I flipped the phone open after incessant ringing persisted, audible throughout the house.
"Hello?"
"Hi..It's Kevin... uh.. can you come here, please?"
"Yeah.. I'll be right over. Is everything okay?"
"Just- Please come here." He sniffled
"Okay. I'll be there in a few minutes."
"Thank you." He hung up abruptly
"Hey, Grandad?" I called out
"Yes?"
"Is it alright if I go out to a.. friend's house? They're really upset." I'm not entirely sure why I said friend. I don't want it to seem like Kevin is the only person I speak to, despite that it's the truth.
"Yeah, go ahead."
"Alright. Thank you so so much." I threw on a jacket,
"Sure thing. I hope everything's okay."
"So do I. I'll be back home as soon as I can."
"Okay, goodbye."
"Bye." I replied as I shut the door behind me.
I jogged to his house, my jacket nearly soaked by the time I got there. I knocked on the door. It was opened by Kevin.
"Hey, what's wrong?" I stepped inside.
He didn't respond, only motioning me to follow him, up the stairs, to his bedroom. I obliged, following him to his room.
"..Where's your dad?" I asked after he closed his door.
"He's gone. Finally."
"Good. What made him leave?"
"I did." He sat down on the bed, curling his legs to his chest.
I sat next to him.
"What'do you mean?"
"..I was able to avoid him for a little while, but my parents started fighting. Again."
"And?"
"I-I told you I didn't trust him..." He looked to be on the verge of tears.
"Kevin, What happened?"
"Things got heated.. Quickly.. He pushed my mother. Hard."
"Oh my god.."
"That was it. H-He had to leave.."
"How'd you get him to go..?"
"I'm not proud of it..."
"Sweetheart, what'd you do?" I set my hand on his leg to soothe him.
"When I saw what happened, I-I ran in, and.. you know those news stories that you see where a mother lifts a car to save a kid, because... her need to protect them just.. overpowers their natural capabilities?"
"Yeah.."
"Well, that's a good way to explain what happened."
"What'd you do?"
"When I saw it happen, I ran into the room, and I just.. I grabbed him by his shirt and I slammed him into the wall. Not super hard.. but, it was harder than I thought I could. I-I didn't even mean to do it. It just happened. It was like I wasn't even in control.. he hit his head on the wall. Again, not super hard, but.. fairly hard. I-I yelled at him that he needed to 'get the hell out of this house before I kill him' and.. pushed him to the door. I feel so bad that I did that, I'm not an angry person, I just.. I couldn't let him hurt my mother." He had a look of great shame in his eyes.
"Hey hey, it's okay.." I let my other hand move to his own.
"No it's not. I-I hurt someone today. I promised myself I would never do that.. no matter how much I hate my father.. It doesn't give me the right to hurt him."
"Look, I-I know this is difficult to process, I understand that. But, you were only protecting your mother. You wouldn't have done that if he hadn't put his hands on her. You did what you had to do. You made the best choice you could've made at a time like that. You were.. scared. And angry. And.. you needed to do something about it. And you didn't make a wrong decision. You did what you felt was best. And that's all you can do sometimes."
"Even if it was the best decision I thought I could've made at the time.. is it the best one I could've made overall? Because I-I don't think I did..."
"I don't know, Kevin. I mean, he left. That's what you wanted."
"That's not what I asked."
"I don't think it's an answer I can give. It's not my place to decide."
"In the time I've known you, you have been wrong about very few things. Please tell me what you think."
"Alright. I don't think it was the best decision, but it wasn't the wrong decision."
"What's the wrong decision?"
"To stand by and let him do that. Which you didn't. You didn't make the wrong decision. It was best for everyone that he left. So, if that's what it takes, that's what it takes."
"..synopsis?"
"Even though you didn't make the safest decision, you made the right one."
"I did?"
I nodded in return.
"Thank you. I feel better.."
"Good. Is your mom okay?"
"Yeah. She's fine. She didn't get hurt, I got him out before he had a chance."
"Good. That's good... are you okay?"
He nodded, but was clearly holding back tears.
"Kevin.."
He nodded again, trying to convince me that he wasn't upset.
"Come here.." I said quietly.
He obliged, moving to my side, letting me wrap my arms tightly around him. He began sniffling, still attempting to hold back his tears. Finally, he gave up, starting to cry into my shoulder.
