"no! god dammit open this fucking door!" the door now has a hole in it from his fist constantly pounding in it repeatedly. i'm curled up in my own ball on the floor sulking in my own tears. the more i hear his voice, the more the image of his head in between makenzie's legs reruns through my mind.
"i can't be in a relationship knowing that i'm not good enough when i've been told that my whole life. and you fucking knew that!" apparently the more he heard my voice, the more he tried to kick the door in. through his angry cries.
"i know i did, you don't think i hate myself enough for this!" like fighting fire with fire. we were both being overly stubborn, johnny was a bit more vulnerable.
"i wish you'd just die! just die in hell so i never have to see you again!" a bit extreme, but once i said it the knob ripped back and forth, no point in stopping.
"what did you just say?!" his voice almost cracks, i can tell he's crying. not your usual crying, these sobs are hard. all at the sight of losing me.
"i said i want you to die!" something i so didn't mean. the door swings open and slams against the wall, guessing he picked the lock. toxic, if this relationship wasn't toxic then it was nothing.
i can hear his hard breathing as he stands over me, hovering over the ball that i am. curled up in my own body on the cold wooden floor. his hot hand touches my sobbing body.
"don't fucking touch me!" my voice almost breaks from already screaming and fighting so much. having no idea what cheating does to a person, because he's the one that's done it.
"just let me hold you one last time!" he cries, making my body weak all over. i hid my face, i'm sure he knew full well that i was crying, i couldn't let him see. "since you want me to die, fuck i'll go get hit by a bus right now! fuck i'll put a gun to my head, and blow my brains out! kill myself! that's what you want, you want me to die! i'll do anything you want, anything you tell me!"
his words, gruesome, and really broke another place in my heart. one that really hit home. a bane of guilt washes over me, and he takes every opportunity to hold me.
i'm in his arms, much like a baby. his warm scent smelled like everything i wanted and needed.
"i didn't mean it!" i cried. " i-i didn't mean it!" i almost yell louder than the first. "i didn't fucking mean it!" i cry into his bare chest. my guilt struck me down, i regret the words that slipped out of my mouth. my nails clamp down against his back, scratching at his flesh to reassure him that i really didn't mean it.
he sort of rocked me back and forth in a sad motion. "shh, baby." at this point we were both sobbing messes, crying in each other's arms. our tears forming one big puddle. "i-i didn't mean it either. if i could take it back in a fucking heart beat i would!" he cried. he made no move to bring the cheating situation back up.
"truth is i'm in fucking love with you and i couldn't stop myself so i did that! i didnt mean it, and you weren't here so i couldn't tell you how i felt!" i sniffle, but listen to his words. his lips connect to my my ear, a way to calm me, as it always did.
"and god dammit babygirl i have never wanted another girl more in my life. you're mine and if i can't have you no one can!" he sobs into my hair. "i'll make fucking sure of that!" he paused not sure how to bring the breaking up problem back up. burden almost.
"i c-can't loose you, i could n-never." he begins. "you're all i have and all i want." i'm assuming he wants me to speak, i do and my voice is as hoarse as its ever been.
"i...i just don't know how we'll ever be able to get over this. mostly m-me." my sobs were still uncontrollable at the fact that he was still even in this bedroom holding me. after i said i hated him, i didn't want to see him, after i slapped him, and even after i wished that he'd die. he must truly love me.
"we will work our problems out together, i will talk about things with you as much as you'd like me too. as much as you'd let me." he croaks, and i grasp onto him tighter. "i won't leave. i broke one promise, so i can't mess this one up!"
"but johnny, you cheated. i don't know how i'll be able to let you back in, fuck you were the only person that i did let in. you were the only person that i trusted, the only person that i poured all of my feelings out to. it hurts." most heartbreaking moment we'd both endured. "you don't know how much, you cheating has messed with my mind."
"you don't have to trust me yet baby. i'll do anything in this world to earn your trust back." his hand caresses my cheek.
"god, just please, please, please don't leave me. i understand if you can't find it in your heart now to forgive me because i honestly don't deserve for you to. and i don't deserve you.
"i did deserve when you slapped me though, it was like a wake up call. i was like damn i really just cheated on the girl that i'm infatuated with and tried to cover it up by asking her to join us. i'm an asshole, i fucking hate myself for it." genuinely i could tell that i'd hurt him, but this wasn't some hurt game about who'd hurt one another worse. this was playing with each others already broken hearts.
"y-you shouldn't hate yourself. everything i did was out of anger, i apologize, i really do. this cheating shit has really just fucked my head up." he pulled my hair behind my ear, trying to comfort me in every way. i wanted to be fully there, trying to gain everything from this moment. truth is i probably didn't deserve him.
"but i do because i hurt the person i love the most. and i'm so fucking sorry. i'll bring you to therapy or we could go to couples therapy if it means that you're okay and we're okay." i'm calm now, and i realize that i actually want to be in his arms. i actually listened to him, and didn't try leaving. mainly because i didn't have it in me the whole time to fight with him anymore.
"so does this mean that i can't break up with you?" i kind of giggle, knowing i want happy and the mood in the room was melancholy.
"yes." fucking idiot i was i took him back again.
"babygirl just know that i only love you. and it's always been you."
we were bad for each other, but we needed each other.
delilah, i'm sure she hadn't ran her bath water yet. confused as to why we were arguing but never came to see. probably preoccupied on her ipad.
love, strong word.
yo sorry if there r mistakes bc there usually is anyway bc i never go back and fix them bc i assume u guys know what i mean, but i'm trying to be better about going fix them bc i sound like i'm retarted and don't know what i'm talking about. and i dead ass just wanted to have this part up already for you guys. this part means a lot to me. love u.🖤
