I'd spent all day practicing what I was going to say. So by the time Shinso and I sat down to talk after school, I was ready.
We sat across from each other on his bed. I decided that I would just lay it all out there. I was going to be open and transparent, even if it was painful.
"I feel hurt," I told him. "Like, really hurt. Things were going so well and then you went off on me over assumptions you made about me and things that happened when we weren't even together."
"I just want us to be honest with each other."
"You want honesty? Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes, of course."
"You want total honesty?"
"Always."
Shinso deserved to know what I was thinking and feeling. I owed him that.
I took a deep breath.
Here we go.
"Then I am going to be very, very honest with you," I said. "You're right, what you heard from Toga or Twice is true; I did hook up with the leader of the League of Villains. His name is Tomura Shigaraki. In fact, he gave me my phone. Seriously didn't you wonder who was paying for it? It's not like I have a job anymore."
"What? He pays for your phone? Okay wait. Hold on..."
I was not going to hold on.
"Don't interrupt. I want to remind you that we were not together at the time, and I was literally a hostage with them. And when you saw me with Bakugo in the hallway, that was because I had been crying because of everything you said. I had just finished telling him how much I liked you, actually."
"Really?" he asked, confused.
"I said don't interrupt! Or I'll never get all this out. Right now I am all mixed up because you told me that you loved me, but then why say all that stuff? I know you're only working for Overhaul because of me, but you can't keep using that as an excuse for us to be together. I hate the guilt you're making me feel about that. And one other thing."
"There's more??"
I took another deep breath.
Here was the big one.
"I think too much has happened over the past couple months and I need to sort through it all, including my feelings for you. I know that I don't want a relationship right now. I think we're only going to hurt each other more if we try to force that. I'm okay with being friends, or friends with benefits, or just casually dating, but I am not ready for a commitment."
I took final deep breath and let it out.
"Okay," I said. "That's everything."
It wasn't everything but it was enough.
Shinso stared at me blankly.
"Are you kidding me right now?"
"No," I said. "I told you I was going to tell you the truth."
"So..." he said, obviously trying to process what he'd just heard. Shinso's voice was quiet, maybe scared? "When you told me that you were mine... did you mean it?"
"When I said it, yes. I did. Shinso, when I was with the League, even before that, I thought about you all the time. I tried to not to, because it hurt too much." I could feel tears forming in the corner of my eyes but I tried to ignore it. "But now I see that all I do is hurt you. You're not happy with me. Don't you see it too? This isn't healthy for either of us."
We sat on the bed in silence for a moment.
"How..... Y/n, how did you know that Toga and Twice told me about you and that guy...Shigaraki? I assumed you knew the two of them, but how did you know that they're working with Overhaul now?"
Oh shit.
"Shigaraki told me they were going to be working with some new boss," I said, "so I just assumed that's who told you. It was a guess."
So it seemed my attempt at total honesty lasted all of about thirty seconds.
Oh well.
"All right," Shinso said, seeming to be satisfied with that answer. "Now it's my turn to talk."
"Okay," I said, preparing myself.
"I get what you're saying. This was too much too fast."
"Oh thank god you feel that way too," I said, relieved.
"But..."
"But?"
"I meant what I said. I love you. I will always love you. I don't care how much pain is involved in loving you. I also know that I hurt you, and I'm sorry."
"Shinso..."
"It's not logical or right, but it's the truth. But I will respect your wishes about not being boyfriend-girlfriend, on one condition. Don't shut me out. Before anything else, we were friends. I lost my friend before and I don't want that to happen again."
I couldn't help it. I leaned across the space between us and wrapped my arms around his neck in a hug. His arms were tight around me too, his head buried in my hair.
"Can I kiss you?" he asked, pulling back.
I nodded, his lips meeting mine, sweetly, softly, as if we were both unsure of how this was supposed to work.
"What about a blow job?"
I gave him a look before busting out laughing.