"It's okay. You're okay." I whispered
"I hate him so much, Connor.."
"I know you do, Sweetheart.. I know. But, he's gone, okay?" I pulled away, setting both my hands gently on his cheeks, wiping a few tears from his face with my thumbs.
He nodded once more, trying to push away the fact that he was upset.
"It's okay to be upset, Kev.."
"I'm not upset... Just.. angry. And hurt.. And confused."
"That's called being upset, man."
"No.. it's different. It's different."
"How so?"
"It just is. I don't know how. It just.. is."
"Okay.."
He sighed and reached into his pocket, pulling out a lighter, handing it to me. It had a metal shell, giving an unexpected shock of cold as he passed it over. I shot him a questioning look.
"Take this." He huffed.
"Why?"
"Because I-I'm... upset, and I don't want to do something stupid. If I don't have it, I can't do anything I'll regret."
"Okay." I put it in my pocket, watching his disconcerted eyes follow until it was hidden away in the jacket.
"Thank you.."
"Thank you. You're not risking making a mistake. You're taking control of an issue before you lose control. I'm proud of you." I kissed the side of his head gently, then running my hand through his hair.
"Look, I know this is a lot to ask, but.. Uh, can I stay at your house tonight..? I don't know if I want to be alone up here."
"Of course you can. It's not a lot to ask at all. I-I'm glad you did. I want you to be safe."
"Thank you... I just... Haven't been this sad in a long time, and I.. I don't want to do something stupid."
"Okay. I'm really proud of you, Kev. This takes a lot of self control. A lot. You're doing really well. You're being really responsible about this."
He still had his eyes fixed on my pocket, clearly thinking about few things but that lighter.
"Come on, let's get you out of here." I muttered
"Let's"
I stood and waited for him to do the same, allowing him to take his time. I rubbed his shoulder slightly until we reached the staircase, letting him go in front.
He reached for the doorknob, but I stopped him.
"Wait, you should say bye to your mother."
"Right." He nodded and took a few steps toward the living room.
"Mom? I-I need to go to Connor's house.. cool off.. good night."
"Okay. Good night.."
"... I love you, Mom."
"Love you too, Kevin." She replied, letting him exit the house, myself following close behind.
The raining died down for the most part, now only a drizzle.
I let my hand move to his back, rubbing in circles, hoping to comfort him.
When we arrived at my house, my grandfather looked confused, yet, content to see Kevin.
"Hello. I'm back. I'm sorry for the short notice, he's having a difficult time and uh, he's more comfortable with me, so I told him he could come here.. I hope that's not an issue."
"No. Not at all. He's a nice kid, I like having him." My grandfather nodded.
"thank you." I smiled at him.
"T-Thank you for letting me here, sir, that's..incredibly generous. I-I can't thank you enough." Kevin said, forcing a small smile onto his face so he didn't appear so distressed.
I led Kevin to my bedroom, shutting the door behind us.
"Do you want to talk more about what happened?" I asked, sitting down on the bed next to what I at this point saw as his side.
"No... I don't know. I just don't want to think about it anymore right now." He sat down next to me.
"Alright." I set my hand atop his.
"...He just pushed her. Like he was entitled to that. Like he was entitled to treating her that way.."
He said, gloomily, contradicting what he had just said.
"I-" I began to speak, but he cut me off, speaking in a rushed and anxious tone.
"Can I please have my lighter?" He picked at the bed of his nails, nervously.
"No.. not until tomorrow. Like we agreed."
"I-I won't do anything with it, i just want to hold it.."
"It'll only make you want it more."
He groaned in return, regretting giving lighter to me.
"Come on, where's the brave, strong Kevin I had before? I need him back.." my fingertips traced the top of his hand softly, back and forth over the more prominent parts.
"Right... Right. I'm sorry." He nodded.
"Don't be sorry. It's not your fault. You're trying. Okay?"
"Okay..." he still looked incredibly unnerved, his thoughts chipping away at him.
"What's wrong?" I asked him, in the hopes of trying to get him to open up a little more about how he felt, not just the situation itself.
"I don't know.."
"Yes you do.."
