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the white warped chair, went with my matching vanity. i sat in it, catching me on my way falling down. there for my weak body, that had no hopes in feeling differently.
his long fingers, roughly pulled a makeup wipe out of the baby blue container that i usually kept them in.
gently patting at my lipstick first, wiping away at the dark redness that was once around my mouth. moving to my eyelids, rubbing light eyeshadow. looking at the amount that seemingly piled onto the soft wipe. tears fell, not ordinary tears. they were tears from allowing myself to get the way that i certainly am now.
johnny's last move was wiping the foundation off, the off shade looked nothing like my skin. only used for covering up my reddish acne scars that he somehow looked past. i didn't, reason being.
he softly placed his large hands underneath my arm pits, lifting me up onto the bed. continuing to sob intentionally. undressing me, and stripping me to nothing. seeing me cry, allowed a few tears to slip from his own eyes. normally, he's one to stay strong through it all.
him, carrying my frail body into the bathroom across from us he seats me on the toilet seat. clad in a pair of black jeans and a red shirt, he walks over to the bathtub. porcelain as it was, mixing cold with hot water ensuring that it was warm enough for me.
"you'll be able to tell me all about it while i bathe you," he saunters, breathing heavy as he kneels in front of me.
"i-i don't want you to bathe me," i whisper, "i want you to hold me."
his angel was broken.
causing him to feel a tremendous amount of guilt because he thought he could fix it, he thought he could help.
"okay sweetheart," he says, stammering back over to the bathtub and turning the water off.
johnny undressed, keeping eyes on me seated naked and waiting for his comfort.
lighting few candles, he placed them around the bathtub. flickering the lights off and slowly grabbing me by my waist. guiding the way and holding my fragile body like i'd brake in half if he dropped me.
the dark was soothing, he got into the warm water first, holding my hand so that i wouldn't fall on my way in. i took one step, standing in the water. johnny opened his legs for me to sit in between them and i did just that. swiveling sounds.
his hand massages circular motions on my pale back, easing the slow suffering.
snaking his arms around my waist, his vein linked hands meet at my stomach. holding me tightly against his chest, what i asked for.
"tell me angel," he mumbles. "what's been bothering you."
his voice makes me cry louder, screaming for him to hear me. my words were there but only came out as sobs.
vanilla scented candles filling up the only hope that was left for me.
"shh, shh.." he pulls my hands away from my face and wipes them with the calloused pad of his thumb. "don't cry."
placing a reassuring plump kiss to the back of my neck.
"i'm here," he reminds, his shaking hands gently pushed my hair out of my face.
only shaking, because he's knows i'm in deep pain. it's as if he's reaching his hand out for me and i can't quite grasp it.
"john?" i cry quietly. feeling myself convulse and rip apart.
"baby," he murmurs into my hair. "i'm right here, this will not get better if you don't tell me. i know it's hard for you."
give me all of you, in exchange for me.
"i'm outside of my misery, this stress and unstable pain has gotten to be so much i.. i-i can't do it anymore. i don't want to be here anymore, kind of like death is calling my name because i can't do anything right. so why be here, my life is joke," more, but i can't continue.
tiny pecks are peppered all places that he can reach as i speak.
"babygirl," he starts. "your life is not and never will be a joke. i may not understand the exact way that you feel, but i try my damn best to put myself in your shoes. that's what no one does is try to relate to your emotions. but i will, and i will continue to do that. if your life was a joke then i'd be a joke too." clearing his throat.
"this life that you and i share together, everyday is a truly valuable and cherishing moment. it could be take away from either one of us. i don't want you to spend time dwelling on people who've hurt you in the past. i'm here now and i'll never hurt you." sobbing less now, but his words can't sink in. i'm faced with the harsh reality that is life.
"john, but it's like i'm drowning in my tears, i cry when you're not around but today i couldn't fucking hold it in anymore. it hurts, baby and i just want it to end." i began crying harder, with numerous rubs and shushes from johnny.
"it won't end, pain is my friend and pain takes over constantly. not letting me br-eathe." choking on air, practically hyperventilating.
"baby," he's concerned, "please, baby, stop and calm down."
allowing myself to breathe, him allowing me breathe.
"the pain in my heart won't end," i sob. "i'm worthless and i can't keep love at all. i'm the only one stressed, since i'm such a disgrace to everyone i come across why not let myself end."
"that's where you are most definitely wrong my baby. you have all my love and have given myself to you. i've not once in my life opened up to another soul like yours.
yours is perfect.
and if you're a disgrace. so be it, you'll be my beautiful disgrace. i won't ever let you think differently, babygirl. you have to come to me anytime you feel like this or in general, if you don't tell me it'll only get worser." the little freckle underneath johnny's bottom lip aided and helped for me to understand where he was coming from.
johnny peers wide eyed at his love, thinking in what ways he could heal his broken angel.