"Too far?" he asked, both of us laughing now. "Come here then."
He hugged me tightly. This was going to be okay.
--
Soon it was time to head to Tamaki's training session. Walking into the common room for dinner, I was surprised to see Shoto sitting at one of the tables.
"Hey, stranger," I said, sitting next to him. "How are you? Are you officially back at school now?"
"Yes. Things are... weird," he sighed. "But they'll be okay. I've mostly been staying at home, which is pretty much awful."
"Then why do it?"
"I felt like the old man needed someone to be there."
"You are too kind," I said, shaking my head.
I remembered that time Endeavor randomly showed up at my apartment after his office was burned down. I'd wondered then if he had come to my place because he really didn't have anywhere else to go. I might have been right.
"He keeps apologizing," Shoto said. "It's gross."
"Apologizing?" I said, not quite believing him. "Seriously? Can he actually name what he is sorry for?"
"Who knows? Don't be surprised if he tries to make amends."
"I don't want to hear it. I knew what I was getting myself into when all of this started. I take responsibility for my actions. He needs to do the same."
"Anyway," Shoto said. "I thought about texting you back, but I didn't know if I should. Would you have wanted me to?"
"Obviously. Text me anytime," I said.
"But the other night Bakugo said you had a boyfriend?"
I sighed and closed my eyes, putting my forehead down on the table in front of me.
"I think now I'm supposed to ask you if you're okay," Shoto said.
"I am," I muttered, still face down on the table. "No, I'm not. I will be. Shinso and I are not together. Things are weird, like you said, but they'll be okay. Are you patting me on the head?"
Shoto jerked his hand back from my hair. "Oh, sorry, it seemed like an appropriate thing to do. You always mess with my hair so I thought..."
"It was fine, Shoto," I sat up, smiling at him. "It will all be fine." I looked at my phone and realized what time it was. "But I need to go. Talk later?"
"Sure."
I stood up from the table to go, but Shoto hooked his fingers around mine, stopping me.
"Y/n, I still owe you."
I smiled and squeezed his fingers, with my other hand I reached around and messed with his hair. "Oh, I haven't forgotten."
--
"Our first exercise is very simple," Tamaki told Bakugo once they both stood in the middle of the gym. "There is only one objective: try to not get captured."
"Huh. That's all? I thought this was going to be challenging," Bakugo scoffed, getting into battle stance.
"It might be," Tamaki said calmly. "For you."
"We'll see about that," Bakugo said, running toward Tamaki. "Now die!"
He leaped into the air, firing off a blast.
But a crab claw came out in front of Tamaki, blocking the hit, shattering in the process but completely protecting Tamaki from the explosion.
Bakugo growled.
From Tamaki's fingers, tentacles grew, shooting out toward Bakugo, each one absorbing the blasts from Bakugo's gauntlets.
Bakugo sent off explosion after explosion, jumping here and there, but no matter how many times Tamaki was hit, he kept regrowing the limbs.
Tamaki could send them out so fast and strong, and as they got in close, there were simply too many of them for Bakugo to attack them all.
Suddenly a tentacle wrapped around each of Bakugo's arms, slamming him to the ground and each one holding his arms out wide.
Bakugo could keep firing off blasts, but since his arms were out at his sides, the fire wouldn't go in Tamaki's direction.
The fight was over.
Tamaki hadn't moved from where he was standing.
--
Holy shit.
They hadn't seen me come in, so I stood in the doorway of the gym and watched. I couldn't believe what I had just seen.
The new person he was training – it was Katsuki.
Even up against explosion boy, their entire fight had lasted only a few minutes. Had it even been minutes?
And now Katsuki was on his back on the floor, his arms pinned out at his sides by thick octopus tentacles.
Meanwhile Tamaki looked cool and confident as he stood barefoot on the gym floor, his white cape long behind him, the hood pulled up over his head.
I didn't even know what to say. All I could do was stare.
That was amazing.
He was amazing.