"I just.. I need it, but f-for my own sake, I can't have it. And I know, that I'll get it back in the morning but I-I'm so conflicted because I need it back, but I don't know if I should even have it back tomorrow, because I'm counting down the minutes until I get it back. And that's not good, that's not good at all, so I'm not sure if I should even be able to get it back tomorrow, but at the same time, I need it back, a-and I don't know what to do or what to say and i just- I-I need it but I can't be allowed to have it!" You could see the battle of needs fighting it out within his eyes, making him grow more and more panicked, as he tried to settle his thoughts.
"Hey hey hey, calm down, it's okay. Just calm down.. Look... come here, lay down." I pulled him slowly down to his back, his head on my knee.
He looked as if his head was about to explode from the sheer stress of internal conflict, his body unable to still.
"let's just think about something else, alright?"
"Alright.."
"If you get your mind off it, maybe the urges will subside."
He nodded.
"Okay, good." I ran my hand up and down his stomach.
"What do I-I think about?"
"Uhhh, let's see.. what did you last time you felt like this?"
"I did it."
"Oh, okay.. has there been a time before today where you've felt like this, but didn't act on it?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, good! Do you remember how you felt when the urge came and passed and you were stronger than it was?"
"Yeah.."
"Okay. Just think about how good that felt."
He nodded.
"Okay. Yeah.. I felt like I had control.."
"As you should."
"But I also feel like I have control when I-"
I cut him off
"I see.. I've been with you after you do things like that, and you're never very happy. Within minutes, that feeling of control goes away, and you feel worse than before. It's like a drug, I know. But, the feeling you get when you get through it without hurting yourself, doesn't go away very quickly. You stay happy and proud and confident for a long long time. Days. Weeks. Hell, even months. That slight sense of temporary relief is nothing in comparison."
"It's just.. difficult not to."
"I know it is. But, I'm right here to help you through it, alright? I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, even if it's something you'd do to yourself."
"Alrighty.." he sighed.
What felt like hours. I began to wonder what he was thinking. I don't want him pondering on the flame of that lighter. It'll only make him feel worse. Even still, there's not many other things that could be in that mind of his at a time like this. His eyes blinked rapidly, as he attempted to distract himself. Or at least I hope he was attempting to distract himself. If he isn't, it'll be my own damn fault for not giving him things to think about for change.
"Kevin."
He looked up at me.
"Tell me how you feel right now. "
"Bad.. Why can't I just make the feeling go away?"
"Because that's not how it works, Love.. I wish it were. But, I'm going to keep you here and help you through it, until it finally does go away."
"I love you.."
You could tell he meant it more than ever, his gaze piercing.
"I love you too. You're.. my strong boy. And I believe in you..."
"You know I hate when you call me that.." He chuckled softly, no longer crying, the only tears present being the ones left, dried on his face from earlier.
"I know you do."
"Why do you do it, then?" He giggled, sniffling.
"Because look how it made you laugh."
"...I wish you weren't right." He rubbed the dried tears from his cheeks.
"I'm glad I am. You're feeling better?"
"A little."
"Good. I'm glad. I want my boy happy. And safe.."
"You care that much?"
"Of course I care that much. You're my guy."
"..Thank you." He sighed
"Why would you for even a second doubt that?"
"I d-don't know.. sometimes it's difficult to realize that people actually care about what I do to myself..."
"Well, I can assure you, everyone in your life cares a great deal. I care about you tons, your mother cares loads. Hell, even my grandfather wants to see you doing well."
He nodded.
"Now come on, you were so happy just a few moments ago. Chin up, Handsome. You've got a lot of people who's hearts would break if something happened to you." I ran my hand up to his shoulder, rubbing it consolingly.
"..You're nice."
"Come here." I smiled a bit, still massaging his shoulder.
He fell closer, allowing me to wrap my arms loosely around his neck, dangling off the back of his shoulders.
"I'm really glad you told me how you're feeling."
"I'm glad I did too."
"If I didn't come get you, do you think you would've-"
"Yes.."
"If you feel that way again, don't ever hesitate to call me. Heck, you can walk over here unannounced, I won't be upset. Just.. tell me."
"Okay. I will."
"Good. I swear, I won't be able to live with myself if I let somethin' happen to you.." I wrapped him in a hug, squeezing his arms in mine. Not tightly, focusing the majority of my attention on staying in the hug as long as I could.
"Nothing's going to happen to me, Connor."
"It's a gateway sort of thing, Kevin. You know better than anyone. The smallest amount of stuff like this can lead to things much worse without skipping a beat."
