"what are these from?" my curious self asked, referring to the scars he had on his hip bones. i ran my fingers gently over the rough skin.
his hand moved down quickly, grabbing my wrist and pushing me off of him. leaving me to fall on the hard wooden floor of our bedroom.
"i'm leaving." in one swift motion, i gathered myself off of the floor. he pushed his collapsed body off of the bed and protectively wrapped his arms around my waist.
"baby i'm sorry." i held back my tears. his cold hand made my hot body retract.
"let me go." he held me closer, and pressed his face in the crook of my neck. thumbs making circular motions on either hip. "there's no since in living with you anymore. you never tell me anything. its fucking stupid that my so called boyfriend can't even talk to me. today's the day that i've officially had enough." i huffed when his hand covered my mouth to stop me from talking.
"if i tell you the things you want to know or things you've heard about, you won't look at me the same." he whimpered and groaned in my neck, sending vibrations throughout my body.
"johnny. baby. i've looked at you the same way since the day i met you. if i don't understand the things that you tell me, then make me understand. you can't just give up on me like that, i've never given up on you. right now i'd really like to because you're being so stubborn, but i'm not because i know you johnny. you don't tell me anything. you won't let me in. i want to know how you're feeling, and things from your past. it makes you the person you are today." he buried his face deeper. he didn't cry in front of me. i didn't know if this would be the first.
"i don't tell you for that reason, y/n. i hate myself, the person i am today. if i could go back in time i would change everything that happened in my life except for the day i met you. you can't love me, i'm helpless." my heart fell out of my chest and shattered on the floor. my poor baby. at this point i'd forgotten he pushed me on the floor previously.
"babe i love everything about you. i can love you. i'm telling you that i always will. you mean everything to me, i would never think anything less of you john." his whimpers continued. my tone grew soft and i ran my fingers through tuffs of his bed hair. his head lay in the crook of my neck, unable to move. holding me tight, like he'd loose me if i took a step away.
"i'm a monster that can't be saved. you can't love a monster and i will refuse to let you love me if i can't love you back. i'm everything you don't need. you have a lot going for you and i'm just not in those plans." i felt his breath become unsteady and uneven. his lips brushed up against the skin of my neck.
"you're everything i want and everything i need. you're in all of my plans and i can't have anything going for me if i don't have you. i will love you. don't put yourself down. that's what i will not let you do. i need you to tell me, you have to open up to me. this is going to break us." i can't loose him.
"i'm worthless and the stories behind these scars show why. i didn't want to bring my past into my future. me. i will be the reason we break up, it's not the easiest for me to open up. you're the only person i've been this close to in a long while." light sniffles inhaled through his nose. my arms fell onto his that were still wrapped around me.
"take your time baby. i won't rush you. i know you're in pain... you have to open up to me eventually. what we have is special and i won't just let that fade away my love." i calmed him by moving my hands back and rubbing the skin on his hips bones where the scars were. he wasn't comfortable with his shirt off and tonight was the first night he'd taken it off since we'd been together. i guess i pushed it when i asked him what they were from, i though he'd just tell me. i didn't know it would damage him this bad.
after about thirty more minutes of us standing on the floor by our bed and of me grazing the skin of his hips bones, he spoke.
"im...im not okay with my past angel." he sat back onto the bed, taking me with him. sitting in his lap. he pulled my hair behind my ear. his face still buried itself in the crook of my neck, it's like it was his comfort spot. he did this any time he wanted to get my attention, when he felt lonely, sad, not himself. right now would be all of those emotions balled into one.
"these scars. they made me the unlovable person that i am today. the only thing that i've told you so far is that my dad cheated on my mom when i was little. that made her feel alone, when he left it was the end of her. this is what you don't know." he paused, gulping hardly. his voice wavered into my skin. i shook my head in reassurance, for him to continue.
"she met another man. his name was jerry. he used to beat me, when my mom told him to. he took advantage of me, and watched me bleed. these scars are from when jerry would go to the bar and leave my mom at home. my mom would get so angry she would try to self harm. when i went into the bathroom to try and stop her. she called me a little bastard and cut me instead. my hip bones are scared because of it. she left me there to find jerry at night. i was at home, having to attend to my own bleeding. i was only nine years old i didn't know how and i didn't know any better. when i was seventeen i got money by singing on the street. people would pass by and drop money in my guitar case. i left that house as soon as i got enough money and courage to. then my life felt like it had purpose when i saw this stunning girl in a music store one day. she stayed with me and has been my rock." my neck filled with wetness, he sobbed. i couldn't cry i had to be strong for him.
"baby. im so sorry. i didn't know any of that. you are a man, it takes a real man to go through those things. i don't think anything differently of you my love. the past is the past. you are safe now, you have me and i will make sure that no one comes near you like that. i know you'd no the same for me. i'm truly sorry. i don't know what it's like to have gone through that, but my baby i know what it's like to be with you now. we've been together almost a year baby boy. i don't regret any of it. you didn't deserve that. that girl that you met in that music shop, really loves you." the sadness in his face, made my heart fall out of my chest again. "you are so strong, johnny. i think the most of you. i'd never belittle you my love. youre my sunrise on the darkest days." i felt his smile chime in on the skin of my neck.
"thank you for listening. it means so much that you're the person i can share this with. you're the only person i would want to share this with. you my world, and i think the world of you angel." he placed a light kiss underneath my chin.
yooo babies. this is kinda dark. no johnny's life is not like this his parents are happily married and the orlando family are the most humble people you'll ever meet. john deserves the world and he's so precious. i hope this never happens to anyone. there should be more updates today so be on the look out. if there is mistake i'll have to go back and fix them i just had to update now. ily xx🖤🖤
