"Lu-oh my god" I gasped "is everything alright?"
It was almost curfew when I decided to visit Lupin's office. I knew he was ill, but I needed my essay.
I knocked on his door and at first it was quiet. But the silence didn't last long. I heard floorboards creaking and then the door opened slowly.
Clearly we were both startled to see each other.
"Venus" he questioned
"What happened?" I whispered, looking rapidly between his eyes and then his face and neck- new fresh scars were visible.
"Nothing" he whispered back and shook his head "why are you here? It's late" he stepped aside and let me in.
I closed the door behind myself and looked at his back as he walked over to his sofa.
"Did I woke you up?"
"No"
"Good. Uhm turns out that dad wants my essay, can I have it?"
"It's somewhere on the table" he didn't even talk loudly, his voice was barely heard. I felt sorry for him.
I walked over to the table and searched for it.
"Why does he wants it?"
"I don't know" his table was messy, it was never messy. It took me quite a few minutes to find it- it was complete silence between us.
"Let me take a look" he said and reached his hand out. I walked over to him and handed him my essay. He moved his legs slightly so I could sit down.
I watched in silence as he read it.
"You are brave for writing that" he said "not many people see werewolves in so good light as you"
"I hate the prejudices against them, it's unfair, they aren't all beasts"
"Some of them are?"
"Greyback is, isn't he?"
"I suppose so. I would give you O for that, but it's up to Severus"
"Yeah" I took the paper from his hands and stuffed it into my bag. I didn't stood up. I took a sigh and turned to look at him, he was already looking at me.
"I know you don't want me here, but- can I do something for you?"
"No" he whispered and looked away "I am okay-"
"Don't lie, please" I reached for his hand, he let me take it. I brushed my thumb over his old scars.
"I am glad you want to be here for me, but I have everything I need"
"Okay" I whispered "do they hurt?" I motioned on his neck.
"Little bit. Poppy healed them already"
"Good" I nodded to myself and looked back to our hands. His hand was larger, it wasn't rough- it was soft, but the scars were rough. "Remus?" I whispered
"You remember"
"I do, sadly" I chuckled sadly "are we going to pretend that this night didn't happened?"
"What do you think is the best?"
"I don't know. All of this seems so complicated, it shouldn't be. You told me you want me- you said it out loud, but the next moment you are saying how we can't be togeth-"
"Because of our positions. I am your profe-"
"I told you, I don't care"
"You should" he sighed "I am much older than you. I have nothing to give to you, I am old and poor- you are young, beautiful- you deserve someone bett-"
"I don't want anyone else"
"You are too young to know who you reall-"
"Shut up" I snapped "you don't know anything"
He sighed again.
"Sorry" I sighed too "I should get go-"
"Stay, for a little bit?"
He looked so tired and sad. I nodded. We didn't talk about the night. We decided to let it go, both of us knowing there won't be anything between us.
"Can you bring me water?" He asked
"Of course" I brought him a glass of water and then sat down where I had previously sat.
"Thank you" he said and took a sip. "How was your day?"
"It was- okay. Nothing really happened"
"What did you do in my lesson?"
"Talked about some spells, nothing much"
He nodded.
"Try to sleep" I whispered and took his hand in mine's again "go to bed, your eyes are barely open"
He shook his head.
"I've been sleeping all day"
"Have you eaten?"
"Yes, don't worry about me" he chuckled slightly.
"Can't help it" I whispered and smiled a little. Even though he looked so pale, he was still so handsome.
"Come closer" he whispered. I sat closer, our hips were brushing together.
I made a bold move, I was scared what he would do, but he relaxed when I ran my fingers through his hair.
He closed his eyes and let out a sigh.
"It feels good" he whispered and I chuckled
"I know"
We sat there in silence. He was slowly falling asleep whilst I stroked his hair.
"Good night Lupin"
"You can still call me Remus"
The week passed slowly. I tried to study as much as possible, but with every night I felt more broken than before.
I gave the essay to dad, he hated it. I failed almost all my tests this week. Lu- Remus was still sick, what meant that I didn't have any tutoring sessions.
I felt like I was falling apart again.
I spent most of the time outside, smoking, sometimes the black dog was there. He knew not to come close to me. He laid few meters away from me, eating his meat or whatever I had brought him.
I told him how shit everything was. He didn't listen.
But the weather was getting colder and colder. I hated cold.
So here I was, sitting on my window sill- smoke between my lips, record playing, crying.
I promised myself not to do anything bad, I didn't want to go back to the hospital.
My life seemed like it was on a repeat. Wake up. Go to breakfast. Go to lessons. Go to lunch. Go outside to have a smoke. Go back to lessons. Go to dinner. Cry. Drink alcohol. Smoke. Go to bed.
And every day was the same.
I was tired of it.