"Well.. like you said, I can get through these thoughts without acting on them. I won't let it even get to the gateway."
"thank goodness. Are you still wanting to right now?"
"Yeah. It's not bad though. Now it's more in the back of my mind than it was. It's..Its not chipping away at me anymore."
"Good. That's good. Now that you're calm, is there a way to make that feeling go away?"
"No. not that I know of... It's fine. It'll go away on its own in time." He replied, flatly.
"I know... it just kills me to see you wanting to hurt yourself."
"My thoughts shouldn't take a toll on you."
I pulled away, my arms falling to my sides.
"But you don't deserve to feel that way. And knowing you do is.. it's absolutely heart shattering. I wish there was a way to protect you from your own thoughts. I just wish I could... shield you from that. You deserve nothing but the utmost happiness. And I wish I could give it to you. I wish there was a way to make sure you never felt like you deserved to get hurt."
"It's just the way my brain is. There's not much we can do to stop that."
"That doesn't make it any less terrible."
"Yeah.. whatever. I'm not going to get any happier if I dwell on it..."
"That's true. I'm sorry you've had such a difficult night."
"Hey, like a wise man once said; if we didn't have sadness we couldn't appreciate the happiness. It's just.. a part of life." He said
"..Well, whoever said that was right.. and very smart. And they were probably hot too." I chuckled breathily.
"Yeah, they were. Very much so." He smiled weakly.
"That's good to know. Someone should treasure them."
"I'm afraid it's too late, someone already does."
"Oh, that's good. I bet they have a wonderful relationship."
He rolled his eyes, tired with my indirect speaking.
"You're so lame." He giggled, taking my hand in his own, tracing my knuckles with his fingertips.
He had remarkably soft hands. The hands of most I've met were far more rough, but not his. To be fair, I haven't met a large amount of people, much less felt their hands. But, he has incredibly soft hands nonetheless.
The side of his thumb and forefinger, by his nail, was a bit more coarse, from being picked at, and used to strike his lighter. Even small patches of a dead skin, torn and raised from the rest of his hand, sat stagnant there.
His fingertips grazed my hand gently, memorizing every curve and bend, familiarizing himself with every inch he could have forgotten.
"I don't hold your hand enough." He mumbled.
"We hold hands plenty, Kev.."
"Not often enough."
"We're holding hands now, are we not?"
"But I forgot how much I love it. I need to hold your hand more often, it's fucking delightful." He chuckled.
"Well, im not going to deny that."
He kept still for a few moments, an intent state fixated on me, before he crumbled, throwing himself at me, his arms clinging to my sides.
"Woah, you okay there, buddy..?" I staggered back a bit, hooking my arm around his waist to secure him.
"Yeah." He nodded.
"Okay.."
"..You know, there's no better feeling in the world than holding you..."
"Well, I like being held by you. You're.. strong, but gentle. You're very careful. Its sweet... are you sure you're alright?"
"I'm sure.. I'm better now."
"Okay. A little clingy tonight, are ya?"
"Yes."
"Why is that? I mean.. I like it. But, why do you think that is?"
"Because I love you... Anddd you managed to make me happy at a time like this.. very few people would be able to do that."
"Well, I'm glad I could cheer you up."
"Me too. I'm a very lucky boy. And.. I've got a very pretty boy here in front of me."
I chuckled.
"Coincidentally, it's a boy that I really want to kiss right now."
"Would that boy be me?"
"Yes, it's you, Dummy"
I giggled in response, pulling him upright so he was no longer dangling from my shoulders. He finally smiled a genuine smile, his bright teeth nearly sparkling; as he pulled me in for a long, drawn-out kiss.
As he pulled away, he let out a heavy, yet content sigh
"It feels like it's been ages."
"Sweetheart, its only been a day."
"It feels like it's been forever since I kissed you."
"How so?"
"Like.. we've been so focused on the entire situation with my father, we haven't found time to do things like this."
"Yeah.."
"Well, He's gone.. I may have had to push him for him to leave...but he did... And now we can go back to the way things were... Right?"
"That's right. I'm so glad you're feeling better. It kills me to see you that upset."
"I'm sorry I made you sad."
