his shaking, clumsy body. he craved her warmth, the calm sensation around her, her soft touch. he craved her.
"shh, it's okay, honey. i'm sorry that i snapped at you that way. you didn't deserve it either", she replied, her lips still ghosting over his tearstained cheekbones. some of the blood rushing away.
"i do deserve it. 'm a terrible boyfriend. you've been nothing but supportive and i didn't even realise how badly i've treating you lately.. if you came here to get your things and break up with me i totally understand that, because –"
"what?"
johnny pulled his face slightly away from her chest, carefully glancing up at her. worry was traced in her slightly swollen eyes and her lips were forced into a frown. "why would i break up with you, john?"
"i told you, i've been a shitty fucking boyfriend and you deserve to be treated with nothing but love, kindness, and somehow i always fail to do so. at least that's what they all say."
even though he whispered the last part she still understood every word, her frown unintentionally deepening for his tortured soul.
"they know nothing about you and me, baby. us against the world, remember?"she questioned without hesitation. she noticed that recently, that johnny was taking the opinion of others way too serious. letting fuck with his head; letting their hateful words cloud his mind. that was his one flaw, sometimes he just cared too much about the most unimportant things and people's opinions that didn't matter. didn't help their case that he felt like a burden every time he slipped back into this dark place, he just hated making her have worry about him.
they sat together in a peaceful silence for a few minutes, simply listening to each other's slow breaths with closed eyes. it was reassuring, johnny's anxiety attack still wasn't completely over, the smallest things could bring him to it again. his broad shoulders were slouched and his back muscles looked as if they have been tense and aching after sitting in that uncomfortable position for hours. eventually johnny broke the silence, with his voice soft, getting choked up.
"it was never my intention to hurt you, it was the last thing that i wanted to do. i'm sorry for the pain i've caused you – us, our relationship. i should've talked to you, it was wrong to shut you out. i swear on my life, i'll do better in the future, because babygirl, i don't know what it's like to be you, but i'm dying to."