"No no no! You didn't make me sad! I was just worried about you. Don't feel sorry, I'm really glad you told me. Since you told me, nothing can happen. If you hadn't told me, yeah, I wouldn't have been worried, but you also wouldn't have been safe. I'd rather have some worry coming along with your safety than not knowing. Anything could've happened if I didn't know."
"That's true."
"Don't ever hesitate to tell me something because I'll be worried. Okay? I'd rather be worried about what's happening than oblivious."
"Okay. Can I have another kiss?"
"Yeah, that's a good idea." I chuckled breathily, pulling him in closer.
His smile widened, as he grabbed a hold of my belt, yanking me toward himself, tired of waiting for me. I grunted in surprise, a quiet giggle escaping my lips.
"You're so impatient, gosh!"
"Because I want you!" He whined slightly, exaggerating the last word of the sentence, laughter breaking his tear-strained voice.
I rolled my eyes a bit, tangling my fingers in his hair as I kissed him slowly.
His supple fingertips grazed my neck, up and down, pressing against my skin, softly, yet calculated, like keys on a piano.
I'm not sure why I'm so nervous. We do this all the time, yet it feels as if I haven't been touched in years. It felt better than I had remembered, despite the fact that it was nothing new.
By now, Kevin's father was the last thing on either of our minds, the only thing left now, being us. He ran his hand down to my thigh, sending shivers throughout my body. He laughed as I trembled, squeezing my leg in order to bring my focus back to him. I kept a grip on his hips, only letting them fall away to grasp my bedsheet on occasion as he pushed me further into the bedframe. My back hit the wood. barely, but it was enough for Kevin to stop, backing up.
"Are you okay?" He panted
"Yeah."
"What happened?" He pushed his hair out of his face.
"My back hit the frame. It's okay. It doesn't hurt."
"Good."
I nodded and began kissing him again. He was taken aback by my eager nature, but immediately gave in, his posture sinking, only for him to arch his back, leaning me back down to my mattress.
I was rather forward this time, deepening the kiss as much as I could.
I heard him groan quietly, biting his lip to muffle it. It didn't work as well as he'd hoped, my grandfather's voice echoing throughout the house.
"Are you boys okay in there?" He asked, footsteps nearing my door.
"Yeah..!" I pushed Kevin off of me, attempting to fix my attire.
I straightened out my shirt, tightening my now loosened tie as quickly as I could in the short span of time I was allowed before my grandfather arrived. My door opened before either one of us could get our hair back to normal.
"What was that?"
"Oh, I-I.. hit my wrist on the corner of the night table, It surprised me is all..." I responded, saying the first thing I could think of.
"Oh, okay.. I thought you were hurt." He nodded, a bit suspicious by my and Kevin's messy appearance, but didn't comment on it.
He walked out, closing the door behind him.
"Shit.." I chuckled when we were finally alone again.
"This is your own fault, McKinley, you did this."
"Couldn't you have been quiet?"
"You think I didn't try?" He ran his fingers through my hair, fixing it for me. Though exhausted and drained from his day, he was clearly beginning to feel more like himself
"Well, there's no way in hell he believed my nightstand excuse!"
"No, he definitely caught us, your relationship with him is forever ruined." He joked.
"Oh, I thought so. Is my hair any better?"
"Very much so. Mine?"
"It looks like shit. But in a very hot way."
"How does shitty hair look hot?"
"It's all messy and hot. I mean, you're always hot, but y-you look especially so with the hair."
He giggled, pushing his hair to the left, tightening it up a bit
I smiled and pulled him back to my side.
"I'm so glad you're feeling better, Kevin."
"Me too."
"What time is it?"
"Late."
"You should get to sleep. You didn't get much of any today."
"But kissing you is so fun.."
"Pumpkin, you gotta get to sleep. You'll feel great in the morning."
"Fine... Under one condition."
"Which is..?"
"I want you to hold me."
"That's all? Gladly. Now come on, lay down."
He smiled and laid himself down, pulling his face to the pillow. I stretched my arm around his waist, rubbing his side up and down, the broadcloth fabric shifting beneath my hand, creating slight friction on his skin.
"Thank you for being so supportive of me tonight, Sunshine. If it weren't for you, today would've gone downhill really quickly. You're a wonderful boyfriend."
"Of course, Kev. I'm always here.. Now come on, get some sleep. You've had a terribly long day."
"Alright.. Goodnight"
"Goodnight, beautiful."